


Jamie's Story

by PensToTheEnd



Series: All Of Me Loves All Of You [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bigotry & Prejudice, Bisexuality, Dubious Consent, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Racism, Sexual Assault, Suicide, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:56:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 58,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7069807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PensToTheEnd/pseuds/PensToTheEnd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prequel to "All Of Me Loves All Of You" follows the life of Jamie Marsh (OMC) prior to his trade to the Pittsburgh Penguins, where he falls in love with star center Sidney Crosby.  Jamie and his family move to Edmonton when he is 3 years old.  Within a couple of years he is playing hockey, where he meets his best friend, Kyle St. Croix (OMC).  </p><p>Can read as stand alone, but fits better if you also read All Of You...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When We Were Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief glimpses of Jamie's life.

2002

The hockey equipment he was wearing was almost too big for the five-year-old, but Jamie Russell shuffled his feet as best he could across the ice to where the other youngsters were gathered around their coach.

Jamie tried to stop, but ended up running in to one of the other boys.

“Sorry.” Jamie looked down. “I don’t skate so good.”

The little boy looked at him. Through his face guard, Jamie could make out the other little boy’s clear blue eyes and a warm smile looking back at him.

“It’s okay. You’ll get better. Coach Bill is a great coach.” The boy stuck out his glove for a fist bump. “I’m Kyle.”

“Jamie.” He bumped his fist. “Thanks.”

Over the next few weeks, Jamie and Kyle became friends on the ice. Kyle was a year older than Jamie, and although they were only 5 and 6, Kyle took it upon himself to look out for Jamie on the ice. 

Jamie tried to ask his dad to ask Kyle’s father if he could come home and play, but his dad always said no. His dad told Jamie that his mother was ill and that Jamie couldn’t have friends in the house bothering her. Jamie didn’t understand.

2003

Jamie stood tucked against his father’s leg. His father was crying. All they told Jamie was that his mother had gone away. Jamie wanted her to come back. He wanted to have her rock him to sleep and sing to him. He wanted to climb up in bed and lie next to her, like he’d done so many times the last few months when she’d spent so much time in bed.

Jamie’s thought his dad must have wanted his mom to come back, too. His dad cried often. He stopped taking Jamie to hockey. Coach Bill would pick him up, though, and take him to hockey. Bill would get him dinner, too, usually bringing him something his wife had made for Jamie. Then he would drop him off at home again.

Jamie would carefully take out his key and unlock the door while Bill stood beside him. Then Bill would give him a pat on the head and tell him goodnight as Jamie would walk into the dark house. Jamie knew where his dad would be, asleep on the couch or in the recliner. 

Jamie kicked the empty beer bottles and liquor bottles littering the floor. He really wasn’t sure what the stuff in the bottles was that his dad drank, but it made him sleep and that was a good thing for Jamie. He’d quietly pick them all up and throw them away. If Bill sent home an extra dinner for his dad, Jamie would carefully put it in the refrigerator. Then he’d take a bath and go to bed. Without fail, his dad would wake him up and send him off to his kindergarten class the next morning.

Kyle was always waiting for Jamie outside the school. He often had something for Jamie to eat for breakfast, a donut or muffin usually. They were lucky that the kindergarten and first grade classes ate lunch together. Kyle always made sure he shared his lunch with Jamie, because Jamie’s dad never sent lunch with him or gave him money for lunch.

It had been two months since his mother had left him. Bill brought him home from hockey practice as usual. Jamie went through his nighttime routine, cleaning up the bottles, taking a bath, and going to bed. The next morning his dad didn’t come wake him up, however. Jamie woke up about an hour later than normal, crawling out of bed and going out to the living room. His dad was on the couch.

Jamie went over to try to wake him. When he got close he could see his dad’s head looked strange and then… the blood. There was blood everywhere. Jamie tried to wake his dad, pushing on him. Crying as his efforts became more desperate. Yelling for his dad to wake up. Jamie curled into a ball on the floor and cried himself into exhaustion and sleep.

He woke up to hear pounding on the door. Bill was there to get him for hockey. Jamie ran to the door and opened it, grabbing Bill’s hand and pulling him to his dad.

“He won’t wake up. Please Coach Bill. Please wake Daddy up.”

Bill pulled Jamie up into his arms, carrying him out of the room. He called the police as he sat and rocked Jamie in his arms, the six-year-old sobbing against his chest.

When the RCMP showed up, Bill explained to them that Jamie had no family. He offered to take him home for a few days, until they could determine what would happen to the now orphaned boy. 

A few days later, Jamie stood tucked behind Bill’s leg as they laid his father to rest. They told him his dad had gone to be with his mother. Jamie wanted them both to come back.

2004

“So Kyle can really come home and spend the night?” He’d asked excitedly as they stood outside practice.

“Yes, Jamie.” Mr. St. Croix had said, patting Jamie on the head. “You guys can have a sleep over at Coach Bill’s and watch the Oilers on TV. How’s that sound, Kyle.”

“Thanks, Dad! This is going to be so much fun, Jamie!” Kyle threw his arms around his best friend.

They fell asleep watching the game and Bill had to carry them in to bed. He laid the boys down side by side, kissing Jamie’s forehead as he pulled the covers up. At some point Jamie woke up. Someone was kicking him.

“Kyle. Kyle stop it.” He shoved his friend. “Kyle you’re kicking me. Stop it.”

Kyle didn’t really wake up, but eventually rolled over and quit kicking Jamie.

It happens every time they sleep together. Pretty soon Jamie starts calling Kyle "The Kicker" which soon becomes just Kicks. At practice, one of their teammates called Kyle by that nickname instead of his regular one, Crow. Kyle had punched him. "Only Jamie calls me that."

2005

“So you are now our son, officially, Jamie,” Jean Marsh wrapped her arms around the eight-year-old. 

“Does that mean I can call you and Coach Bill Mom and Dad?” Jamie wasn’t sure.

“If you want to honey, yes.” Bill ruffled Jamie’s hair. 

“And, can my name be Jamie Marsh now?” He asked hesitantly.

“Again if you want, yes, Jamie. We’d like both those things very much.” Jean told him.

“Yes! I want that. Kicks you hear that, I have a new Mom and Dad. And you got to call me Jamie Marsh now.”

“Marsh. Marsh. You need a new nickname for hockey then Russ. So, I will call you Marshie. If I call you that, then all the other guys will start calling you that. Is that okay?” Kyle put his arm around Jamie. “Kicks and Marshie, best lineys forever!”

“Best friends forever, Kicks!”


	2. Five Goals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But for right now, they were together. There were fewer days when the three of them were together now. Cat was on a team that traveled more and between her games and the boys’ games, days like today were few and far between. They were on the pond playing a game they made up called 5 goals. Jamie versus Kyle with Cat in goal. If Cat made 10 saves on each of them before one of them scored five goals, she would win. The boy who scored five goals first, before then, won.

Luc St. Croix was a coach with the Edmonton Oil Kings, so naturally, his children played hockey.  They grew up learning to skate on the pond on their property.  If they weren’t on the pond, they were in the barn which had once housed horses but now was a place to store hockey gear, a gym for workouts, and a place to practice shooting pucks.

Caitlyn was the oldest, two years older than her brother Kyle.  She was already a pretty good goalie at age 14.  Her dad would help her put on her gear so she could go out and play on the pond with Kyle and their friends.  He’d kiss the top of her head before helping her put her helmet on, “You’re too pretty to play hockey,” he’d say.  She’d groan and waddle out the door and down the path to the pond.

Caitlyn had long blond hair that she wore down unless she was playing, then it was pulled into a tight pony tail.  Her skin was fair and clear, soft and warm.  When she was happy, usually blocking a shot, her blue eyes sparkled and a warm flush made her cheeks rosy.  At 14 she was taller than most girls her age, she was taller than most of her brother’s friends who would come over to play hockey on the pond.  Jamie Marsh thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.  And she played hockey.  Of course, at 11 years old, he wasn’t sure why he felt all warm and happy whenever Cat was around.

If you didn’t know that they were two years apart in age, you would swear that Kyle and Cat were twins.  When they were little, people often mistook them for twins in fact. Kyle’s hair was the same blond, falling in curls around his ears and into his eyes most of the time.  He had ‘hockey flow’ he told Jamie.  His eyes, like hers, were crystal clear blue.  His complexion fair and clear, too, and Jamie loved how Kyle’s cheeks would be all red from exertion when they played hockey.  It was the same red they turned when he and Kyle would wrestle in the barn or when they’d sleep over at each other’s houses.  Kyle made Jamie feel all warm and happy whenever they were together, too.  But Cat was more beautiful, he was sure.

Kyle was a forward, like Jamie, playing right-wing, while Jamie played left-wing. They had been line mates, or lineys as Kyle would say, since they first met. 

At 12 years old, Kyle was not quite as tall as Cat.  He and Jamie were nearly the same height, too, even though Jamie was a year younger.  Kyle had no doubt that Jamie would be taller than him one day.  Jamie was the most beautiful thing Kyle had ever seen.  Soft green eyes and short light brown hair.  Jamie made Kyle feel all warm and happy whenever they were together.  At 12, he was starting to understand his feelings for Jamie. 

Kyle heard the talk from the other boys, from older boys at school.  Talk about boys like Kyle.  Kyle knew he was a fag. They said the word like it was a bad thing, but Kyle didn’t understand that.  If he was a fag because he loved Jamie, then that had to be a good thing.

Jamie was the only 11-year-old on the team of 12 year olds playing hockey for a local club in Edmonton.  And even though he was a year younger, he was easily the best player on his team, leading points scorer and in goals scored.  In all likelihood, this would be the last year the two boys might play on the same team.  Bill had goals for Jamie which meant moving him up to a better system.  Kyle would probably stay on a club team.

But for right now, they were together.  There were fewer days when the three of them were together now.  Cat was on a team that traveled more and between her games and the boys’ games, days like today were few and far between.  They were on the pond playing a game they made up called 5 goals.  Jamie versus Kyle with Cat in goal.  If Cat made 10 saves on each of them before one of them scored five goals, she would win.  The boy who scored five goals first, before then, won.

“Come on, Marshie!  It’s four goals each.  Next goal wins and stupid Cat only needs three saves to win.”  Kyle yells from across the ice.

Jamie is listening, but distracted.  Then he sees his dad by the house.

“Jamie!  Jamie!  It’s getting late, we need to get home.”

“In a minute, Dad.  The game’s tied.  Sudden death time!”

He turns around, Kyle is waiting with the puck.  It’s his turn to bring it towards the net.  Cat is in her goalie gear in front of their homemade net, impatiently tapping her stick on the ice.

“Come on, Marshie.  Let’s go so I can win already.”

Jamie skates over and waits in the ‘zone’ for Kyle to bring the puck forward.

“Bring your best, Kicks.”

Kyle brings the puck forward, picking up a little speed.  He tries to skate wide to the right, intending to spin back and then skate around Jamie.  As he starts his move, Jamie deftly drops his stick to the ice and takes the puck away from Kyle.  He skates back across their ‘blue line’ and quickly reenters the zone.  Kyle tries to stop him but Jamie skirts past him.  In two quick strides he wrists a backhand that goes over Cat’s glove.  Jamie throws his hand up in celebration.

“That’s right!  Just like Lemieux!  Marsh wins it in sudden death!”

Kyle skates at him hard, catching him around the waist and pushing him off the ice into a snow bank.  

“You know, just because you got to meet him one time doesn’t make you anything like him, asshole.”  Kyle’s body covers Jamie, who squirms underneath him.

“Get off me, Kicks.  You’re just jealous!  And I won!”

“Cat let you win!  She always lets you win!”  Kyle grabs Jamie’s arms and pins then down.  “Say ‘Kyle you are the best hockey player I know.’  Come on, Marshie, say it.  Say ‘Cat let me win’”

“Never!”

About then Cat comes over and pushes Kyle off Jamie.  “Come on, dork, I let you win last time.  Let him up.  He’s got to go.”

Jamie jumps up and sprints across the pond.  Yelling back to them as he jogs up the path.  “Thanks, Cat.  Next time I’ll let you win, Kicks, cause you know,” he laughs, “you’re the best hockey player I know!”

Kyle lays in the snow breathing heavy.  Cat lays down next to him.  “I love him, Cat.  Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?”

“What do you mean, Ky?  What do you think is wrong with you?  I love Jamie, too.”

“No.”  He sits up. “I mean, I hear what guys say.  I hear what Dad says when he doesn’t like some player.  He calls him a fag.  I looked it up one time, a while ago.  It says it’s not a nice word for when a guy loves another guy.  So I’m a fag.  I love Jamie.”

“You’re not a fag, goof.  You love Jamie like I do, like a brother.  That’s okay.”  She hits his leg.

Kyle looks down at her and suddenly she understands.  She sits up and puts an arm around him.

“No, Kyle.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  Even if you love Jamie that way.  It’s not wrong and don’t listen to Dad when he says stuff like that.  Dad’s wrong.”  She pulls him in to a tight hug.  “Come on, now, we have to put the net and our gear away.”


	3. Nobody Calls You That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie sat down and handed Kyle his fruit punch Gatorade. “You okay, Kicks?”
> 
> Kyle’s head was down, his chin resting on his chest. “I’m sorry, Marshie.”
> 
> “For what? Because Hayden is an asshole? They’re all asshole’s. Just jealous of us being friends and how good we are on a line together.”
> 
> “No. Because it’s true. What he said. What he called me. That’s what I am. I’m a fag.”

Bill Marsh knew Jamie was an exceptional hockey player.  He had seen it from the beginning.  Jamie had learned to skate quickly.  He had listened intently every time Bill had taught him something new, then practiced that skill over and over again until it became second nature to him.  Bill taught him about taping his stick, about the benefits of using less curve in his blade. 

“It might not give you as much snap, but it’ll improve your backhand shots.”

“Just like Sidney Crosby.”  Jamie had added.

“Yep, just like Crosby.”  Bill smiled back.

Jamie had always been one of the youngest players on his teams, if not the youngest.  Bill watched with pride as Jamie outplayed the older kids, always a step or two faster, his shooting just a bit better.  He watched Jamie’s development over the years and knew that someday, Jamie would be in the NHL.

The change in him physically, and the increase in his skill level from age 11 to age 14, was incredible.  Jamie was no longer a gangly pre-teen, trying to deal with his awkward long legs and arms.  It seemed like overnight to Bill that Jamie was suddenly a 6’ 190 lbs. teenager who handled the puck with authority on the ice and simply blew past most defenders with his speed.  His skating had become fluid and smooth.

Bill new that Jamie should be playing on one of the major junior teams.  He probably should have sent him away to play, but Jamie wanted to play in Edmonton.  He didn’t want to live away from Bill and Jean, or Kicks, yet.  Not even for hockey.  Not yet.  Maybe someday, Jamie had said.  Someday he’d be ready.  But then he would point out to Bill the number of NHL players who didn’t play major juniors, who took other routes to the NHL.

Bill assumed that was because Jamie had lost his parents at such a young age.  Maybe that had led to Jamie having some separation anxiety issues, Bill thought.  He preferred to be at home with Bill and Jean for the most part.  The only other place he wanted to be, besides at the rink, was at the St. Croix’ with Kicks.  The two boys were practically inseparable off the ice.  It had been hard on Jamie, not getting to be on a team with Kicks for those two seasons.  

After a couple of years of playing on separate teams, the two boys finally end up on the same team when Kyle joins the U15 team that Jamie is also going to play for that fall.  Again, Jamie is the youngest player on the team.  They are so excited to be back together they can hardly contain themselves.  Bill was glad that Kyle had made the team.  It would be good for Jamie to have him along when they traveled for tournaments.

Jamie and Kyle roomed together when they traveled to overnight tournaments.  On their first overnight trip they stayed in the same room.  They had gotten ready for bed then watched a movie, each laying on their own beds.  When they decided to go to sleep, Kyle was surprised when Jamie climbed in bed with him instead of the other bed.

“What are you doing?”

“We always sleep in the same bed, Kicks, except at your house.”  Jamie sounded hurt.  “But if you want, I’ll go over to the other bed.”

“No.  It’s okay.” 

Jamie slid in next to Kyle.  Kyle felt the warmth of Jamie’s body even though they weren’t touching.  His face flushed and he was glad Jamie couldn’t see it.  Just having Jamie this close made his whole body quiver and his dick started to chub.  God he hoped Jamie didn’t notice.  Kyle rolled over on his side facing away from Jamie.

“Night Marshie.”

“Night Kicks.”

Kyle woke up around 3 am to Jamie shoving him.  “Kicks, god damn it.  My shins are gonna be bruised.  Wake up.”

“Hmmm… sorry Marshie.”  Kyle rolled onto his back.  He felt Jamie press against him, laying his head on Kyle’s chest and wrapping his arm around Kyle’s waist.  They fell back asleep.

\---

The boys had a short break from games around Christmas time.  As usual they really couldn’t stay away from hockey for that long, so they had called their friends and set up a pick-up pond hockey game at Kyle’s house. 

Everything is going great until Kyle flips a shot past Hayden, one of the defensemen.  Jamie wraps Kyle up in a big hug to celebrate.  As they are skating back to the center of the pond for the face-off Jamie hears Hayden.

“Fucking fag.  Lucky goal.”

Kyle hears him, too.  A hurt look coming over his face.  Jamie drops his gloves instantly.  He grabs Hayden by the sweater, spinning him around.  With a quick move he knocks Hayden’s bucket off before Hayden can react.

Jamie’s fist connects with Hayden’s jaw, sending the other boy to the ground. 

“Say you’re sorry, asshole!  Say it or I’ll fucking hit you again!”  Jamie yells as he bends over to get in Hayden’s face, grabbing a handful of jersey and pulling the other boy up.

“I… I… I’m sorry Crow.  I didn’t mean it.”  Hayden keeps his eyes down. 

Jamie pushes him back and whirls to look at the other players standing around the St. Croix pond. 

“Any of you other fuckers ever, ever say anything like that to or about Kicks and I’ll kick your fucking asses.  Is that clear?” 

There were a lot of head nods and mumbled ‘sorry’ responses.  Kyle stood off to the side with his head down, his cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.

“Game’s over.  You all need to leave.”  And with that, Jamie skated over to stand next to Kyle, placing his arm around Kyle’s shoulder as if he was openly challenging any of them to say something else.

After the others had left, Jamie and Kyle dragged the net to the barn to put it away.  They changed out of their equipment and back into jeans and sweaters in the heated exercise room.  Jamie grabbed a couple of Gatorades out of the fridge before going over to sit on the floor next to Kyle.  Neither of them had said a word since the fight. 

Jamie sat down and handed Kyle his fruit punch Gatorade.  “You okay, Kicks?”

Kyle’s head was down, his chin resting on his chest.  “I’m sorry, Marshie.”

“For what?  Because Hayden is an asshole?  They’re all asshole’s.  Just jealous of us being friends and how good we are on a line together.”

“No.  Because it’s true.  What he said.  What he called me.  That’s what I am.  I’m a fag.”

Jamie could see Kyle’s eyes starting to glisten, then the tears begin to moisten his cheeks.  Jamie reached out and wrapped his arm around his best friend, pulling him against his chest.

“Do I have to punch you, too, for using that word?”  That brought a small laugh.  “You’re not a fag, Kicks.  Nobody gets to say that to you.  You’re gay.”

Kyle pulled back with a startled look, “Wh… what?  You know?”

“Well, yeah.  I’ve always known, Kicks.  And it’s not a big deal.”

“You’re okay with it?”  Kyle wiped his eyes and kept his hands in front of his face, trying to hide his embarrassment.  If Jamie knew he was gay, then Jamie had to know that Kyle was in love with him.

Jamie pulled Kyle into another warm embrace, gently kissing the older boy’s forehead.  “Yeah, Kicks.  I know and I’m okay with it.  You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I be okay with it.”


	4. Next Step - The Oil Kings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days later, Jamie was at an overnight tournament in Calgary. He was lying on his hotel bed watching TV and waiting for Kyle to get back with some snacks and drinks from the vending machines. His cellphone rang.
> 
> “Hi, Dad! We’re having a great time. We won our first game today!”
> 
> “Congratulations! That’s the second best piece of news I’ve gotten today.” Jamie could tell his dad was really excited.
> 
> “Dad?”
> 
> “They called Jamie. They want you on the roster this fall!”

February 2013

Bill Marsh sat in the stands watching the Oil Kings practice.  Well it wasn’t just a practice, it was a try-out.  For Jamie.  And he was blowing the coaches away.  Bill watched as Jamie repeatedly skated around older, more seasoned players, as he put in at least three goals off of rushes.  Then they ran some drills to see how Jamie was at fore-checking and back-checking.  On the fore-check the second time through the drill, Jamie stole the puck off one of the Oil Kings’ sticks and was off on a breakaway that ended with another goal.  By the end of the practice, Bill was sure that Jamie would be playing for the Oil Kings next season.

“I am so proud of you.  I know they are going to call and say they want you,” Bill grabbed Jamie into a big hug when he walked out of the locker room after the try-out.  “You were clearly the best player out there.”

“I think you may be a little biased Dad, but yeah, it went really well.”

They start walking out to head home.  Bill was beaming, Jamie thought.  He was so glad that he could make Bill happy after all he and Jean had done for Jamie.  That was all his parents had ever expected or asked from and for him.  If he was happy, they were happy.  And if they were happy, Jamie was happy.

Jamie waited until they were in the Jeep before he decided to ask his dad something that had been bothering him since the practice had ended.

“Dad, why doesn’t Coach St. Croix like me?

“What makes you think he doesn’t like you?”

“He’s not very friendly.  He was the only one of the coaches that didn’t shake my hand after practice today.  And I really don’t think he likes me hanging out at his house with Kyle.”  Jamie bit his lower lips nervously.  “Do you think it’s because of Kyle?  Do you think he thinks Kyle and I are, you know?”

“I don’t know, Jamie.  What do you mean about you and Kyle?”  Bill wasn’t sure he wanted to be having this conversation with his 15-year-old son.  Maybe he should just have Jamie talk to Jean.

“Kyle’s gay, Dad.  But you can’t tell anyone.”  Jamie sighed.  “I think his dad gives him a lot of shit about it, like he’s not willing to admit it.  I think he hit Kyle one time, because Kyle gave me a hug after dinner one night.  But I don’t know.  Kyle wouldn’t say or talk about what happened.”

“Jamie, are you gay?  Do you like Kyle that way?”  Bill waited.

“No.  I don’t think so.  I don’t know.  I like Kyle, but not that way maybe.  I really like Cat, though, so I guess the answer is no.” Bill noticed that Jamie blushed at just the mention of the St. Croix girl. "But I’ve kind of always known about Kyle.  And I know he likes me that way.”

“He does?  Does that bother you?  I mean, does it make you uncomfortable to share a room with him on the road or anything?”

“No, he’s my best friend.  I really don’t care that he gay.  I get really jacked, though, when other people are mean to him because they think he’s gay.  Some of the assholes on our team can be really mean.  I’m gonna worry about him if I get on the Kings and he’s stuck alone on another team.”

“It’ll be okay.  And Luc St. Croix probably doesn’t want to believe his son is gay.  That probably is why he treats you the way he does.  Don’t worry about it.  If you like Kyle as a friend and you don’t care, then that’s all that matters.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“And, you know, if you were gay it would be okay.  Your mom and I wouldn’t love you any less.”  Bill said, but thought to himself how grateful he was that Jamie wasn’t gay.  You couldn’t be gay and play in the NHL after all.

\---

Two days later, Jamie was at an overnight tournament in Calgary.  He was lying on his hotel bed watching TV and waiting for Kyle to get back with some snacks and drinks from the vending machines.  His cellphone rang.

“Hi, Dad!  We’re having a great time.  We won our first game today!”

“Congratulations!  That’s the second best piece of news I’ve gotten today.”  Jamie could tell his dad was really excited.

“Dad?”

“They called Jamie.  They want you on the roster this fall!”

“No fu… No Way!”  He almost swore.  Bill would kick his ass if he had.

“Your mom and I are so excited!  You’ll be playing at a major junior level at 16, Jamie!  That’s something.  All your hard work is starting to pay off, honey!  And the best part is you’ll be here in Edmonton with us for a few more years!  That’s what you wanted, right!”

“Oh my gosh, Dad.  I am so excited!  Yeah, that’s what I’ve wanted!  I didn’t want to have to go away.  Did you thank them for me?”

“Yes.  I told them you’d stop by after you got back from the tournament.  And, as soon as your season is done, you can start practicing with them.  They want you to work with the coaching staff over the summer.  You’re on your way, honey!  Next stop the NHL!”

“NHL, Dad!  Hey, Kicks is back.  We’re gonna celebrate so I’ll talk to you later if that’s okay.  Tell mom I love her.”

“Okay, honey.  Have fun.  Play hard down there!  I love you!”

“Love you, Dad!”

\---

Later that night, the boys were side-by-side in bed, Jamie too keyed up still to sleep.

“Can you believe it, Kicks, I’m gonna play in the WHL.”

Kyle sighed, “That’s great, Marshie.  I’m really happy for you.”

“But?”

“I don’t want to not be playing together again.”

“It’ll be fine.  We’ll both still be home so you can come to my games and I can go to your games.”  Jamie reached over and found Kyle’s hand, lacing their fingers together.  “And if anyone picks on you or hurts you I’ll still kick their ass.”

“Yeah?”

“Always, Kicks.” 

When they were little, Kyle had been Jamie’s protector.  Kyle always shared his lunch, made sure Jamie didn’t get picked on by older kids at hockey, helped him with his school work, and just in general watched over the younger boy. 

That had been their relationship until they were 13 and 14, that was the year Jamie had grown and Kyle had not.  Jamie was now 6’ and had filled out.  Kyle wasn’t short, he was 5’ 10”.  You’d think that 2” wouldn’t be that big a difference, but it was.  Jamie was big and solid.  Kyle was slim and just didn’t look as solid as Jamie.

That was also the year that others started noticing things about Kyle.  How he always smiled and blushed around Jamie.  How he looked at Jamie.  That was the year that other boys started really calling Kyle names and picking on him.  Jamie still would have none of it and had more than once gotten into a fight because someone picked on Kyle.  Kyle thought Jamie did it because he didn’t want them thinking he was a fag, too.  Jamie did it because no one was allowed to hurt his best friend the way he saw the names hurting Kyle.

But then there was that day in December over a year ago, when Jamie had decked Hayden, Kyle thought.  He’d told Kyle that he knew, that he’d always known Kyle was gay and that it didn’t matter.  And, nothing had changed in their relationship.  They were still best friends.  And they still slept in the same bed when they traveled for hockey, or when Kyle spent the night at Jamie’s.  They never shared a bed at Kyle’s.

One time when they were 10 and 11, Kyle had been helping Jamie with his homework.  When Jamie finally figured out a particularly tough math problem, Kyle had thrown his arms around him to give him a big hug.  His dad saw them.  He’d told Kyle to come to the kitchen where he’d told him that he was never to do that again.  Boys don’t hug boys, he’d said.  That was the year Kyle quit hugging his teammates to celebrate goals, at least until his dad told him it was okay to celebrate hockey things that way.

A few weeks after that incident, Jamie had spent the night at Kyle’s.  They were asleep when Luc St. Croix looked in on them.  Kyle was on his stomach with his arm sprawled across Jamie.  St. Croix shut the door in a huff.  Jamie went home the next day, which was a Sunday.  On Monday, Kyle showed up at school with a bruise on his face.  He told everyone he face-planted on the pond.  But, Jamie wasn’t invited over to sleep over at the St. Croix’, and when he was invited again, he and Kyle slept in separate bedrooms.  Jamie wanted to hurt Coach St. Croix, because he knew, he just knew that he’d hurt Kyle, that he’d hit him.

Now, lying in bed next to Jamie, with Jamie’s fingers laced in his, Kyle’s heart was heavy when it should have been soaring.  Kyle knew that no matter what Jamie said about always being there for Kyle, this was just the beginning of the end.  Jamie would go to the WHL. He’d be great, well, because he was Jamie and Jamie was great.  So Jamie would get drafted, and he would leave for the NHL someday.  And, Kyle.  Kyle would be stuck here.  With the bullies.  With his dad.  Without Jamie.


	5. First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat finally shifted her body towards him, putting her hands against his chest.
> 
> “Hey.” She said in a low voice.
> 
> “Hey.”
> 
> She leaned up to bring her mouth to his, just brushing his lips lightly.
> 
> “Is this okay?” She asked, pulling away. Jamie was sitting frozen like a log, but the look in his eyes was telling her it was.

July 2013

Jamie fidgeted as he pushed the grocery cart down the aisles, following his mom as she picked up various items that were on her shopping list.  He would rather be over at Kyle’s house, working out in the barn.  Well, okay.  He wasn’t really that eager to go work out, but Cat was home. 

Cat had gone away to a prep school for the last two years, because there was more of an opportunity for her to play hockey that way.  She was home for a couple of months before leaving for college the end of August.  Jamie couldn’t wait to see her.

“Honey, what kind of cereal do you want me to get you this week?”

“I don’t care.  How about the shredded wheat stuff?”  He scuffed his foot a few times, just wanting his mom to hurry up.  Then he heard a voice behind him and a pair of arms wrapped around his waist.

“When did you get so big, Jay?”  She squeezed hard as he tried to turn around, keeping herself pressed against him.

“Fucking hell Cat, let go!”  His mom shot him a stern look.  “Sorry.  I mean Cat please let me go,”

Having her pressed against him much longer was going to be a problem.  She was warm against him and her hair smelled like orange blossoms.  Jamie was starting to get hard.  “Cat, please!”

She let him go and he turned around, bending over with his hands on his knees, trying to get himself to think of anything but his dick and Cat.

She realizes what’s going on and smiles.  “Sorry about that.” She whispers. “Guess you are happy to see me.”

“Oh my god, Cat.” He says under his breath, blushing from the top of his head all the way down his neck.  “It’s not fucking funny.  My mom is standing over there.”

Jean Marsh steps to the cart and starts pushing it away, “Nice to see you Cat, dear. Jamie I’m going to keep shopping.  If you want, you can go with your friends.  I’ll manage the groceries on my own.”

“Are you sure, Mom?  Dad’s not going to be mad if I abandon you?”

“No dear, you go on,” she laughed.

Jamie stood up, mostly under control.

“Wow, what a difference a year makes, Jay.  You’ve really put on some muscle.  Gonna need it against those WHL-ers.” 

She looks wonderful to Jamie.  He hair loose and falling down over her shoulder and back.  She’s tall, with long legs and arms, that suit her as a goalie, giving her extra range in the net.  Her skin is a beautiful tanned bronze, with a pink glow from the embarrassment of having given Jamie a boner.  She keeps looking down, then looking back at him through long lashes.  Those blue eyes twinkle with mischief.

“So.  Kyle’s picking up some stuff.  We should go find him and get out of here.  Wanna go swimming in the pond?”

“Yeah.  That would be great.  I’ll borrow a pair of shorts from Kicks.  They should fit.”  He falls in step beside her.

“If they don’t, you can always just skinny-dip.”  She winks at him, watching him blush and knowing what she’s doing to him.

\---

They had shared a chaste kiss a year ago, before Cat went back to prep school.  She had never thought about Jamie any way other than as a friend, kind of a pseudo little brother.  The three of them, her, Kyle and Jamie were always together it seemed, when they were younger.  They would spend hours on the pond or in the barn playing hockey.  But as they’d gotten older, their time together became less and less.

Last year when Cat came home from prep school, she had suddenly seen Jamie in a different light.  He had gotten so much taller since she’d seen him last.  Suddenly he had broad shoulders, and a muscled abdomen.  His face was starting to really lose the baby fat and become defined by fine, smooth chiseled features.  And fuck, he was only 14, she’d thought.  He was gonna break a lot of hearts someday.

She knew Kyle was in love with Jamie, but she was pretty sure Jamie wasn’t gay.  But he stayed friends with Kyle, that also earned him points in her book.  If she wasn’t there to watch over Kyle, she knew Jamie would protect him.  It wasn’t that Kyle needed protecting, but teenage boys could be mean.  And so could her father.  Yeah, it was good that Jamie was around for Kyle, and that at some point he’d probably even take on her father to protect Kyle.

Kyle was visiting their grandparents for a week last year, but Jamie came over to work out in the exercise room in the barn.  Cat had walked in on him doing pull-ups.  Her breath had caught in her throat at the site of him hanging from the bar.  She watched as his abs tightened and released with each rep.  His arm muscles taught.  Sweat dripping off his bare chest. 

She’d watched him for a few minutes before clearing her throat so that he realized she was there.  He’d smiled and dropped down from the bar, grabbing his Gatorade and walking over.  He was fit, muscular, but still needed to fill out.  Another 20 lbs. would do wonders for him, she thought.  They’d talked and flirted, ending up working out together. 

They flirted with each other for the next month, before Cat had to leave again.  Jamie had come over for dinner and to say good-bye.  Cat had offered to give him a ride home.  Before he got out at his house, he had turned towards her in the car, shy and uncertain.  Cat had leaned over and gently kissed him, waiting for him to respond until she parted her own lips, kissing him a little more.  He’d pulled back with a startled look on his face, blurted out a hurried ‘Bye Cat.  I’ll miss you’, then bolted out of the car and ran to the house.  Cat had driven away laughing, but thinking that with some practice Jamie would be a really good kisser.

That had been a year ago.  Now Cat wanted to find out if Jamie was still interested in her.

\---

A week later they were sitting in the barn.  Jamie had been practicing shots with Cat in goal for him.  Kyle was away at his annual visit to his grandparents, so it was just the two of them.

“Happy birthday, Jay!”  Cat handed him a small box, wrapped neatly in brightly colored paper.  “I know it’s early, but I wanted to give you this without Ky being around.”

He took it with a shy thank you and told her she didn’t have to get him anything.  Jamie carefully undid the wrapping, revealing a framed picture.  An autographed picture of Andrew Ference of the Edmonton Oilers to be exact.

“Holy shit, Cat!  How’d you get this?” 

“The Oilers were in Calgary, so a bunch of us from school drove up for a game.  I caught him at the hotel. I got one for you and Kyle, but I’m keeping his for Christmas, so you can’t tell him.”

He leaned towards her and hesitantly gave her a kiss.  “I won’t tell.  This is awesome, thank you so much.”  He was blushing.

“Hey, let’s change and go get something to eat.  Mom and Dad are away on a business trip for Dad, so I’m own my own.  It would be nice to have some company.”  She slaps his leg and got to her feet.  Jamie jumped up and followed her to the house, carrying the present like it was gold.

Jamie sat at the kitchen table while Cat fixed them dinner, some pasta with vegetables and olive oil.  That sat and ate, Cat telling him all about getting the autographs.  After dinner they put their dishes in the sink and went in to the living room.

Jamie sat on the couch while Cat retrieved the TV remote and sat down beside him.

“So what do you want to watch?”

“I don’t care,” Jamie said as he pulled his phone out.  “I’m gonna let my folks know I’m gonna hang out here for a while, give me a ride home later?”  Cat nodded.

They settled on watching some movie about a girl who runs away and ends up working on some horse farm or something.  Cat liked movies like that.  Jamie didn’t care, he wasn’t paying attention.  He kept glancing sideways trying to just look at Cat without being too obvious. 

Cat finally shifted her body towards him, putting her hands against his chest.

“Hey.” She said in a low voice.

“Hey.”

She leaned up to bring her mouth to his, just brushing his lips lightly.

“Is this okay?”  She asked, pulling away.  Jamie was sitting frozen like a log, but the look in his eyes was telling her it was.

Cat kissed him again, this time letting her lips part and running her tongue against Jamie’s lips.  He parted his lips and she kissed into him, letting her tongue now lick into his mouth. 

Jamie started kissing back at a frantic pace.  It was wet and sloppy, Jamie not sure of how to tip his head.  They bumped noses a couple of times before Cat pulled away.

“Easy,” she said, cupping his face in her hands. “Not so frantic.  Slow down and enjoy it.  Like this.”

Jamie was as fast a learner at this as he was at hockey.  Soon they were making out like this was their hundredth time, not their first.  Cat pulled back and Jamie moaned a protest.  She shifted so that she was straddling his legs.  She had noticed the outline of his erection in his shorts already, and when she eased onto his lap she could feel it against her. 

“You’re allowed to touch, ya know.”  She took his hands and brought them to her hips, before leaning back in to kiss him again.  Jamie’s hands just held her for a few minutes before he let them roam up and cup her breasts.  She murmured her approval into his mouth.  He gently let his hands squeeze her.

Jamie was in heaven.  He was making out with Cat.  He was keenly aware of everything that was going on at the moment.  His tongue playing with Cat’s, licking in and out of each other’s mouths.  His hands cupping and playing with her breasts.  Cat’s hands rubbing up and down his chest, across his arms, back to his chest and down to his… shit!

Jamie’s whole body tensed then quivered as he came in his shorts.  He dropped his hands to his side, his chin falling to his chest and his face blushing deep red in his embarrassment.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

“For what?  Jamie,” she cupped his face in her hands, lifting it so he was looking at her.  “It’s okay.  Is this the first time you’ve ever made out?”  Jamie nodded, a new wave of embarrassment washing over him.

“Do you want?  I mean?  We can keep going?  We don’t have to stop.  You should, I mean, you’ll be able to,” it was her turn to be embarrassed.

“I know what you’re trying to say.  Yeah, can we try this again.”  He leaned to her, claiming her mouth again.

They kissed that way for a short time before Cat felt Jamie getting hard again.  This time she kept her hands off him.  Jamie was massaging her breasts again.  He slowly slid his hands around her body and down to cup her ass.

Jamie pulled her hips to him, lifting her and turning her whole body to lay her down on the couch.  She reached for the waistband of her shorts and started pulling them down, Jamie reached to help her slide them and her panties off. 

He stood and slipped out of his own shorts and boxers, sticky and wet from having come.  Cat caught a glimpse of Jamie’s hard dick, and licked her lips.  Oh my god, she thought.  He’s better built that a lot of older guys she’s been with. 

Jamie laid down on top of her, bracing his arms on either side of her head.  Cat spread her legs, wrapping them around his waist.  Neither of them said a world, Jamie just locked his eyes to Cat’s.

She reached down and took his hard dick in her hands, he gasped, but didn’t come.  She waited for his breathing to settle, and he nodded.  She guided him to her wet opening.  This was probably wrong on so many levels, she thought, but all she could think about was getting Jamie into her.  When he felt that she had him there, he slowly rocked his hips, sliding into her completely.  Cat brought her hand back up and wrapped her arms around him.  Jamie started fucking into her.  It was an awkward and fast pace.  Uncontrolled at first until Jamie suddenly stopped and she saw him grit his teeth.  She could tell he hadn’t come, but wasn’t sure what was wrong.  After a minute she saw his features relax.

“Slow.  Like the kissing, right?”

She grinned, “If you can.  Yes.”

Jamie concentrated.  Cat almost laughed.  He was taking this as seriously as he would learning a new hockey play.  But he was also doing exactly what she needed, and wanted.  Jamie stroked in and out slowly, she’d watch him holding his breath while he concentrated on the slow rock of his hips, until he’d remember to breath and gasp a few breaths.  She looked up into his face, Jamie had his eyes closed, his face starting to glisten with a sheen of sweat as he worked to hold off his orgasm.

She was amazed at the control that the 15-year-old was showing.  She dropped her head back against a pillow and let out a low moan.  Every time he slid in was ecstasy to her at this point. 

Cat felt his hips stutter and he groaned.  She knew he had to be close. 

“Come on, Jay.  Fuck me now.  Faster.”

Jamie opened his eyes to look at her, the smoky green barely outlining his wide pupils.  He dipped his head and started pumping his hips faster, pulling out and driving back in in rapid strokes.

“Oh god, Cat.”  He said as he pushed in hard and came deep inside her.  His body rocked with spasms and he thrust a few more times before collapsing on top of her.


	6. Well That Was Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie didn’t have a game the last Saturday of September, so Kicks was coming over to spend the night. As they laid in bed together, Jamie couldn’t help but think about Cat as he looked at Kyle. When he woke up to get Kyle to quit kicking him, Jamie, as usual, snuggled up tight to Kyle to fall back asleep. As he drifted off, he could imagine himself sleeping against Cat.

August 1, 2013

“Happy Birthday, honey!”  His mom said as she sat the cake with 16 candles burning brightly down in front of him.

His friends were all gathered around.  After they sang Happy Birthday, his mom told him to make a wish.

Jamie looked around the room until he found Cat, standing by his dad.  She smiled and winked at him.  Jamie closed his eyes and made a wish.

A little later, his friends crowded around him in the living room as he opened his presents.  Mostly it was little stuff or hockey related games.  Kicks got him a Mario Lemieux bobblehead doll off of Ebay.  He had taped a picture of Jamie over the face.  That brought about a round of laughter from everyone.

After Jamie had finished opening the presents from his friends, Bill walked over and handed Jamie a small, neatly wrapped box.  Jamie tore open the paper and opened the box.  Inside was a car key.

“No way!” He heard Kicks and few others exclaim.

Jamie looked at Bill and Jean, wide eyed and incredulous.  “Are you kidding me?”

“You’re eligible to get your Class 5, so your mother and I thought it would be better if you could drive yourself to practice and games.  It’s in the driveway.”

All the boys sprang up and raced out.  It was a 2008 Ford Escape with just over 80,000 miles.  Black.  With grey interior.  But the way Jamie reacted, you’d have thought it was brand new.  He couldn’t wait to go take his test for the next step in his driver’s license.

\---

The next day, Jamie went and took his test and got his Class 5 license.  The first person he went and picked up was Kicks.  They drove to a local ice cream place for hamburgers and shakes.  Then he’d driven Kicks home.  Cat was waiting, saying it was her turn to go.  She eagerly jumped in the passenger seat as Kicks got out.

In the three weeks since their first time, Cat and Jamie had hooked up several more times.  Usually in the backseat of Cat’s car when she gave him a ride home after he’d spent the day with Kicks.  Once they had done it in Jamie’s bedroom when Bill and Jean had been gone on a shopping trip for the day.

It was difficult to get time alone together, partly because they didn’t want Kyle to know about them hooking up.  Cat had made that clear from the beginning.  She knew how her brother felt about Jamie and she was not going to let him find out.  It would break his heart.  But she was also not going to stop what she was doing.

Cat hadn’t had any idea just how fast a learner Jamie was, and by their third time he was relaxed and able to really enjoy himself, while also making sure she really enjoyed herself.  Jamie was very giving.  His hands, with exceptionally long fingers she noted, had explored every inch of her body.  And she had explored Jamie’s. 

The second time they hooked up was the first time she gave him a blow job.  He had just sat there thanking her.  For all his maturity and the fact that he looked older than he was, when it came to sex, to sex with Cat, Jamie was still a shy inexperienced teenager at that point.  But, she thought, that had changed quickly.

Now, just three weeks later, Jamie hadn’t wasted any time driving Cat to their favorite parking spot.

“It’s the middle of the day, Jay.”  She had admonished as he’d laid his seat back and tugged at her arm.

“Come on, Cat.  You’re only gonna be home another couple of weeks.  Please.”

She looked into those green eyes and gave in, climbing over to straddle his hips, leaning down against his chest to melt into a kiss.  It was a tight fit for the two of them, but they made it work and soon they had just enough skin exposed for Jamie to slide himself up into her as she rocked her hips, clenching around him until he came.

As they got their clothes straightened, Jamie had said it.  Without thought.  “I love you Cat.”

She paused.  She knew that he liked her, this really wasn’t a surprise.  And she liked Jamie.  But she wasn’t in love with him.  To Cat, this was just a summer thing with a friend.  She didn’t know what to say.

“Cat?”

“Uh, I love you too, Jay.” 

\---

Cat left to go to college the end of August.  Jamie moped for a week.  Kyle wasn’t sure why Jamie was so upset about Cat leaving.  He had his suspicions, but he didn’t like thinking about them.

The first week Jamie and Cat had texted or talked every day.  By the end of the next week it was far less often.  Jamie figured she was just busy with school and hockey.  He started practices with the Oil Kings just after the first of September, so he understood being busy.

By the time Jamie played in his first game, the season opener on September 20th, Cat had stopped texting him back and had stopped calling completely.  Which just made Jamie all the mopeyer when he wasn’t on ice.

At least he had Kicks to hang around with, he thought.  Kicks who was still so much like her.  Who looked so much like her. 

Jamie didn’t have a game the last Saturday of September, so Kicks was coming over to spend the night.  As they laid in bed together, Jamie couldn’t help but think about Cat as he looked at Kyle.  When he woke up to get Kyle to quit kicking him, Jamie, as usual, snuggled up tight to Kyle to fall back asleep.  As he drifted off, he could imagine himself sleeping against Cat.

Jamie’s first road trip with the Oil Kings was the first week of October.  They would travel east to play Bandon, Saskatoon, and Prince Albert.  Jamie was lonely on the trip, he missed having Kicks with him in the hotel.  His roommate was Evan Lodario, a second year forward.  Evan was nice enough, and he and Jamie got along, but it just wasn’t like having Kicks there.

Jamie called Kicks every day, and texted him about everything that he was doing.  Jamie was upset that he was missing Kicks’ birthday on the 5th, but when he called him that night, Jamie told Kicks’ he’d scored a goal for Kicks’ birthday present.  Kicks giggled and told him that was the best present he got.

As October progressed, the boys got into that routine.  Calling and texting when Jamie was at away games if it was an overnight trip, and getting together when they were both home.  If Jamie had an off night at home, Kicks came over and spent the night.  At some point, Jamie quit waiting until he woke up because of Kicks’ kicking to snuggle up with him, and just did it all night.

Kicks’ heart soared at how his friendship with Jamie was.  Like Jamie, Kyle missed being together on the road.  His roommate pretty much just ignored him most of the time.  Just like Jamie had promised though, he was still there to support Kyle.  He’d had a ‘chat’ with the roommate, and his attitude quickly changed.  At least now he talked to Kyle at night.  Kicks new in his heart he wanted their relationship to be more, but he would take this.

The end of October, the Oil Kings were on the road at Regina.  After the game, Evan had been tired and turned in.  Jamie was restless.  He’d texted Kicks, but he hadn’t been able to talk.  Something about his dad and having to practice slap shots.  Jamie laid in bed for a while before he got up and went to the bathroom.

After relieving himself, he stood over the toilet, his dick in his hand.  He slowly started rubbing up and down.  Maybe this would help him sleep.  The way he was feeling, he knew it wouldn’t take long.

He closed his eyes and let images of Cat come to his mind.  He felt himself thickening, getting harder as he picked up the pace with his hand a little.  Cat.  Cat.  Fucking Cat.  He could feel himself getting closer. 

He squeezed his eyes tighter.  Come on, he thought.  Almost.  And then other images flashed into his head.  The blue eyes.   The red lips.  The way his body felt pressed against him in bed at night.    


“Oh, god, Kicks!” He breathed out as he came harder than he had in a long time.


	7. All I Want To Do Is Kiss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t know, Kicks. I mean, I don’t think I’m gay. I mean I like girls. I liked having sex with a girl.”
> 
> “With Cat, you mean.” Kyle looks down, embarrassed and hurt at the thought.
> 
> “You know?” Kyle just nods his head to Jamie’s question.
> 
> “Yeah. I thought I loved Cat. Now, now I don’t know anything. But I can’t quit thinking about you.” Jamie lays his hand on Kyle’s knee. “Kicks I can’t think of anything except that right now, I want to kiss you.”

“What the fuck!”  Jamie says aloud after he cleans himself up.  “What in the ever loving fuck!”

He goes back out and climbs in bed again, his mind racing.  Why in hell had he thought about Kyle while he was jacking off?  That just isn’t right, he thought.  Kyle’s gay.  I’m not gay.  I still love Cat.  Right.  Cat who evidently didn’t love me back.  Fuck.  I’m not gay.

Finally, Jamie drifts off to sleep.  In the morning, he reasons with himself that it had been just because he had been tired from the game, and he was just missing Kicks.  Not because he was in any way attracted to Kicks that way, in any kind of a sexual way.  And he believed what he was telling himself. 

Until it happens again.  The next night after their game in Swift Current.

And again.  A few days later when they are in Calgary.

The Oil Kings are on the road the first two weeks of November.  Every night he is in a hotel, Jamie waits until he is sure that Evan is asleep before he slips into the bathroom to jerk off.  And every night he thinks more and more about Kyle while he does it.  About hugging Kyle.  About sleeping curled up next to Kyle.  About Kyle’s smile.  About kissing Kyle.  About touching Kyle.  About Kyle touching him.

By the time they get home for any stretch, it is November 14.  Jamie is miserable.  What the fuck is wrong with him that he can’t seem to jerk off any more without thinking of his best friend?  Maybe it’s just because he looks like Cat, he thinks.  But he knows that’s not true, he doesn’t even think about Cat at all anymore.

He thinks about Kyle.  Jamie’s face lights up every time he gets a text from Kyle.  He waits anxiously when he knows Kyle will be calling him, so he can lock himself in the bathroom so they can talk uninterrupted.  Jamie giggles and laughs at everything Kyle talks about.  Kyle makes Jamie feel all happy and warm inside when they are talking.  And now, Jamie knows why.

“I’m fucking in love with my best friend,” he says as he’s lying in bed his first night back home. This is about the hundredth conversation he’s had with himself since the first time he thought about Kyle while getting off. 

“What am I going to fucking do.  I’m not gay.  I'm not?”  He can feel himself getting hard, just thinking about Kyle, though.  He slides his hand into his pajama pants.  “This is just so fucked up.”

\---

They get a break between the 16th and 22nd at home.  Kicks doesn’t have a game the night of the 17th so he comes over to stay.  It’s the first they’ve seen each other since Jamie got back.  It’s not like he’s avoiding Kicks, Jamie thinks.  He’s still texting and talking to him on the phone.  He’s just been busy, that’s all.  Yeah.  Busy avoiding seeing Kicks.

They spend the evening like they have so many others.  Playing video games while they are sitting side-by-side on Jamie’s bed.  Jamie is trying to act normal.  He’s trying not to think about the warmth coming for Kicks’ body where it’s touching his.  He tries not to jump away as Kicks leans his body into Jamie each time he tries to maneuver his player in NHL 14.  Kicks is killing him in the game, up by six goals.

When they finish the game, they go out to the kitchen to get some snacks.  They come back with a bowl of popcorn and Cokes.  They are sitting across from each other.  Jamie is trying to not make eye contact.  He keeps looking up and down nervously.  Their hands bump when they both reach for popcorn at the same time.  Jamie pulls back sharply.

“Uh, sorry.”  He whispers.

“Geez, Marshie.  What the hell’s wrong.  You’ve been acting weird since I got here.”  Kyle stuffs a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he huffs, but then after a minute says, “Kicks, what’s it like being gay?”

“I don’t know?  It’s just like, I don’t know?”

“And you’ve just always been gay?  Like you always just knew?”  Jamie has his head tipped down, staring intently at the popcorn bowl.

“I guess.  Yeah.  I’ve just always known that I liked guys that way and not girls.”  Well, one guy anyway, Kicks thinks to himself.  “Why all the questions all of the sudden, Marshie?”

Jamie reaches and moves the popcorn bowl, setting it off to the side.  Kicks gives him a funny look.  Jamie then leans forward, closing the space between them.  Kicks’ heart is beating fast; this can’t be happening he thinks.  Jamie leans the last little way, pressing his lips against Kyle’s.

When Jamie pulls back, Kyle doesn’t know what to say or do.  They sit there for a minute just looking at each other.

“Jamie, why?  What are you doing?” 

“I don’t know, Kicks.  I mean, I don’t think I’m gay.  I mean I like girls.  I liked having sex with a girl.”

“With Cat, you mean.”  Kyle looks down, embarrassed and hurt at the thought.

“You know?” Kyle just nods his head to Jamie’s question.

“Yeah.  I thought I loved Cat.  Now, now I don’t know anything.  But I can’t quit thinking about you.”  Jamie lays his hand on Kyle’s knee.  “Kicks I can’t think of anything except that right now, I want to kiss you.”

Kyle raises his head, his eyes filled with hope.  He leans towards Jamie.

Jamie leans into Kyle for another kiss, unsure of what he’s doing.  It’s not like he has a lot of experience at this.  Well, at least not with another guy.  After a few minutes he pulls back.

“Marshie, are you sure you want to do this?  I mean, it’s okay if you don’t”

“Shut up already Kicks.  I said I did.”


	8. The Second First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh my god, Kicks,” he says before gritting his teeth.
> 
> “This all right, Marshie?” 
> 
> All Jamie can do is whimper and nod against Kyle. It only takes a few strokes before Jamie’s body tenses. 
> 
> “Kicks, I’m gonna…”
> 
> “Yeah, do it, go ahead Marshie.”

Jamie gets up and moves the popcorn off the bed.  When he comes back he lays down and pats the bed next to him.  Kyle stretches out on his back next to Jamie, his head on the pillow.  Jamie is on his side, propped up on his elbow.

Jamie is looking down at Kyle, who’s blond curls are framing his face just perfectly Jamie thinks.

“I… I don’t understand this, Jamie,” Kicks keeps his eyes down, afraid to look at Jamie for fear that somehow this won’t be real.  “You’ve never.  You’re not gay.”

Jamie cups Kyle’s face with his hand.  “I don’t understand it either, Kicks.  So can we just not talk about it?” 

He leans down and lets his mouth brush over the older boy’s lips.  Soft and innocent.  Kyle lets his lips part, and his tongue press to Jamie’s lips.  Jamie eagerly opens his mouth into the kiss, letting his tongue play against Kyle’s. 

Jamie moans a little when Kyle sucks on his lower lip, pulling it into his mouth and then releasing it with small slurp.  When they finally break apart, Jamie can’t believe how hot he thinks Kyle’s lips are all red and wet from their kissing.

“I’m not sure what to do.”  Jamie says.  “I mean, I’d be happy just kissing, but, I mean.”

“I’m good with just kissing, Marshie.  You kiss nice.”

“Have you ever?  With another guy, I mean, what have you ever done?”

“I’ve done some, you know,” Kyle makes the universal sign for jerking off, “with another guy.  And I’ve given a couple of guys blow jobs.”  Kyle’s face flushes red.          

Jamie leans back down to just kiss Kyle some more.  He lets his hand fall to Kyle’s chest, rubbing him through the material of his t-shirt.  Kyle rolls slightly into Jamie, and bring his hand to Jamie’s hip, then slides it up under Jamie’s t-shirt. 

Kyle gives a contented moan.  For so many years he’s wanted to be able to kiss Jamie.  To be able to touch him.  He’s had to endure countless work-out sessions in the barn, watching Jamie’s body hard and glistening with sweat, knowing in his heart what he wanted, and always believing he couldn’t have it.  But here was Jamie, kissing him and letting Kyle touch him.

Jamie isn’t sure of what to do at all.  This isn’t anything like making out with Cat. By the last time he’d been with her, Jamie had been sure and confident of what he was doing.  Right now, he is nervous and unsure.  But, determined to figure things out.  Very determined.  What had Cat told him one time, one of the first times?  Just do what feels good, what feels right. 

His mind is racing.  What should I do next.  His hand is on my chest.  Under my shirt.  Should I put my hand under his shirt?  Then he realizes, this isn’t hockey Jamie, you don’t need to have every move planned out, just do what you’d like done to you, idiot.

Jamie rolls over on top of Kyle, straddling one of Kyle’s legs.  He presses their hips together as he keeps kissing Kyle.  Kyle’s dick is hard against his jeans when Kyle thrusts his hips up against Jamie.   Jamie reaches down with a hand, reaching between their hips to palm Kyle’s dick.  Kyle’s breath hitches.

Kyle pushes up into the pressure of Jamie’s hand.  He reaches down and undoes the button of his jeans, Jamie pulls the zipper down, before he sits back on his knees to help Kyle pull his jeans down. 

Jamie suddenly gets a panicked look on his face, jumping up off the bed.  Kyle stares in confusion, worried that Jamie has changed his mind about all this, until he sees Jamie lock the bedroom door.  As Jamie walks back to the bed, he takes his jeans and t-shirt off.  Kyle is stripping out of his t-shirt as Jamie climbs back on the bed, kneeling between Kyle’s legs. 

“That could have been disastrous.” Kyle smirks.

Kyle lets his hands rest on Jamie’s shoulders as he leans forward to kiss him again.  As he lays back, he pulls Jamie down on top of him.  At first Jamie holds his hips up off Kyle.  He had noticed the outline of Kyle’s dick straining against the fabric of his boxers.  Jamie’s sure Kyle was looking at Jamie’s dick when he sat back down.  It doesn’t take more than Kyle arching his hips up to rub himself against Jamie for Jamie to just relax and press his own hips against Kyle. 

The thought that this is weird lingers in the back of Jamie’s mind, shouting at him ‘I’m not gay.  I shouldn’t be enjoying this.’  The low murmuring noises coming from Kyle push all those thoughts out of his head quickly, though.  Jamie slowly grinds his hips against Kyle’s.  He can feel himself rubbing against Kyle, and is acutely aware of the way Kyle feels against him.

Kyle pushes his hand down between their bodies.  First pulling his own dick out from the restraints of his boxers, then slipping his hand inside Jamie’s boxers and pulling him out as well.  All the while he keeps kissing Jamie, his hand on the back of Jamie’s neck to keep him from pulling away.

Kyle pulls back from the kiss for a moment, “Raise your hips just a little, Marshie.  We can do something a kid from Saskatoon did with me last year if you want.” 

Jamie nods, lifting his hips, which gives Kyle more room to get his hand between them again.  Kyle wraps his hand around Jamie, the head of his dick wet with precum.  Kyle runs his fingers over the head and down the shaft.  He strokes Jamie a few times then pulls his hand out, spitting on it a couple of times before reaching down again.  This time he takes both of their dicks into his hand.

Jamie groans and drops his head down onto Kyle’s shoulder.  The sensation of his dick rubbing against Kyle’s as he strokes them both overwhelming him. 

“Oh my god, Kicks,” he says before gritting his teeth.

“This all right, Marshie?” 

All Jamie can do is whimper and nod against Kyle.  It only takes a few strokes before Jamie’s body tenses. 

“Kicks, I’m gonna…”

“Yeah, do it, go ahead Marshie.” 

Kyle strokes them faster as he feels Jamie’s cum spurt onto their bellies and all over his hand.  That’s all it takes for Kyle, he leans his head back, his jaw clenched tight as he cums, too.

Jamie collapses on top of him, breathing heavy.


	9. I Kissed A Boy And I Liked It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He types I had sex with another guy am I gay. The articles are a little better. By the time he’s read three articles, Jamie is relieved to learn he’s not gay. Or at least he can tell himself he’s not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean Kicks is gay and that’s fine. Jamie convinces himself that he’s just experimenting, cause it’s okay to be curious. It’s just sex. Isn’t it? He’s not in love with Kyle, like he thought, right? He’s just... fuck.
> 
> “I am so gay.”

Eventually Jamie gets up and grabs his t-shirt, wiping himself off before tossing the t-shirt to Kyle.  Jamie opens a drawer of a dresser and pulls out two pairs of boxers, changing into a clean pair and giving the other to Kyle. 

“These shouldn’t be too big.” 

They don’t say much to each other the rest of the night, playing another game of NHL 14, finishing off the popcorn and drinks, then climbing into bed and going to sleep.  As has become their routine, Jamie snuggles up tight to Kyle, falling asleep with his head on Kyle’s shoulder.

The next morning Jamie wakes up and Kyle isn’t in bed.  He looks around, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.  A few seconds later, the bedroom door opens and Kyle walks in, he’s shirtless, wearing just his jeans.

“Morning.”  Jamie couldn’t bring himself to look at Kyle, keeping his head down as he shuffled past him.  “Gotta take a piss.”

When he came back Kicks was back in bed.  He pulled back the comforter and sheets.  Jamie hesitated but climbed in and stretched out next to Kyle. 

 “Jamie?”  Kyle rarely used Jamie’s name and not a nickname.  “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Kicks.”  Jamie’s voice was barely above a whisper, his eyes focused on Kyle’s shoulder, still unable to look at his friend’s face.

Kyle’s heart flutters at Jamie’s subdued response, a wave of fear washing over him.  Jamie hasn’t looked at him. He’s barely said anything since they made out.  What if this makes Jamie not want to be friends anymore?  What if he loses Jamie from his life?  What if?  Kyle’s mind is racing with doubts, and yet there is a positive.  Jamie slept curled against him all night, and now was again in his arms.  But Jamie had been so quiet, was still being so quiet.  Was he regretting what happened?

“Kicks,” it was barely audible, “are you okay?”

“Yeah.”  He wanted to say more.  Wanted to call Jamie an ignoramus.  That last night had been the best thing in Kyle’s life so far.  To tell him how happy Kyle was last night.  To tell him how much he loved him.  How much he had always loved him.  But all he said was, yeah.

There is a knock at the door, and his father’s voice from the other side.  “Mom’s making breakfast if you boys are up.”

“Be out in a minute, Dad.”  Jamie replies.  He finally looks up at Kyle.  “Guess we should go out for breakfast.”

“Okay.” 

Kyle turns his head away, starting to get up, but Jamie stops him, his hand on Kyle’s cheek.  Then Jamie is kissing him.  Kyle’s heart lightens.  Maybe.  Maybe Jamie is okay.  Maybe this is possibly going to happen.  Maybe he’s going to be able to be with Jamie like this after all.  Maybe.

Jamie pulls away from the kiss.  He still doesn’t look okay to Kyle, but a small smile is there.  That’s another good sign.

“After breakfast.  Um, maybe we could.  I mean.  Maybe you could show me some of the other stuff we can do?  I mean, I’m happy Kicks.  That we, you know.  But I don’t know what to do now.”  The red that floods his face spreads down his neck and chest.  “I mean.  If you want to.”

Kyles facial expression changes.  Happiness radiating from his eyes.  He’s realized what is bothering Jamie.  Jamie did want this, but he was embarrassed.  Embarrassed because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.  During sex.  With another boy.  It’s like every time they learned something new in hockey when they were younger.  Jamie would be uncertain, hesitant at first, embarrassed because he didn’t know things the older kids knew.  He would practice and practice until he mastered every skill.  Well, then.  If Jamie was feeling that way, and practicing things would help him.  Why would Kyle ever say no to that.

“Like I’ve got a lot of experience at this.” Kyle says, trying to let Jamie know it’s okay not to know everything. “But we’ll figure stuff out together.  Would that be okay?”

Jamie nods, his mood seeming to have relaxed some. 

“Kicks and Marshie.  Doing it together off the ice now too.”  Jamie’s got a stupid grin on his face.  “Of course, just like with hockey, you know I’m gonna be better at this than you.”

Kyle breaks out laughing, pushing Jamie back.  “In your dreams, Marshie.”

\---

After breakfast, they end up lying next to each other in bed again jerking each other off.  Later in the day, Jamie drives Kyle home.  Kyle looks all around to see if anybody is watching before he leans across the center consul to give Jamie a quick kiss before scrambling out of the vehicle.

When Jamie gets home, he grabs his laptop and props himself up against the headboard of his bed.  The first thing he types in to Google is _sexual identity._   A whole list of articles appears.  Jamie looks over them.  Nothing looks exactly like what he thinks he’s looking for, so he tries something else.

He types _I had sex with another guy am I gay._   The articles are a little better.  By the time he’s read three articles, Jamie is relieved to learn he’s not gay.  Or at least he can tell himself he’s not gay.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I mean Kicks is gay and that’s fine.  Jamie convinces himself that he’s just experimenting, cause it’s okay to be curious.  It’s just sex.  Isn’t it?  He’s not in love with Kyle, like he thought, right?  He’s just... fuck.

“I am so gay.”

\---

As he’s sitting there thinking about his life, he sees an ad for a website.  A gay porn website.  Okay, so he knows better than to just click the ad, it could just be a virus thing.  The picture is interesting.  And a little disturbing. so he leaves the page he’s on and goes to check his email, trying to take his mind off the gay porn.  Nothing important there though. 

His mind is working.  Thinking about the gay porn.  He’d told Kyle that he’d be better at this than him and Kyle had laughed at him.  Jamie’s competitive nature, however, wasn’t going to back down on that statement.  “Fuck it, I’ll show that asshole who’s the best at everything.”  He types in _gay porn_ in the search engine.

He picks one of the free sites and clicks on the link.  There are categories.  Twinks?  Okay, that looks, um, no.  Barebacking?  He clicks on that and is met by a picture of a giant dick stuck up a guy’s ass.  Oh holy shit, not ready for that yet.  He quickly hits the back button.  He looks over the list again.  Blowjobs?  There we go, let’s start simple.  He clicks the link and starts watching videos.  By the forth one, he’s so hard in his jeans that he can’t stand it.  

He sets the computer off his lap, undoes his jeans, slides his hand in and pulls out his throbbing dick.  It doesn’t take much before he cums all over his hand and t-shirt.  The thought racing through his mind that he wishes Kyle had been there to help him.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               


	10. A Little Healthy Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle looks down at Jamie’s face beneath him, Jamie’s lips wet, red and slightly puffy from some pretty great kissing. Kyle can’t believe this is all still real. That Jamie is here, on the bed, kissing him back, running his hands over Kyle’s body, letting Kyle do those things to him. 
> 
> Jamie hadn’t even hesitated when they’d gotten home, closing the bedroom door and locking it behind them, then grabbing Kyle and pulling him down onto the bed. Somehow, they managed to strip out of their clothes while frantically kissing each other.

On the 20th Jamie goes to watch Kyle play, since the Oil Kings don’t play again for another couple of days.  At the game, Jamie stands up, yelling loudly, when Kyle scores what turns out to be the game winning goal.  Coach St. Croix, sitting a section over, glares at Jamie.  Or so Jamie thinks, which makes him wonder if somehow the coach knows what happened.  No, that’s not possible, he realizes.  Kyle would have told him.

A young girl approaches Jamie after the game, while he is waiting for Kyle who is going to come spend the night again.  She’s got an Oil Kings uniform on, Jamie’s #16 uniform to be exact.  Jamie’s blushes with embarrassment, it’s the first time he’s seen anyone wearing his uniform.  He suddenly feels very nervous.

The girl, maybe eight or nine years old, looks about as nervous as Jamie at the moment.

“Can I have your autograph, please?” she asks shyly, holding a marker out to Jamie.

“Sure.  Want me to sign your sweater?”  He takes the marker, and she turns around.  “What’s your name?”

“Lara.”

Jamie isn’t sure if he should sign in his name or the numbers, he ends up picking the R of his name to sign his signature.  _To Lara, Go Kings!  #16 Jamie Marsh_

“Thanks,” she says when he hands the marker back, “you are really good.  My dad says that I’ll need to keep your autograph safe cause you’ll be in the NHL someday.  So he said he’d buy me a new one to wear.”

“That’s good.  I hope he’s right.”  With that he watches her run back to her waiting family, making sure to show them all the prized autograph.  They wave and say thank you to Jamie.  About then, Kyle finally comes out.

“Hey, I just signed my first autograph!”  Jamie is now beaming at the thought of having been recognized by fans.

“Great, and so it begins, like you need your ego fed anymore.”  Kyles groans and slings his arm around Jamie’s shoulders.  “But since you’re on your way to rich and famous now, you can take me to Horton’s for food to celebrate my game winning goal.”

“Hey,” Jamie feigns being hurt, “shouldn’t you be taking me out to celebrate this momentous event?”

Kyle grins and lowers his voice, “Nah, we’ll celebrate that at your house.”

Jamie blushes.  Yeah.  He can’t wait.

\---

Kyle looks down at Jamie’s face beneath him, Jamie’s lips wet, red and slightly puffy from some pretty great kissing.  Kyle can’t believe this is all still real.  That Jamie is here, on the bed, kissing him back, running his hands over Kyle’s body, letting Kyle do those things to him. 

Jamie hadn’t even hesitated when they’d gotten home, closing the bedroom door and locking it behind them, then grabbing Kyle and pulling him down onto the bed.  Somehow, they managed to strip out of their clothes while frantically kissing each other.

Now Jamie was on his back, one hand on the back of Kyle’s neck, with Kyle laying on top of him.

“Kicks?”  Jamie’s eyes, pupils wide, stare up at Kyle, with a look that Kyle has never seen in anyone’s eyes ever before.  None of the guys he’s fooled around with before ever looked at him like that, and he’s sure he’s never looked at anyone the way he is sure he is looking at Jamie now.

“Yeah, Marshie?”

“You want to celebrate your goal now?”

“I thought we were kinda doing that.”  Kyle is slowly grinding his hips against Jamie.

Jamie slides his hands down to Kyle’s hips, flipping Kyle over on to his back in one easy motion.  Kyle can’t get over how much stronger Jamie seems to have gotten since joining the Oil Kings.  He’s easily put on another ten pounds, all in muscle, and has added another two inches in height the last couple of months.  Kyle wonders for a moment just how tall Jamie is going to end up.  Kyle’s pretty sure he himself is done growing at 5’ 11”.  Jamie’s height and weight advantage allow him to easily pin Kyle down on the bed.

“No.  I mean.  You deserve a really special celly.”  Jamie leans down, pressing his lips to Kyle’s for only a brief moment before moving on to trail kisses along Kyle’s jaw and then down the line of his neck.  Jamie kisses down Kyle’s chest and abdomen as he shifts his body down until his head is finally over Kyle’s swollen dick.  He looks up through his long lashes at Kyle’s stunned expression.

“Marshie, what are you doing?” 

Jamie takes a deep breath and lets it out, then focuses his attention on Kyle’s dick.  Okay, he thinks to himself, I can do this, as he starts a running dialog in his head. 

_Just like in the videos.  First, I’ll just lick the tip with my tongue.  Pull the skin back, yep, there we go.  Maybe I won’t lick it just yet.  Maybe I should stroke him a little first.  Wow, he’s so fucking hard already, and he’s wet already.  Wonder what this is going to taste like?_

_Okay, so what did they do in the videos again, oh my god, I can’t believe I’m doing this.  Hmmm, salty?  Maybe a little, but a little soapy, like the soap Kyle uses, I could taste it on his chest too.  Okay.  So I didn’t make a face, that’s good, so just take the tip in my mouth.  This is okay.  Work it around, like that one guy did.  Keep pulling the skin back, stroke a little.  Wonder if he’s liking this._

_I still think uncut dick’s look funny, oh shit, don’t laugh, he’ll think you’re laughing at him.  Okay.  A little more in my mouth.  Not so bad.  Lick.  Suck. Lick. Suck.  Wonder if I should play with his balls?  Would I like that?  Well hell yeah!  When Cat would, wait, no no no, no thinking about Cat.  This is all about Kyle, need to make sure I do this right for him_.

Jamie is so deep in his own thoughts he almost forgets there is an actual person attached to the dick in his mouth.  That is until Kyle runs his hand through Jamie’s hair and grabs ahold of some of it, giving Jamie’s head a tug.  That breaks Jamie’s concentration enough that he now hears Kyle making low mumbling noises, he makes out the words damn and Marshie and a lot of oh god.

Jamie bobs his head up and down Kyle’s shaft, swirling his tongue around the head every so often before going down again.  One hand is playing with Kyle’s balls, squeezing and pressing them against the base of Kyle’s dick.  Jamie is just holding Kyle steady with his one finger and his thumb, using his mouth instead of his hand to manipulate Kyle’s dick. 

When he slows his pace, Kyle protests and gives Jamie’s hair another tug.  Jamie, however, just holds Kyle in his mouth, sliding his mouth down so his lips are against his fingers.  Jamie takes his hand away and presses down further, feeling Kyle against his throat.  Jamie stops when he gags a little, focusing his breathing through his nose, he pushes his mouth down the last little bit so that his lips press against Kyle’s skin.

“Marshie, I’m gonna,” he feels Kyle’s dick twitch, his body tensing, then he feels the warm liquid against his throat, making him gag again for a minute.  Jamie slides his head up but not off, and lets the cum fill his mouth. 

“Marshie!  Oh my god, Jamie, what the fuck!” Kyle has his head back against the pillow, his body spasming as he cums in Jamie’s mouth.  The two guys who’ve done this to him had both pulled off and Kyle had cum in their hands, and Kyle had never swallowed either when he’d given a guy a blowjob.

Jamie swallowed several times until he was sure Kyle was done.  When he pulled his mouth off finally, he licked and kissed Kyle’s softening dick clean, then Jamie moved up and flopped down next to Kyle who was still breathing fast.

“Holy shit, how?  When did you learn to do that?  Are you sure you’ve never sucked a guy before, Marshie?”

“You’re the first Kicks.  I’m a fast learner.”  He almost adds ‘according to Cat’ but stops himself, knowing that would bother Kyle.

“I’ll say.  Wow.”

Jamie rolls over on his side so he can look at Kyle.  “Told you I’d be better at this than you.”

“You fucking competitive bastard, we’ll see about that.”  Kyle isn’t about to let Jamie win just yet. 

Kyle thinks he actually hears Jamie snicker as Kyle wraps his lips around Jamie’s dick.

“And you call me competitive, yeah right, Kicks.”


	11. The Third First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you been watching more videos,” Kyle glances sideways at Jamie. “I have. I think tonight I give you some competition in the blowjob department.”
> 
> Jamie laughs as he walks to his dresser while Kyle flops back down to the bed. Kyle watches as Jamie retrieves a bag out of his dresser drawer, tossing it at Kyle.
> 
> “I want to try something else tonight,” Jamie says, grabbing his laptop, before climbing back onto the bed next to Kyle, who has pulled out the contents of the bag. Kyle is staring blankly at the bottle of lube and pack of condoms now laying on the bed in front of him.
> 
> “What exactly do you think we are going to do?”

The Oil Kings lose their next game, the last before a long break for the U.S. Thanksgiving holiday.  Jamie and Kyle spend most of the break together, hanging out at Jamie’s, but also spending time in the barn shooting pucks and working out.  They have to be careful there, that no one sees them, but at Jamie’s they can be more open.  Bill and Jean, while maybe not overly excited about the relationship, are at least supportive of the boys.

As the boys head to Jamie’s room one night after dinner, Jean sees a troubled look on Bill’s face as he watches them trot down the hallway.

“He’s happy.  That’s all that matters.” She says, laying her hand on his as it rests on the table, giving a light squeeze.

“I know, but, his hockey.” 

“His hockey is fine.  He’s on the top line and he’s playing every game.”  Jean knows her husband doesn’t mean Jamie’s hockey with the Oil Kings.  “And don’t worry.  He’s 16, he has a long time yet to figure things out about who he is and how he wants to live his life.  Right now, he’s happy with Kyle, so I am not going to worry about his future, yet.”

“All right,” he pats her hand, “he is happy, so we’ll let it go for now.”

\---

After the break, the Oil Kings go on a nine game win streak, and Jamie goes on a scoring frenzy, racking up nine goals and six assists over that stretch.  Jamie is suddenly in the mix for the points leader on the team, third behind Henrik Samuelsson and Curtis Lazar.  In their last game before the Christmas break, Jamie gets an assist, but the Oil Kings fall to Victoria 3-5 and the win streak comes to an end. 

After the game, all Jamie can think about is that Kyle will be back from an away game tomorrow, so that he can come over and spend the night.  With Jamie’s tight schedule of games and travel, and Kyle’s game schedule picking up, they haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time together since the last holiday break.  During that time, Jamie has been watching videos, and he thinks he’s ready to up his game with Kyle.

\---

Jamie can’t sit still during dinner, even though it’s his mom’s pot roast, one of his favorite meals, he hardly eats anything.  When his dad finally says that the boys can be excused from the table, they clear their plates and head to Jamie’s room.  Jamie pushes Kyle through the door, locking it behind them.  Kyle goes and sits down on the bed.

“So, you want to play Grand Theft Auto tonight?”  Kyle asks, then lets out a loud ‘oof’ as Jamie tackles him down to the bed.

“It’s been two weeks,” Jamie whines into Kyle’s ear as he plasters him with kisses, “and you want to play fucking video games.”

“Okay, I guess not,” Kyle lets Jamie cover his mouth in a long kiss.

They lay there like that for a while, just kissing, until Jamie finally pulls away to climb off the bed and start shedding his clothes.  Kyle follows suit. 

“So, you been watching more videos,” Kyle glances sideways at Jamie.  “I have.  I think tonight I give you some competition in the blowjob department.”

Jamie laughs as he walks to his dresser while Kyle flops back down to the bed.  Kyle watches as Jamie retrieves a bag out of his dresser drawer, tossing it at Kyle.

“I want to try something else tonight,” Jamie says, grabbing his laptop, before climbing back onto the bed next to Kyle, who has pulled out the contents of the bag.  Kyle is staring blankly at the bottle of lube and pack of condoms now laying on the bed in front of him.

“What exactly do you think we are going to do?”

Jamie opens his laptop, turning it on and logging in once it has warmed-up.  He types in pornhub and then makes a couple of clicks to find the video he wants.  He clicks on it and when it starts to play he turns the screen to Kyle.

“I want to do this.  I want you to do this to me.”

Jamie sat there, straight-faced and serious, while Kyle stared at the video, mouth gaping open and blushing twenty shades of red.  Kyle blinks every so often and raises his eyes to look at Jamie, then turns his attention back to the video. 

Watching porn together isn’t something new for them, they did it a few times during the last holiday break, then again while they Skyped when Jamie was on the road, if he could convince Lodario to go find someone to hang with for a while.  The only videos they watched were blowjobs, though, not anything like this.  For christ’s sake, Kyle thought, they hadn’t even talked about doing this. 

And yet here was Jamie, still looking cold stone sober, but now practically shaking out of his skin the farther into the video Kyle got.  Kyle had watched video of guys fucking before, by himself, while imagining that he was doing it with Jamie, but he had no idea Jamie had ever watched this.

“Are you sure about this?”

Jamie nodded.  Well, leave it to the one who always has to win to bring it up first, Kyle thinks to himself.  He’s a little surprised that Jamie wants to be the one to take it instead of the other way around, but hey, that’s okay with Kyle.  Not that he hasn’t thought more than once about Jamie fucking him while he’d watched those videos.

Jamie sets the laptop down on the floor before lying back on the bed.  Kyle scoots over and lays down on his side next to Jamie, putting the lube and condoms in easy reach. 

“So, um, how do you want to do this?”  Kyle’s mouth is dry he’s so nervous.

“I thought maybe if I was up on my knees, like the video.  We could try that.”  Jamie lifts his head to Kyle, just pressing his lips to the older boys for a brief minute. “Can we?”

All Kyle can do at the moment is give a weak, yeah, before Jamie is up and on his hands and knees, ass wiggling with anticipation.

Kyle gets up and goes to kneel behind Jamie, he has to admire that at 16 Jamie already has one of the best hockey asses he’s seen, large, muscular and firm.  He lets his hands cup each cheek, squeezing.  Jamie pushes back against his hands, which brings Kyle back to reality.  He picks up the bottle of lube and squeezes some out onto his fingers.  He’s done this to himself, he knows it’s going to feel good, or at least he hopes Jamie is going to think this feels good.  His hand is shaking.

“What the fuck are you doing, come on,” Jamie looks over his shoulder. 

Yeah, just like he always was at practice, demanding and impatient, Kyle thinks, as he uses one hand to spread Jamie’s cheeks open, letting his lubed finger run over the pink skin.  Come on, he thinks, just do it, as he pushes just the tip of his finger in past the clenched muscles.  He stops when Jamie swears.

“You have to try and relax, Marshie, or it’s gonna hurt, I think.” 

Kyle waits for Jamie to nod and take a couple of deep breaths, when he feels him relax a little Kyle pushes in again.  His finger slides in easier this time, and Jamie seems okay, so Kyle starts working it in and out of Jamie’s ass.  After just a few times, Jamie pushes his hips back to meet Kyle’s finger as it presses in so Kyle wiggles it a little, which ellicites a low moan from Jamie.

“Kicks, can you, can you do more?”  Jamie drops his head, letting it hang down between his arms.  “Please.”

Kyle lets a second finger slide into Jamie, and gets an ‘oh god’ in response, as he slowly works them in and out.  Kyle’s read enough to know that if he hits just the right spot, against Jamie’s prostrate, it will be incredible for him, the problem Kyle has is that he doesn’t know how deep or where exactly to press or rub to do that.  So he slides his fingers in deep, past the second knuckle, and wiggles them.  Jamie’s hips buck and his breath hitches.

“What the fuck!” Jamie pants.  Kyle curls his finger again and Jamie’s body shudders as he cums.  “Jesus Christ, Kicks, what the hell did you do?”

“I, uh, I think I found your sweet spot, eh?”  Kyle sits back, taking his fingers out, his own dick is hard and now that Jamie’s cum, he reaches a hand down to stroke himself.  “Um, do you want to just jerk me off, now?”

“What?”  Jamie looks over his shoulder again.  “No.  You aren’t done doing that just cause I already blew my jizz, I want you to do it all, like in the video, Kicks.  Please.  Just keep going.”

Kyle smiles and sits back up, “You know, if I can get you to cum twice, that would make me the best at this, right?”

“If you can do that, you’ll be the best, fucker.  So come on, show me just how good you think you are.”

Kyle slowly slides his fingers back in, working them around Jamie’s ass, spreading the muscles.  When he thinks Jamie is ready, he opens a condom and rolls it down over his dick.  With one hand he holds Jamie open and with the other he lines the head of his dick up to Jamie’s wet opening.  Kyle rocks his hips forward slowly, slipping the tip in past the rim.  The tightness around his dick almost makes him cum right then, so he pauses, trying to make himself focus.

“You okay, Marshie?”

He gets a groan in response as Jamie drops his upper body down so that he is resting on his shoulders and chest.  Jamie mumbles something into the pillow he is now clenching tightly.

“Marshie?”

Jamie lifts his head, “I said yes, asshole!  Just fuck me already!”

Kyle pushes himself in until almost all of his dick is deep in Jamie’s ass, then he holds Jamie’s hips with both hands and starts to gently pump himself in and out. 

“Jesus, Marshie, this is so fucking tight around my dick.  Fuck.”

Jamie moans, his breathing fast and shallow to the point Kyle worries again that he is hurting him.  That is until Jamie wraps his heals into the back of Kyle’s thighs and lifts his head.

“Come on, Kicks, like in the video.  Fuck me, like that.”

Kyle almost laughs. Yeah, there is no doing things half-assed with Jamie, it is always all or nothing once he sets his mind to something.  Kyle starts rocking faster, Jamie pulling him in with his heels now against Kyle’s ass, urging him deeper and faster.  Kyle fucks in as hard and fast as he can, now hearing a slew of swear words coming from Jamie.  Kyle watches Jamie reach his hand underneath him, knowing that Jamie’s dick is hard again, because of the movement of Jamie’s hand and arm as he jerks himself off.

“Come on, Marshie, who’s the best at this,” he taunts, “that’s right, tell me, who’s the best.”

“Fuck, fuck, god-damn Kicks,” Jamie is breathing hard, “so fucking close again.  Fuck you.”

Kyle feels Jamie shudder, then his body tense as another orgasm rushes over him.  Jamie’s ass clenches around Kyle and that’s it, he thrusts in hard twice and cums.  Kyle thrusts a few more times, until he is spent, then pulls out, taking the condom off and tossing it on the floor.  Both boys collapse on the bed.

Jamie turns his head to look at Kyle, “Oh my god, Kicks, you win, you fucking win.”

Kyle snorts as he laughs, “So, I suppose I’ll have to give you a chance to out-do me at this, too.”

“Damn right, you will.”


	12. The Fourth First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill and Jean want to take Jamie on vacation after the tournament, to celebrate his season and winning the championships, they decide to just stay east and take Jamie over to see Niagra Falls, inviting Kyle to join them.  The boys are laying in their hotel room a couple of nights later, watching a movie on TV, tired from a day of sightseeing that was topped off by a big dinner at one of the better restaurants on the U.S. side.  
> 
> Kyle is sitting with his back against the headboard, Jamie's head in his lap with his body pressed against Kyle and Kyle running his fingers through Jamie's hair. They took a shower together when they got in and are wearing just their pajama bottoms. 
> 
> "So, all rested from your championship season, Mr. Memorial Cup winner?"
> 
> Jamie yawns and stretches, "From the season, yeah, but from today, no.  Aren't you tired?"
> 
> "Well, a little, but I am thinking that you still haven't gotten a chance to reclaim your other title since you lost it in December."

As January starts, the boys don’t get to spend as much time together because Jamie’s game schedule picks up.  Mid-January the Oil Kings go on another win streak, taking 11 straight between January 17th and February 8th, with Jamie scoring 16 points over that stretch.  He’s moved up to second on the team in goals scored and first in assists, with two months left to play.  There is a lot of talk about the Oil Kings getting in to the playoffs, and maybe even winning it all.

February rolls into March and the Oil Kings and Jamie are still on fire.  There are 10 games left in the regular season and six of them are on the road.  Jamie and Kyle Skype and talk on the phone as much as possible, but they haven’t really had a chance for anything else.

The next to the last home game, on the 11th, is team poster night and the boys will be signing autographs after the game.  Luckily they win the game, so sitting around after the game as people file past with posters and other things to sign isn’t such a hard burden.  Kyle doesn’t have a game, so he stands in line with a few hundred other fans to get his poster signed.

When he gets to Jamie, he makes a smart remark about getting the future NHL stars autograph.  Evan, sitting next to Jamie, coughs and makes a remark about that’s not all Kyle gets from Jamie.  Jamie elbows him, then to draw attention away from his and Kyle’s embarrassment he looks past Lodario at Tristen Jarry, their starting goalie, “Jars is gonna be the star, drafted by the Pens last year.  Won’t be long before he’s got Fleury’s job.”  That brings some laughs and good natured ribbing from everyone in line.

Once he gets to the end, Kyle goes and stands with his dad and the other coaches.  He’s watching Jamie pretty intently, his father notices, but he doesn’t say anything.

Jamie is scribbling his signature on a jersey when a girl standing in line giggles loud enough to draw his attention, he looks up to see her whispering to her friend.  When they get to Jamie, the girl slides her poster down and lays a piece of paper on top of it.  Jamie looks at it confused.

“I saw you out at Tim Horton’s last week and I wanted to say something to you then,” she’s cute he notices, dark hair, pretty green eyes, not very tall, not slender, but with an athletic type build, probably a cheerleader he thinks, since he cyber schools because of hockey he doesn’t know many kids his age outside of hockey anymore, and he thinks she’s a little older than him.

“You should have,” he smiles and gives her a wink, what the hell, nothing wrong with a little flirting.

“That’s my phone number,” she says as he slides her poster over to Evan, who just groans. 

“Jesus, Marsh, you get hit on by guys and girls,” Evan whispers into Jamie’s ear after the girls move down the line.

Kyle watches Jamie slip the note the girl gave him into his pocket.  Kyle knows who she is, she’s the sister of one of his teammates, who always hangs out around Kyle’s team at practices and games.  He’s pretty sure she’s slept with at least half of them.  Kyle’s face flushes and his eyes narrow on her, showing way too much jealousy and possessiveness than his father can accept. 

He feels the hand come down on his shoulder, “You need to go wait in the car.”

“But, I was going to go to Jamie’s tonight,” Kyle protests.

“I’ll tell him you aren’t feeling well, now get your ass to the car, I’ll be out soon,” the elder St. Croix squeezes down on Kyle’s shoulder, causing him to wince.

“Yes, sir.”  Kyle slips out without Jamie even noticing.

Two days later, Jamie has a two-day break between away games, so Kyle comes over.  When Kyle takes his shirt off, Jamie sees the bruises on his back.  Jamie puts his hand on Kyle’s shoulder and turns him around, Kyle keeps his head down, unable to look at Jamie.

“He fucking did that, didn’t he,” Jamie tries not to let his anger come out, knowing that it just upsets Kyle more.

“It’s okay.  He was just, I did something stupid the other night,” Kyle turns back around.

“Nothing you could have done gives him the right to do that, Kicks,” Jamie pulls Kyle against him, resting his head on Kyle’s shoulder.  “We need to tell somebody, my folks, or somebody.”

Kyle shakes his head, “No.  Nobody can know Jamie.  Promise me.  You won’t tell anyone.”

Jamie promises, even though he wishes that Kyle would just stand up to his dad.  Jamie is certain that whatever Kyle did this time to get a beating had to do with Kyle being gay, probably had to do with Kyle spending so much time with Jamie.  Luc St. Croix was 6’ 6” tall and had Jamie by almost 40 pounds, but at that moment Jamie swears to himself that someday he’ll stand up to Kyle’s dad, he’ll hit him back for Kyle, because Kyle can’t.

\---

The Oil King’s season ends with a loss, but they have made the playoffs as the top team in the Eastern Conference, and Jamie finishes the regular season leading in goals and assists. 

In the conference quarterfinals, Edmonton sweeps Prince Albert in four games, then takes Brandon in five games in the semifinals and Medicine Hat in five to win the conference.  The WHL Championship is, however, a much harder fought series, with Edmonton finally winning in seven games against the Portland Winterhawks.

Winning the Chynoweth Cup means that the Oil Kings get to travel to London, Ontario to participate in the 2014 Memorial Cup tournament, to determine the champion of the Canadian Hockey League.  The Oil Kings lose to the Guelph Storm, the OHL champions, and the Val-d’Or Foreurs, the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League champions, but beat the London Knights, the host team, to get into the semifinals.

The game between the Val-d’Or Foreurs and Oil Kings, to determine who would play Guelph in the final, was the hardest and longest game Jamie ever played.  The game was tied after one, then Edmonton came out and scored twice in the second period.  Jamie thought they had the game won until the Val-d’Or Foreurs scored with just 36 seconds left in the third period.

The game went scoreless through the first overtime, Jamie and Lazar both had scoring opportunities on power plays, but nothing found the net.  The second overtime was hard fought, Jamie, Lazar, and Samuelsson were all on the ice for over ten minutes of the period.  When they got to the locker room Jamie collapsed into his stall, never feeling as exhausted as he did at that moment.

“Please, Jars, let them win if we get past 15 minutes in the next period,” he heard one of the other players say. 

Jamie was on his feet in a heartbeat, “Fuck that!  I’m not busting my ass to just give it to them.  Anybody who doesn’t feel they can go out and give another 20 minutes might as well get changed now, we don’t need you anyway.”

Thankfully, it wouldn’t come to that.  Just under three minutes into the third overtime, Jamie intercepted a pass in the Oil Kings defensive zone, he broke for the other end, Lazar coming fast up the center.  Jamie slipped around the d-man in front of him, faked the shot, and sent a perfect pass to Lazar who wristed it into the net.

Two days later, Edmonton beat the Storm 6-3 to win the Memorial Cup.  Jamie had two goals and an assist.  Sitting in the stands cheering him on as he celebrated with his teammates were his mom, dad, and Kyle.  Also sitting in the stands were NHL scouts from several teams, who were impressed with the skill the 16-year-old showed during the tournament.

\---

Bill and Jean want to take Jamie on vacation after the tournament, to celebrate his season and winning the championships, they decide to just stay east and take Jamie over to see Niagra Falls, inviting Kyle to join them.  The boys are laying in their hotel room a couple of nights later, watching a movie on TV, tired from a day of sightseeing that was topped off by a big dinner at one of the better restaurants on the U.S. side.  

Kyle is sitting with his back against the headboard, Jamie's head in his lap with his body pressed against Kyle and Kyle running his fingers through Jamie's hair. They took a shower together when they got in and are wearing just their pajama bottoms. 

"So, all rested from your championship season, Mr. Memorial Cup winner?"

Jamie yawns and stretches, "From the season, yeah, but from today, no.  Aren't you tired?"

"Well, a little, but I am thinking that you still haven't gotten a chance to reclaim your other title since you lost it in December."

"Oh shit!"  Jamie sits up.  "I had started to think you weren't interested in doing that again, since you hadn't brought it up.  Hell yeah, I'm for that."

Kyle shoves him and then starts stripping out of his clothes, "Well, you gonna get naked or what?"

Jamie jumps off the bed, stripping out of this clothes before rifling through his suitcase for the bottle of lube and condoms he'd brought, just in case Kyle wanted to fuck again.

"You know I am expecting a lot out of you," Kyle smirks, "I mean, you got off twice and all.  What makes you think you are going to top that?"

"Just roll over on your back and you'll see," Jamie smacks Kyle on the ass.

Kyle lies down and Jamie stretches out on top of him, kissing him a few times before working his way down Kyle's chest and abdomen. Jamie starts licking up and down the shaft of Kyle's hardening dick, letting his hands cup Kyle's balls. It's not like Kyle isn't enjoying this, but this isn't what he had in mind for tonight.

"Is this what I get? You afraid, Champ?"

Jamie looks up through his lashes, winks, and then continues sucking on Kyle's dick. After a few minutes he moves down to lick and suck on Kyle's balls, settling in between Kyle's legs and hooking his arms under Kyle's thighs. With a little pressure, he gets Kyle to bend his legs up, spreading his ass in front of Jamie, while Jamie rubs his face against Kyle's balls. Kyle expects Jamie to sit up then, or reach for the lube and condoms, or to move back up over top of him. What he doesn't expect is what Jamie does next.

Jamie lets his tongue run up and down Kyle's balls, then slowly down the sensitive area between there and Kyle's ass, he runs his tongue past the opening, down one side of Kyle's ass cheek and then back up the other, before licking carefully over the small, tight opening. Jamie hears Kyle's breath hitch sharply as he places his mouth over the opening and starts licking at it in earnest.

"Marshie! Holy fuck, Marshie! Where did? What the fucking, hell?" Kyle's hips are quivering at the sensations spreading through him, and he reaches down to grab a handful of Jamie's hair. "Marshie, you need to..."

Jamie pushes his tongue in and Kyle jerks his hips, his hand tugging at Jamie's hair, but Jamie ignores him and keeps darting his tongue in against the tight rim. When he finally lifts his head a little, he sees that Kyle's hole is wet and slick from Jamie's mouth, he only takes a short break before bringing his mouth back down to lick at the hole again, this time bringing his hand around so he can slip a finger in next to his tongue. 

"Fuck," Kyle moans, pushing his head back against the pillow and trying to push his ass onto Jamie's finger. Kyle can't think, he can't breathe, he can't move, all he can do is lay there as Jamie fucks him slowly with his tongue and finger.

After what seems like an eternity to Kyle, and yet not long enough, Jamie sits up and reaches for a condom and the lube. He slips the condom on, pours some lube in his hand and gives his dick a few strokes before scooting up closer to Kyle's hips. Kyle still has his legs pulled up, spreading himself wide for Jamie, who shifts his own hips to line himself up with Kyle's opening. Slowly Jamie sinks himself in, inch by inch, until his balls press against Kyle's ass, then he starts to grind his hips slowly, while watching Kyle's reaction. Kyle's breath is coming in short, quick gasps, his hands clenching the bedspread beneath him, his eyes closed and his head back.

Jamie leans forward, letting his elbows rest on either side of Kyle's head as he starts to rock his hips in and out, thrusting in slowly and deeply each time. Jamie's mouth comes down to cover Kyle's and he pushes in with his tongue until Kyle responds and starts kissing him back. Jamie rocks his hips faster, the tightness around him driving him to the brink faster than anytime he'd fucked Cat. This new sensation overwhelming him and Kyle, as they both pull away from the kiss. Kyle reaches for his own dick and two quick strokes later he is shooting warm cum across his stomach and Jamie's, too. When Kyle cums, his body tightens and the way his ass clenches down on Jamie's dick is too much and Jamie cums, thrusting a few hard times into Kyle, fucking him through both their orgasms.

Jamie drops his weight down on to Kyle, who wraps his arms around Jamie, pulling him as tight as he can, Jamie's dick still inside Kyle. Jamie's head is next to Kyle's, he's breathing heavily into the pillow.

"Well?" He gasps, "So, who's the Champ?"

"Fuck you, Marshie. I hate you and your god-damn, always have to one-up me shit."

"No you don't, you love it, Kicks. And you love me."

"Yeah, yeah I do," Kyle kisses Jamie's cheek. "I love you, Marshie. Always and forever."

"I love you, Kicks. Always and forever."


	13. You Were Always The One I Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think you’re wrong. I think, deep down, I’ve always loved you.”
> 
> “What?” Kyle looks up, his eyes meeting Jamie’s.
> 
> “I mean that I’ve thought about it. About Cat. About you and me. I’ve thought about it really hard for a long time now, and I think that I wanted Cat, to be with Cat, because she was so like you.”

“Did you just put pepper on your watermelon?  Ew, gross Marshie.”

“It’s good, you should try it.”  Jamie leans over towards Kyle, trying to shake pepper onto Kyle’s slice of watermelon.

“Stop it, asshole,” Kyle pulls back, “come on, pick another video.”

It is early July and they are sitting on the floor in Jamie’s room, eating and watching videos on pornhub.  In the past few weeks, this has become their thing, watch porn, find something they both want to try and then, try it.  Jamie clicks on another video, so far today they haven’t found anything that they can both agree on.  Jamie is almost to the point where he is just ready to agree to blowjobs.

They watch the first little bit of the video of a guy jerking himself off, as he gets hard they can see the guy has a really long dick.  Really long.  So long that after a minute or two, the guy sits up and bends over and Jamie almost chokes on the piece of watermelon in his mouth.

“Kicks, holy shit!” Jamie says between coughs.

“I know.  I don’t think I could do that,” Kyle has his head cocked to the side.

They watch more of the video, it’s like a train wreck, you just have to look.  At one point the guy is on his back with his hips rolled up and his legs stretched over his head, working his own dick in his mouth with his finger in his own ass.  The boys sit and watch, dumbstruck.

“Ya know, Kicks, maybe a goalie could do that.  I mean, they’re usually really flexible and I’ve seen Jars do yoga to get loose, that looks like a position I’ve seen him do.  I tried it, to stretch, and couldn’t get my feet over my head hardly.  Of course, I was in all my gear.”

“You should take up yoga, Marshie.  Really.”  Kyle pulls his eyes off the video to look at Jamie, who he discovers has his hand in his shorts stroking himself slowly.  “I think you should try this.”

“Kicks, I don’t think I bend that way, weren’t you listening.”

Kyle sits up on his knees next to Jamie.  “Lay back on the floor and take your shorts off.”

Jamie does as Kyle says, complaining the whole time that this is a bad idea, but Kyle assures Jamie that it will be cool, that he’ll help Jamie get his ass over his head.  Yeah, Jamie thinks, this is a bad idea.

Kyle pushes against Jamie’s ass when Jamie brings his legs up over his body, practically pushing Jamie in half.  When he reaches down and grabs Jamie’s dick, giving it a pull to help Jamie get it to his mouth, he explains later, Jamie yelps in pain.  It fucking hurts, because Kyle pulls just a bit too hard. 

Jamie throws his arms out and his right forearm hits the edge of his desk, which, shit, shouldn’t hurt as bad as it does.  With pain now shooting up his arm, Jamie tries to bring his legs back down, in the process he knocks Kyle off balance and as Kyle is falling back, Jamie kicks him right in the face.

And that is how Jamie ends up with a broken arm and Kyle ends up with a black eye.

\---

“I’m sorry,” Kyle bends over and dunks the sponge in the bucket of soapy water before bringing it back up to the hood of Jamie’s SUV, “how many times do I have to say it.”

“I don’t know, how long am I going to have this fucking cast on my arm?”  Jamie sprays Kyle with the hose he’s holding with his good arm, causing Kyle to swear at him.  “I told you I couldn’t do that, that it was a bad idea.  So just keep washing and oh, what was that you needed to tell me?  Again!”

“I’m fucking sorry!  Come on, quit spraying me already.”

Jamie shoots another burst of water at him, “Nope.  Not gonna happen.”

“You fucker!” Kyle drops the sponge and rushes at Jamie, who sprays him with water until Kyle gets the hose and turns it on Jamie.

“You get my cast wet, my dad is gonna kill you,” Jamie squeals, turns tail and runs, as Kyle drops the hose and chases after him.

They are at Kyle’s house, outside the barn, Jamie races for the side door to try and get away.  Jamie can’t get it open before Kyle has him, spinning him around and pushing up against the door.  They stand there, both breathing hard, faces just inches apart, until Kyle presses in to kiss Jamie, who responds by wrapping his arms around Kyle’s shoulders.

Kyle pulls away suddenly when he hears a car door slam, he turns and looks to see his dad walking towards the house.

“Fuck, he’s home early,” Jamie whispers.

“I hope he didn’t see us,” Kyle turns and walks back to the SUV, picking up the sponge and going back to washing the vehicle.

\---

Jamie doesn’t talk to Kyle for two days.  No phone calls.  No text.  Nothing.  He’s starting to get really worried something is wrong, he knows what Kyle’s dad is like, and if he saw them there is no telling how he reacted.  That’s why he’s relieved when his phone finally chimes with a text.

Kicks:  _Grounded.  Mom finally gave me phone just to text you that I’m okay.  Love you.  See you in a few days._

Jamie texts back, but doesn’t get an answer. 

When they finally get to see each other again, the bruises are faded, but Jamie can still see them.

\---

A week before Jamie’s birthday they are lying on Jamie’s bed, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled together, softly kissing, relaxed and enjoying the comfort of just being together.  Jamie doesn’t know how long they lay there before Kyle pulls away.  Kyle studies Jamie’s face for a few seconds.

“Are you sure you’re okay with it,” Kyle reaches up, gently brushing Jamie’s cheek.

“I can’t believe she did it, but yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”  Jamie moves to kiss Kyle again, but the older boy pulls back.

“I just,” he lowers his eyes, unable to look at Jamie’s face, “I know you loved her, you love her.”

Cat was married.  She eloped in July with one of her coaches, but never told her parents until two days ago. 

“I love you.”

“But you loved her first, for a long time.  I know you did.”  Kyle’s voice is shaky.  “You’re just with me because you couldn’t be with her.”

“Why would you say that?  Is that what you think?”

Kyle nodded weakly.

“I think you’re wrong.  I think, deep down, I’ve always loved you.”

“What?”  Kyle looks up, his eyes meeting Jamie’s.

“I mean that I’ve thought about it.  About Cat.  About you and me.  I’ve thought about it really hard for a long time now, and I think that I wanted Cat, to be with Cat, because she was so like you.”

Kyle blinks, confusion written on his face.  Jamie leans in and kisses him, then pulls back.  His eyes warm and full of love.

“I think I’ve always loved you, Kicks, it just took me being with Cat to realize it.”

“Really?”

“Really, Kicks.  I think I just didn’t want to admit it, admit that I was gay, too.” 

With that simple admission to Kyle, Jamie felt like a weight that had been crushing him for all the months he’d been with Kyle was lifted off his chest.


	14. Birthday Sex is The Best Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best part of Jamie’s birthday is that Kyle is there instead of at his grandparents, somehow managing to have gotten out of having to go for his annual visit.
> 
> The second best part is that their parents had agreed to let the boys go camping at the Marsh’s cabin for a week, alone. Kyle said his father had been reluctant, but his mom had won out.

For Jamie’s seventeenth birthday on August 1st, Bill and Jean take the boys out to dinner and then to a movie.  Jamie and Kyle sit way in the back of the theater, away from the scattering of people, so they can hold hands the whole time.  The movie is okay, not great.  At one point, Jamie pretends to drop something and then bends over to ‘find it’ after a minute, Kyle bends over, too.

“What did you lose?”

Jamie turns his head and leans over to kiss Kyle.  “Nothing.  I just wanted to do that so I had to find a way for nobody to see,” he whispers.  They kiss a few more times before sitting back up.

The best part of Jamie’s birthday is that Kyle is there instead of at his grandparents, somehow managing to have gotten out of having to go for his annual visit.

The second best part is that their parents had agreed to let the boys go camping at the Marsh’s cabin for a week, alone.  Kyle said his father had been reluctant, but his mom had won out. 

The cabin is not quite a two-hour drive northeast of Edmonton, nestled on a lake just outside of Smoky Lake.  The day after Jamie’s birthday, Bill and Jean help the boys pack Jamie’s SUV with everything they think they will need.  Bill gives them money for gas, extra food, and any emergencies that might come up.  They hug and kiss Bill and Jean then head out, making a quick stop to say good-bye to Kyle’s parents on the way.

Jamie has been to the cabin many times in the past, spending summer weekends there ever since he came to live with Bill and Jean.  Kyle has been along on many of those trips, yet this trip somehow feels different, this time it is just the two of them.

When Jamie turns down the dirt lane to the cabin, Kyle reaches over and lays his hand on Jamie’s leg.

“I’m still amazed at how beautiful it is up here.  I’m glad our folks let us do this.  Gonna be a great week, Marshie.”

“Best birthday ever.”

When they get there, they spend some time opening windows to air the cabin out, then Jamie checks the generator and starts it so they have running water and electricity, the propane tank that supplies the needed fuel is still almost full, since they haven’t been up much this summer.

The boys make up one of the beds and put their food away.  Kyle rummages around in one of his bags, grabs a couple of things and goes over and jumps on the bed.  Jamie gives him a knowing look, races over to the bed and throws himself on top of Kyle.

“So, do I get my birthday present finally,” he brushes kisses over Kyle’s cheeks and neck.

“Your choice.  Is it better to give or receive for your birthday,” Kyle reaches up and takes Jamie’s face in his hands, holding him still so he can claim Jamie’s mouth in a long, slow, tender kiss. 

“I think I already know,” he says when he lets Jamie breathe again.

“Oh hell, yeah you do!”  Jamie jumps up, “but I have an idea.”

“The last time one of us had an idea, you ended up with a broken arm.”  Kyle laughs, starting to strip out of his t-shirt.

“That was your idea, which was a bad idea.  My idea is a good idea, and this is my birthday present, so you have to say yes.”  Jamie strips out of his clothes, but instead of getting back in bed, he picks up a blanket they had laid at the food of the bed and starts to walk outside.

Kyle, now also naked, scrambles after him.

“There is nobody for miles,” Jamie declares rather matter-of-factly as he walks down the steps off the porch and towards the lake.  “So for my birthday, I want fucked outside, in the sunshine, by the lake.”

Kyle falls in behind him, “That is a good idea, Marshie.”

When they get to the area that has been cleared to serve as a beach, Jamie spreads the blanket out and lays down on his back, his knees pulled up and spread.  Kyle kneels down between Jamie’s legs, setting the lube and condom down before leaning over Jamie.

“So, I guessed right about you wanting to receive, huh.  I think you like this best.”  His mouth comes down to cover Jamie’s.  Kyle lets his tongue slip into Jamie’s mouth, exploring, teasing, pulling and sucking at Jamie’s lower lip.  When Jamie tries to run his arms around Kyle, Kyle grabs them and pins them above Jamie’s head, letting his body and weight press Jamie to the ground. 

Jamie moans into Kyle’s mouth and tries to grind his hips against Kyle.  Kyle pulls his mouth away, just enough to let Jamie talk, but keeps brushing their lips together.

“Yeah, I like that.  Want you to fuck me, Kicks.  Please.”  Jamie arches his hips up and Kyle is surprised how easily Jamie lifts both of them off the ground.  Damn, he’s gotten to be one strong fucker.

Kyle lets go of Jamie’s arms, tells him to stay like that, and shifts back on his knees again.  He grabs the lube and squeezes some out onto his fingers.  Jamie’s knees are pulled up, spreading his ass open to Kyle, his dick is hard, leaking precum already.  Kyle bends and gives it a quick lick, feeling it twitch at the touch of his tongue. 

Kyle’s presses his lubed fingers against Jamie’s ass, pushing in without any warning, his other hand grasping Jamie’s dick.  Jamie squirms beneath him and gives a ‘fuck, kicks’ while wiggling his ass against Kyle’s fingers.   They’ve done this a few times now and Kyle knows that Jamie likes this, Kyle just going to town and fucking him with his fingers, not going slow and loosening him up at all.  So Kyle doesn’t hesitate to slide a second and then third finger in and start pumping them in and out, while his other hand slowly strokes Jamie’s dick.

“Fuck yeah, oh god, Kicks.  That’s it.”  Jamie has his head turned to the side, face pressed against his arm which is still stretched over head.  Jamie is rocking his hips against Kyle’s hand.

Kyle shifts his focus between watching Jamie’s face and watching his fingers fuck into Jamie.  Jamie is shameless when it comes to sex Kyle has discovered.  It’s not like Kyle doesn’t like sex, he does, but Jamie really likes sex.

Other than the disaster with the try at self-sucking, Jamie has been up for trying and doing anything.  It was a little intimidating to Kyle at first, trying to keep up and out-do Jamie’s competitiveness.  He had doubted that Jamie really liked some of the shit that they did, but then he realized that no, Jamie was a freak when it came to sex, usually liking to receive stuff and when taking it, really taking it hard and rough.

“Come on, Kicks.”  Jamie moaned.  Kyle jammed his fingers in as hard as he could, watching Jamie’s breath catch when he pushed them in and held them, curling his finger to hit just the right spot.  Jamie’s whole body jerked and his head shot up, his eyes clenched tight.  “Oh fuck, how do you do that so easy.”

That was definitely the one thing that Kyle was better at in their competition, he could repeatedly find Jamie’s prostrate with ease, while Jamie could never find Kyle’s without a few tries.  Kyle rubbed over the spot again, causing Jamie to throw his head back. 

“Fuck.  Come on, fuck me already.”

Kyle gave one more rub before withdrawing his fingers and reaching for the condom.  Jamie’s hand came down and covered his, though.  Kyle looked up to find Jamie staring down at him, pupils wide and looking wrecked already.

“Can we?  Without it?”

“Are you sure?”  Kyle asks, debating in his own mind about it.  They are the only ones that they’ve ever done this with, so they shouldn’t have to worry.

“Please.  I want to do it without.  It’ll be okay won’t it.”  Jamie’s eyes are so pleading, Kyle can’t take it, so he leaves the condom lay there and instead picks up the bottle of lube.  Jamie lays his head back and reaches down, wrapping his hand around his dick.

Kyle pours some lube on his dick and shifts a little closer, lining himself up with Jamie’s opening, his hands holding Jamie’s hips.  He rocks his hips forward and drives into Jamie all in one thrust.  The sensation of skin on skin, of thrusting into Jamie without the feel of anything between them almost overwhelms Kyle and he has to stop a minute to focus.

“Kicks!  Fuck me, come on!”  Jamie grinds his hips around Kyle, now jerking himself off faster as well.

Kyle starts fucking in and out, thrusting hard each time, driving his entire length into Jamie again and again.  Jamie is trying to arch his hips, trying to fuck up to meet Kyle’s thrusts.  Kyle is still trying to deal with the way Jamie’s tight ass feels against him, so he pushes Jamie’s hips down, holding him still. 

Kyle is breathing heavy, his hips rocking hard and fast into Jamie, his balls slapping against Jamie’s ass. 

“Come… on… Kicks… almost…”  Jamie pulls on his dick hard a couple of times and then cums, shooting jizz up his abdomen and chest.  Kyle keeps thrusting in while Jamie’s orgasm rocks his body.

When Jamie is done, he grabs Kyle’s arms, wrapping his fingers tightly around Kyles forearms, lifting his head and shoulders so he can look at Kyle.

“Come on Kicks, cum in me.  I want to feel it.  Come on, fuck me hard and cum inside me.”  Kyle is on the edge and all it takes is Jamie talking that way, so dirty, so much more shameless than Kyle thinks he could ever be, for Kyle to bury himself deep and release his load into Jamie’s ass.

It is so different than with a condom, he can feel the warm liquid spreading around his dick.  He rocks back and forth a few more times, watching as his cum spills out of Jamie’s ass as he pulls his dick out. 

He sits there on his knees watching Jamie’s opening pucker a few times, as if searching for Kyle’s dick to fill it again.  He’s never paid this much attention to any of this before, and he now wonders why.  This is so much hotter than any of the videos they’ve ever watched.

Jamie drops his legs down, trying to catch his breath, “Oh my god, that was, oh my god.”

“Yeah, it was, wow,” Kyle drops down on his back next to Jamie.

"I think I've decided birthday sex is the best sex."

\---

After they lay there for a few minutes in silence, Kyle taps Jamie on the hips and gets up.  They wash off in the lake, careful not to get Jamie’s cast wet.  Once they are clean, they go back over and lay down to dry off in the warmth of the sun.

Kyle lays there looking at Jamie, stretched out on his back, his chest rising and falling slowly, steadily.  Somehow in the last year he has filled out, his chest muscular, abs tight, long legs and arms now looking strong and muscular instead of long and gangly.  Kyle thinks he could never get tired of looking at him, Jamie Marsh is still the most beautiful thing Kyle has ever seen.

“I think you’ve grown this summer, if that’s possible.”

Jamie smiles, “Yeah, another two inches when I was at the doctor this week.  And, almost 20 lbs.  All that working out we’ve been doing.”

Kyle rolls over onto his side, letting his hand fall on Jamie’s chest, drawing lazy circles around his nipples, across his collarbones, down the muscles of his stomach.

“So what’s your bio gonna read this fall.”

“Six four, 205 lbs.”  Jamie opens his eyes, squinting in the sun, to watch Kicks.

“Damn, and led the team in goals and scoring last year, second in on-ice time for forwards,” Kyle presses a kiss to Jamie’s chest.  “You’re gonna have NHL scouts all over you this year, Marshie.  Bet you get drafted next year.”

“Bet you do, too.  And don’t say it, Kicks, you are good enough.  We’re both gonna get there.”

“And win the cup.”  Kyle lays his head on Jamie’s shoulder, draping his arm across Jamie’s chest.  “I wish that would come true, Marshie.  But we both know I’m not gonna make it to the NHL.  It’s be a couple more years of juniors, then maybe playing in some independent league.  No.  You’re going to get there.  And you’re gonna win the cup someday.”

Jamie knew exactly where Kyle’s self-doubt was coming from, it was his father talking.  Kyle was a good hockey player.  He should have been playing on a major junior team already, maybe in the WHL or OHL even.  But a couple of years ago, Kyle had sort of stopped caring about advancing in hockey.  His heart wasn’t still in it the way Jamie’s was, and that was because of Luc St. Croix.

Luc St. Croix had talked for years about how the boys, his boys, would play together in the NHL.  But talk of that had stopped a few years ago, when Luc realized that Kyle was gay.  He hadn’t accepted it, by any means, but he knew.  His talk was no longer about them playing in the NHL, but rather how a gay player would never play in the NHL. 

So while Jamie had Bill pushing him to be better, pushing him to play hard and train hard, pushing him into the WHL at 16, Kyle had a father who told him that his hockey would never be good enough as long as he insisted on doing this fag thing.  Yeah, Jamie heard him one time, he called it Kyle’s fag infatuation.

Jamie sighs. They’ve talked about it so many times and he’s given up trying to change the way Kicks thinks, at least for now.  When he gets to the NHL, he knows he’ll have Kicks with him.  That’ll show Kicks’ dad.  One day he’s gonna shove a Stanley Cup right down Luc St. Croix’ throat.

Kyle hears Jamie sigh, knows what Jamie is thinking but not saying.  He thinks Jamie is being naïve in thinking that they could actually be together and either of them play in the NHL.  His dad has pretty much beaten that into him, that he can’t be gay and play hockey professionally.  So Kyle knows that one day he will have to let Jamie go, so Jamie can play hockey.

But someday is not today, and he presses against Jamie.  “We need to go up to the cabin before we get sunburned out here.”

They get up, grab the blanket, and jog back to the cabin.  It isn’t long before they are curled up on the bed, sound asleep.

\---  
Practice for the Oil Kings started just after the Labour Day holiday, with the first game of the season scheduled for September 20th.  Jamie’s arm was completely healed and he was looking forward to getting back on the ice.  It was going to be hard to top last season, but he was going to try.

Coming out of practice one day, Jamie saw Kyle and his dad standing a short distance from the locker room.  Coach St. Croix was red-faced.  Kyle, for a change, was arguing back.  Jamie wondered what was going on, but didn’t want to eavesdrop, so he turned and walked away, stopping after a little bit to wait for Kyle.

When Kyle finally came, his face was red, and he was visibly upset, shaking and on the verge of tears.  He just said ‘let’s go’ and stormed towards the parking lot.  Once they were in Jamie’s vehicle, Kyle broke down.

“He called a friend of his, has it set up for me to go play in Ontario for some team,” he is sobbing into his hands, “says it will be good for me to be away from here.”

“Away from me, you mean.”  Jamie pounds his hands on the steering wheel.  “Fuck him.”

“I’m not going.  I told him I not going, that I won’t go.”

“Oh man, that’s why he was going ballistic.  Holy shit.”

“I called my mom, she said to ask you if I could come stay for a few days, to give him time to cool off, calm down.  She’s going to talk to him cause she doesn’t want me to go either.”

“Yeah, you know you’re always welcome.  I’m not sure he’d gonna calm down over this one, Kicks.  He looked really pissed.”

“It’ll be okay.  I’m not going.  I don’t care what he says or does.”

Kicks ends up staying with the Marshes for a week.  When he goes home, his dad has calmed down, but still seems insistent that Kyle go play in Ontario. 

“Your mother and I talked about it and I have agreed to wait, but next year.  You go next year.”

His father gets up from the dinner table and walks away.  Kyle looks at his mom, not understanding.

“I told him he drove Cat away from us and I wasn’t going to let him do that to you.”


	15. The Broken Nose Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie looks to his dad, confused and hurt that his dad isn’t standing up more, telling them the truth about what St. Croix did to Kyle, the real reason Jamie hit him. 
> 
> His mom leans over and whispers in his ear, “He talked to Kyle this morning, it’s what Kyle wants. Please. Just don’t say anything.”
> 
> Jamie drops his head to his chest. He hears them talking, but doesn’t comprehend the words. His mind is racing with thoughts of Kyle.
> 
> “What the fuck did you do, Kicks,” he says under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on tumblr... PensToTheEnd there too....
> 
> ... so yeah... if you've read All Of Me Loves All Of You... or you are reading the comments from others... you know that things get rough from this point on for Jamie... there will be happy... but there will be a lot of sad... please stick with me... please go read part 1 of this series if you haven't... all will be okay in the end... I promise...

October 13, 2014

The Oil Kings are playing the Brandon Wheat Kings in Edmonton.  Jamie is having a great game and the Oil Kings are up 4-2 late in the third period.  Jamie already has two goals and an assist.

With four minutes left in the game, Jamie comes over the boards for another shift.  Samuelsson and Lazar are both gone.  Sams is playing in the AHL and Laz is in the NHL.  Jamie is now on a line with a new center, Lane Bauer, and so far things have been clicking for them.

Bows brings the puck across the blue line into the Wheat Kings zone, he skates through the d-men and slips around the back of the net.  While he’s doing that Jamie slides across the center and sets up right in front of the net.  Bows is looking.  Jamie taps his stick once, the goalie is tracking Bauer and hasn’t picked up Jamie yet. 

The pass hits his stick just as he snaps his wrists, his timing perfect, elevating the puck up and over the goalie’s pad.  His teammates mob him and the hats hit the ice, as Jamie gets his first career hat trick.

\---

Kyle is waiting for Jamie outside the locker room, bouncing because he is so excited for Jamie.  When Jamie finally comes out, Kyle rushes him and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug.  Evan Lodario, walking with Jamie laughs at Kyle’s enthusiasm. 

“Careful, Crow, don’t hurt the scoring machine.  We need him.” He calls to the two as he keeps walking.

“Thank, Lo.” Jamie yells after him, before addressing Kyle.  “Kicks, can’t breathe, man.”

Kyle lets go, but is looking around, “Fucking hat trick, Marshie!  Fucking A.  You need to get a reward for that!”

“Not here, Kicks.”

“Come on, it’ll be fine, just a quick kiss for now,” Kyle takes Jamie’s arm and pulls him towards a dark corner, away from the locker room.  Most of the team have gone, and the coaches shouldn’t be out for a little bit yet.

Kyle pushes Jamie up against the wall and leans up on his toes, bringing their mouths together for a kiss.  His lips are warm and soft, and eager.  Riding the excitement of the hat trick, the win, and now the eagerness of Kyle pressed against him, Jamie forgets for a second where they are.  Until.

“What the fuck!”

The boys pull apart abruptly, Kyle turning, fear in his eyes.  Luc St. Croix has ahold of Kyle before he really has a chance to step away from Jamie. 

“God-damn fucking faggot!  You have to do that where everyone can see that my son is a queer!”  Kyle doesn’t have time to react before the backhand catches him full-force across his face.  He drops to the ground, and Jamie comes unglued. 

Just as Luc St. Croix is turning his head to say something to Jamie, Jamie lands a punch square on the older man’s jaw, then another quick punch to his nose.  St. Croix, has a definite height and weight advantage, but he is stunned by the force of the punches and staggers back, swearing at Jamie who doesn’t let up, he swings twice more connecting with his coach’s face each time.  St. Croix staggers some more and slumps to the ground, sitting there dazed, his hands now covering his bleeding nose.

Jamie stands over top of him, “You ever fucking touch him again and I swear I’ll kill you, you fucking bastard.” 

Kyle has gotten to his feet, he is trying to pull Jamie back, pleading with him to stop.  Luc is swearing at them both as the other coaches come flooding out of the locker room to find out what the commotion is.

Kyle is pulling Jamie away, when the head coach, Steve Hamilton, gets there.

“What the fuck happened?  Luc?”

“That little fucking asshole attacked me.  I think he broke my fucking nose.”

“Marsh?  Is that true?”

Jamie stands there, not knowing what to say or do, Kyle is whispering in his ear, “Let it go, Marshie.  Don’t say anything.  I’ll fix this.”

“I want the little fucker arrested for assault, and he’s gone, I want him off this team.”

Hamilton turns to Jamie, who still hasn’t said anything.  “Go home.  We’ll deal with this tomorrow.”

Jamie nods, the reality of what he just did starting to sink in as Kyle pulls him down the hall.  He turns to look and the other coaches have St. Croix on his feet, a towel to his face.

Kyle insists that Jamie take him home, he needs to talk to his mom before his dad gets there, he says.  Before he gets out of the car, Kyle leans across and kisses Jamie.

“It’ll be okay.  I’ll fix this.” He says.

Jamie goes home and spends the rest of the night explaining what happened to his parents instead of celebrating his hat trick.  Bill is visibly upset, he doesn’t say much and eventually just stands up and walks to his bedroom.

Hamilton calls and tells Jamie that he and his parents need to be in Hamilton’s office at 10 am the next day.

Jamie doesn’t sleep at all, his thoughts racing about what he did and what is going to happen.  He is also worried about what Kicks’ father did to Kicks when he got home.  The thoughts make him sick and he barely gets to the bathroom before he is throwing up.

\---

The next morning, they arrive at the arena fifteen minutes early.  One of the assistant coaches meets them outside the locker room and escorts them to Hamilton’s office.  Luc is there, but not Kyle.  Jamie’s heart sinks, thinking the worst.

They all sit down.

“Coach St. Croix says that last night was just an unfortunate misunderstanding between you two.  He says you were upset when he told you Kyle was going to be going to Ontario to play hockey.  Is that true?”

Jamie stares at St. Croix, stunned, feeling like someone just punched him in the gut.

“Kyle will be leaving in a few days,” the man says, glaring at Jamie with a smug look, “Marsh was just upset.  I said something else and, well, you know how emotional teenagers are.”

Jamie turns to Hamilton and nods, his mouth is dry, he feels sick.  This can’t be happening.  He knows now what is going on.

“Okay.  Well, we can accept that, so Coach St. Croix doesn’t want any charges pressed, but we can’t have a player striking a coach and not have there be some consequence, right?”  Hamilton looks at Bill.  “We’re going to suspend you for five games, Jamie, and that will be the end of it as far as the team is concerned.”

Bill looks at Luc, “That is okay with you?”

Luc nods, “I don’t want to ruin Jamie’s chances at a career because of a misunderstanding.  I understand that he’s very, shall we say, close to Kyle, and that he was just upset last night.  The five-day suspension was my idea.”

“Thank you, Luc.  Jamie told us what happened,” Bill says to the other man, “this will be very hard on him, but it may be for the best.”

Jamie looks to his dad, confused and hurt that his dad isn’t standing up more, telling them the truth about what St. Croix did to Kyle, the real reason Jamie hit him. 

His mom leans over and whispers in his ear, “He talked to Kyle this morning, it’s what Kyle wants.  Please.  Just don’t say anything.”

Jamie drops his head to his chest.  He hears them talking, but doesn’t comprehend the words.  His mind is racing with thoughts of Kyle.

“What the fuck did you do, Kicks,” he says under his breath.

\---

Kyle doesn’t call or return any of Jamie’s texts that day or the next.  As they had been walking out, Luc had said to Jamie that he should appreciate what Kyle did for him, because he still thought Jamie should be arrested. 

On the 16th, the Oil Kings leave for a two-game road trip.  No sooner have they gotten out of town, than Kyle shows up at the Marsh house.  Jamie has been hiding away in his room since the meeting with Hamilton, so when someone knocks on the door he assumes it is his mother trying again to get him to eat something.

“Marshie, it’s me.” 

Jamie springs up from his bed when he hears Kyle’s voice, unlocking the door and pulling him into a hug, dropping his head to bury it in Kyle’s shoulder.  The tears come freely.

“What the fuck did you do?  Why?”

Kyle pushes Jamie into the bedroom and shuts the door, he wraps his arms around the younger boy, rubbing his hands up and down Jamie’s back, trying to comfort him.

“I fixed this.  I told you I would.”

He gets Jamie to sit down on the bed, then steps back.  “He was going to have you arrested and thrown off the team, that’s what he said when he got home.  So I told him, that if he backed down, I would agree to go to Ontario now and not next year.”

“I don’t understand, how can you just leave.  I don’t care what would have happened to me, Kicks.  I’d fucking hit him again.  He had no right, has no right, to hit you.”

Kyle sits down next to Jamie, puts his arm around his shoulders.  “My protector,” he kisses Jamie’s forehead, “this isn’t like defending me against some school bully, Marshie.  You hit your coach, you broke his nose.  This could have ended your chances to ever get into the NHL, or to play hockey at any level.  It’s only until April, then I’ll be home.  And, I’ll be home for Christmas.  It’ll be okay.”

Jamie wipes his eyes, and leans into Kyle’s embrace.  “April?”

“Yep, just until then.  We’ll Skype and text and it’ll go by in no time.  I promise.”

They sit there for almost an hour, not saying anything, before Jamie can calm down completely. 

“When do you leave?” he finally asks.

“Four days.  So hey, let’s have some fun before I go, okay, since you won’t be playing again until after I leave.”  Kyle reaches and hands Jamie a Kleenex.  “Your mom says you haven’t eaten much, so what say we go out.  My treat.”

\---

“I can’t believe we are doing this,” Jamie nervously looks around the tattoo parlor.  “Your dad is going to shit.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?  He’s not going to see mine, it’ll be yours that will drive him crazy.”

Jamie chuckles.  “Yep, every time he sees it while I’m changing.  It’ll be great.”

Kyle drops his head, “I wish I could just stand up to him the way you do.”

Jamie reaches out, taking Kyle’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, “You did stand up to him.  That’s why you’re going, remember.”

They look around at all the drawings, debating about what they should get.  Jamie finally looks at Kyle and says he knows what he wants.  They hold hands when they go to the waiting artist and tell him what they want. 

Jamie pulls his t-shirt off and sits down in the chair.  A short time later he is standing in front of a mirror looking at the small tattoo on his chest, over his heart.  He turns around and looks at Kyle.

“I like it,” Kyle starts to unbuckle his belt, “my turn now.”

“What are you doing?”

“Getting my matching tat, Marshie, well okay, not quite matching,” Kyle turns to the artist, “I’d like mine on my ass, if that’s okay, and can you add a couple of words.”

“No problem,” the guy says as Kyle pulls his jeans and underwear down in the back, exposing his ass as he bends over the guy’s table instead of sitting in the chair, “nice ass, babe.”

A short time later, Jamie is looking at Kyle’s ass, his tattoo slightly bigger than Jamie’s.  “I can’t believe you.  If he sees this, he’s gonna go ballistic.”

“My way of showing him that he might be able to separate us by distance for a while, but that we are always going to be together.”

Jamie’s tattoo is a small heart above the word ‘Kicks’.  Kyle’s heart is bigger, below it is the word ‘Marshie’, above it are his two additional words, ‘Property Of’.

“Marshie and Kicks, together forever.”  Kyle waggles his eyebrows at Jamie.  “Let’s go to your house, it’s my last day before I leave and I need to get my fill of you for a while.”

Jamie blushes when the tattoo artist catcalls them, "yeah, get some of that nice ass boy" as Kyle leads him out of the tattoo parlor.


	16. Forced Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle lays his phone down on the nightstand and rolls over. The last week has been the longest of his life, he thinks. Kyle has made a point this whole time to stay as calm and positive as he could around Jamie, never letting him see just how upset he was. He hadn’t cried since that first night, when he told his dad that he would go to Ontario if his father wouldn’t have Jamie arrested. Tonight, 2100 hundred miles from home, in a strange house, in a strange bed, Kyle cries himself to sleep.

October 20, 2014

Kyle lands in Toronto and his new billet family pick him up at the airport.  Suzanne and Carl Montgomery seem nice enough.  They have three children, Noah 7, Danielle 10, and Lucas 14.  Only Lucas plays hockey.  Noah is more into soccer and Dani, as she tells Kyle to call her, dances.  The house is a newer, well-kept ranch.  Noah lugs Kyle’s suitcase to his bedroom, while Lucas carries Kyle’s gear bag. 

He’s going to be playing for the Orangeville Flyers in the Ontario Junior Hockey League.  Orangeville is about an hour north of Toronto.  The Flyers are one of 22 teams in the league.

The Montgomery’s take Kyle out to dinner after he gets his stuff unpacked, showing him the hockey arena and some of the other sites in the area, it is about 9 pm when they get back to the house.  Kyle excuses himself, saying he is tired from the flight, and heads to his bedroom.  He does a quick calculation on the time difference, trying to figure out what Jamie might be doing, as he starts typing out a text.

Kicks:  _What’s for dinner loser?_

He waits for a response, but nothing comes.  And nothing comes.  Finally, after 15 minutes his phone chirps.

Marshie: _Loser!  Folks took me out for dinner.  So how is it?_

Kicks:  _Okay.  Family seems nice.  3 kids._

Marshie: _When meet team?_

Kicks:  _Morning.  I miss you already._

Marshie:  _Miss you too.  Call me when back at house to tell me all about it._

Kicks:  _K.  Tired.  Long flight.  Going to bed.  Love you._

Marshie:  _Love you._

Kyle lays his phone down on the nightstand and rolls over. The last week has been the longest of his life, he thinks.  Kyle has made a point this whole time to stay as calm and positive as he could around Jamie, never letting him see just how upset he was.  He hadn’t cried since that first night, when he told his dad that he would go to Ontario if his father wouldn’t have Jamie arrested.  Tonight, 2100 hundred miles from home, in a strange house, in a strange bed, Kyle cries himself to sleep.

\---

November 4, 2014

It’s only been two weeks and Kyle is miserable.  He hates Orangeville.  He hates his teammates.  The only positive is his billet family.  The Montgomerys are really nice people who are trying their hardest to make Kyle feel like one of the family.  He does his best to hide how unhappy he is, but they notice he spends most of his time alone in his room.

Kyle texts Jamie often, always trying to sound upbeat.  They talk on Skype when they can, but Jamie’s schedule and the time difference makes it difficult.  Kyle is so lonely and homesick, crying himself to sleep most nights now.  He can’t let Jamie know the truth, however. 

Jamie has already offered repeatedly to get the Oil Kings to trade him to an Ontario Hockey League team, or just to leave them out-right and come play in the OJHL, himself.  Jamie is sure that with Bill’s connections he could find a team that would take him, that way they’d at least be close again.  Kyle keeps telling Jamie that he can’t do that, that staying in Edmonton with the Oil Kings is his best way to the NHL, all the while he keeps wishing that Jamie did just do it and come to be with him.

The other players, his teammates, ignore him, not even trying to be friends.  To them he is an interloper, someone taking a roster spot from one of their friends from Ontario.  There is already an abundance of talented players in the area fighting for roster spots, fighting to get noticed by the OHL teams, and here is this coach’s son from the other side of Canada getting a spot just because of his dad. 

Kyle knows he’s as good as any of them, he can hold his own in practice and games, but it is hard to play when your teammates barely speak to you. 

\---

November 8, 2014

“Come home.”

Jamie is sitting on a hotel bed in Lethbridge following a 4-0 win in which he had two goals.  After his suspension, Jamie had quickly gotten back on track and was at the top of the leaderboard in total points again.  He sent Lo off to hang with Bauer for a couple of hours so he can Skype with Kyle.  It is 10:30 in Lethbridge, 1:30 in the morning in Orangeville.

“Please come home, Kicks.  You can live with us, Bill and Jean would be happy to have you stay with us.”

“I can’t.  You know that.  If I come back, he’ll take it out on you, find some way to get you thrown off the team.”

Kyle looks terrible to Jamie, his eyes red and puffy from crying, and Jamie thinks Kyle has lost weight. 

“What happened, Kicks.  Why are you so upset tonight?”

“It’s nothing.  Just, I’m just homesick, Jamie, that’s all.” 

Jamie pauses, Kyle never uses his first name unless something is really wrong, so he tries to push some more, but Kyle just avoids talking about anything.  They eventually end up watching each other jerk off, before saying goodnight.  Jamie has trouble sleeping that night, his mind restless, worrying about Kyle.

\---

November 22, 2014

Kyle is sitting in his stall in the locker room, finally feeling good about something for the first time since coming to Orangeville.  The Flyers won in OT and Kyle got the game winner, a beautiful slap shot from 30 feet out that found its way past the goalie’s glove.  His teammates had celebrated with him, and were actually talking to him in the locker room. 

Kyle can’t wait to get back to the Montgomery’s to be able to call Jamie to tell him about the goal. The Oil Kings are in Brandon again tonight, the second of back-to-back road games against the Wheat Kings, so he’ll have to stay up late again.

That’s when he hears a couple of his teammates talking.  He’s sure they don’t intend for him to overhear them as they talk several stalls away from him.

“Should we ask him to come with us?”

“Fuck no, you want the queer to come with us?”

“Do you think that’s really true?”

“Yeah, I heard it from Coach Mack’s kid.  Said he heard his dad talking to St. Croix’s dad.  Said he needed to get him away from his fag boyfriend or something like that.”

“No shit.  Yeah.  Guess it must be true then.”

Kyle hurriedly takes his shower and gets dressed.  The Montgomery’s are waiting for him, offering to take him out for ice cream to celebrate his goal, but Kyle declines, telling them he isn’t feeling well and just wants to go to bed.  He still Skypes with Jamie when Jamie gets back to his hotel room after his game.  The Oil Kings lost, their second straight, and third of the last four.  Jamie is in a bad mood because of it.

Kyle ends up not telling Jamie about the game winning goal, or about overhearing what his teammates said. 

\---

November 30, 2014

They both have the entire day off, so Jamie and Kyle plan a marathon Skype session.  Kyle stock piles snacks in his room, and tells the Suzanne and Carl that he’ll be talking with a friend from home all day.  It’s the happiest they have seen Kyle since he arrived, so they tell him to have fun and that they’ll make sure the kids don’t bother him all day.

Kyle about goes crazy waiting for it to be morning in Edmonton so Jamie can call him when he gets up, which ends up not being until almost noon in Orangeville.

“What the fuck, Marshie, you never sleep in this late.” Kyle says not really looking at his computer screen right away, instead reaching for his Gatorade.  When he turns back to the screen, his eyes meet with a distressing site.

Jamie is sitting on his bed, Kyle can see his shoulders and face, and it is Jamie’s face that is the distressing image.

“What the hell happened?”

Jamie has a black eye and a cute lip, complete with stitches.

“Well, Kicks, we lost last night and I had a great night.”

“You really look like it.  Who was he?”

“Kyle Becker.  But you want to hear the best thing?”

“What was the best thing, did he end up worse off than you?”

“Nope, Kicks.  I had my first Gordie Howe hat trick, baby.  Goal.  Assist.  Fight.  It was fucking awesome.”

Kyle can’t help but laugh at Jamie as he tells him all the details of the fight, especially the way Jamie re-enacts every punch, ducking and weaving his head then punching at the screen.  They end up pretend fighting each other, laughing so hard they are crying before they are done.

Once they can breathe again, Jamie tells Kyle his other big news.

“Talked to scouts from Ottawa and Edmonton last week, did I tell you that?  And then in December, Coach said that there are scouts from a few other teams that have asked to come talk to me.”

“Marshie, that’s great.  See, they are noticing, huh.  Just keep scoring goals and racking up those assists.  I’m sure you’re gonna get drafted.”

Jamie shrugs, “I hope so.  All the talk is about McDavid, have you gotten to go to any O games and see him play?”

“No.  I don’t go out much here.  Just practice and games, then spend time at the house.”

“Maybe you should try to go out with some of the other guys.”

“They’re assholes.”

“Come on, they can’t be that bad.”

“Yeah, they can.”

Jamie can see Kyle getting upset, so he changes the subject.  They spend the next few hours talking more hockey and getting off a few times.  Finally calling it a day when Kyle starts to fall asleep while Jamie is telling him about losing to Bauer in a hot dog eating contest.  It is well after midnight Kyle’s time.

“Love you Kicks.  Always and forever.”  Jamie leans in and kisses the screen, which causes Kyle to giggle, but then do the same.

“Love you Marshie.  Always and forever.”

Kyle feels even more lonely after he hangs up, the depression that had left him while talking to Jamie settling back down on top of him. 


	17. The Last Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everyone leaves, Kyle finishes packing his duffle bag, then eats some breakfast. The place doesn’t open until 9 am so he has some time to kill. While he waits, he writes a note thanking the Montgomerys for everything and telling them good-bye. He finally leaves the house a little after 9. It is a few miles to the car rental place, and it is cold out, but he pulls his toque down and wraps a scarf around his face and sets out.
> 
> Two hours later, he is in a rented car headed west. He’s not sure of anything, thoughts racing through his head about what he is doing. His life is so fucked up right now, he wants to talk to Jamie, but decides to wait until he has been on the road for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hardest thing to write...
> 
> Warning for this chapter - suicide, death of character...

Over the next week, Kyle’s life falls completely apart.  On Monday, he is still feeling good after his marathon Skype session with Jamie, until he gets to the arena for the game.  There is a toy fairy tapped to his stall.  Kyle pulls it down and tucks it in his bag without looking around at his teammates, hearing a few giggles as he does.  The game doesn’t go well and Kyle ends up sitting on the bench the entire third period.

Jamie doesn’t have a game again until Friday, so Kyle calls him that night.  They talk about Christmas break and how great it will be to see each other, Jamie tells Kyle he’s been watching new videos and has found some things he’d like to try.  Jamie thinks Kyle is being overly quiet, but Kyle just says he is tired from the game. 

On Tuesday and Wednesday, the Flyers just have practices, no games.  Each day there is another object left in Kyle’s stall.  Each day, Kyle takes it down and shoves it in his bag.  During practice on Wednesday, they are working tight against the boards.  Kyle has one of the defensemen pinned to the boards while his line mate goes after the puck. 

The kid shoves back hard against Kyle, “Get off me, queer.” 

It isn’t said loud enough for the coaches to hear, but the other players near them hear it and all laugh when Kyle freezes and the defensemen steals the puck, skating away easily.

Suzanne picks Kyle up after practice.  She is concerned when he doesn’t talk the whole ride home, sitting and looking out the window.  When they get home, Kyle says he isn’t hungry and goes straight to his room.  He calls Jamie and they talk for an hour.  Jamie keeps asking him what’s wrong.  Kyle keeps saying nothing.

After he hangs up, Kyle gets up to go and find something to eat.  As he’s walking down the hallway, he freezes when he hears Carl and Suzanne talking.

“Something’s wrong, this is more than just being homesick,” Suzanne’s voice is full of concern.

“Have you tried talking to him.” 

“Yes, he just says he’s fine, then locks himself in his room.”

“It’s because he’s a queer.”  That’s Lucas’ voice.  Kyle’s mouth goes dry.  Fuck.

“What?  Where did you hear that?” Carl asks his oldest.

“A couple of guys on the team.  They said he had a boyfriend in Edmonton, probably the kid he talks to all the time.”

“Lucas, first thing, we do not use that word in this house.  Second, it is none of your business if Kyle is gay.”  Suzanne admonishes her son.

Kyle doesn’t wait to hear any more of the conversation, slipping back into his room.  He curls up on the bed, tears flowing from his eyes.

The next several days go about the same way, the team calling him names, leaving items.  Lucas has stopped talking to him.  While they in reality aren’t treating him any different, Kyle imagines that Suzanne and Carl hate him.  He’s sure they are going to ask him to find another family to billet with for the rest of the season.

Every day he talks to Jamie, just hearing his voice isn’t helping any more, nor is Skyping.  He just wants to go home and be with Jamie.  Jamie can hear the change in Kyle when they talk, he hears the stress, the depression, but Kyle won’t say anything.

\---

December 9, 2014

Instead of there just being an object taped to his stall when he gets there before the game, Kyle finds the word faggot on a piece of paper.  As with everything else, he takes it down and shoves it in his bag.  The game is a disaster, again, for Kyle.  This time, however, he isn’t benched.  The Flyers end up losing 5-2.

After the game, one of the other players walks past Kyle as he is sitting in his stall taking his gear off.

“Way to go, fag.  Lose the game for us with your shitty play.”

Kyle comes off the bench and tackles the boy, throwing punches.  It takes two coaches to separate him from the other player.  When they ask what the fight was about, Kyle says nothing, as does the other boy.  The coaches let it go at that, intending to address it the next day.  Kyle just simply changes without showering and leaves.

Suzanne is worried about leaving Kyle home alone while she and Carl are at work the next day.  Lucas filled them in on the fight, at least what he’d heard about it.  Suzanne tried talking to Kyle when they got home after the game, about the bullying, about how unhappy he seemed.  Kyle sat and listened, said that he was okay, got up and went to bed.  When he talked to Jamie later that night, he didn’t tell him about the fight. 

God he hates it in Orangeville.  He hates his life.  He is ready to quit.

Kyle calls his parents’ house after getting off the phone with Jamie.  This isn’t going to be easy.

“Hello.”  Luc answers the phone, Kyle had been hoping to talk to his mom first.

“Dad.  I… I…”

“Kyle?  What’s the matter?”

“I hate it here.  I want to come home.  Please.”

“We’ve had this discussion.”

“I know, but, I just hate it.  Can’t you just…”

“You really hate it that bad?  I’ll make you a new deal then.”

Kyle holds his breath, maybe his dad will be reasonable for a change.  He knows though, that is too much to hope for at this point.

“You can come home, but you don’t see the Marsh boy again.  At all.  You two do not hang out, you are not friends.”

Yeah, it was too much.

“Kyle?”

“No.”

“What did you say?”

“I said no.  No I won’t quit being friends with Jamie.”

“Then you can suck it up and stay there.  Those are your only two options.”

Kyle takes a deep breath, knowing the rest of their conversation isn’t going to go well, but he’s made up his mind. 

“No.  I’m not staying here.  I’m quitting.  I’m quitting hockey completely and I’m coming home.”

“You’d better reconsider that, boy.  You come home and I destroy your precious Jamie.  I’ll fucking make sure he never plays hockey again. We’ve had this talk and you made a commitment.”

“You can’t do that.  This isn’t about him, Dad.  It’s about me.  I’m gay.  You need to get over it because I’m not going to change.  And I’m not going to keep playing hockey just to please you.  I can’t do this anymore.  You, you ruined hockey for me.  I hate it right now.  And it’s your fault.”

“You little fuck.  That’s the way you talk to me?  I pulled a lot of strings to get you a spot on that team, had to beg them to take my queer son, had to lie and tell them you were a great player.  You are going to stay there.  I’m serious about this.  I can still get your boy arrested.”

“No you can’t.  I’ll tell them everything, Dad.  All about the times you hit me, how you would say you were going to beat the gay out of me.  Everything.  And I’ll tell them Jamie only hit you because you hit me.  Think they’ll like that, Dad, having a coach around who’s a child beater?”

“You little fuck, you wouldn’t dare.  I’ll deny it all.  Who’s going to believe you anyway?”

“Cat will back me up.”

There is a silence on the other end, Kyle can imagine his dad steaming at this point.

“If you quit, don’t come home.  I don’t have a son.  Not a fucking fag who quits because he can’t fuck his boyfriend.  And don’t worry, I won’t have to have him arrested, how many pro teams are going to draft him when they find out he’s gay.  You come home, I tell every scout I see.”

The phone goes dead.  Kyle throws his cell phone across the room.  Fuck his life. 

\---

December 10, 2014

There is a knock on his bedroom door.

“Kyle, honey, we’re leaving.  Are you okay?”

Kyle opens the door, already dressed.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I think I’ll go out, if that’s okay.  I think I’ll go see about getting some Christmas presents to take home before I go to practice today.”

“Okay.  We’ll see you when we get home.”

After everyone leaves, Kyle finishes packing his duffle bag, then eats some breakfast.  The place doesn’t open until 9 am so he has some time to kill.  While he waits, he writes a note thanking the Montgomerys for everything and telling them good-bye.  He finally leaves the house a little after 9.  It is a few miles to the car rental place, and it is cold out, but he pulls his toque down and wraps a scarf around his face and sets out.

Two hours later, he is in a rented car headed west.  He’s not sure of anything, thoughts racing through his head about what he is doing.  His life is so fucked up right now, he wants to talk to Jamie, but decides to wait until he has been on the road for a while.

Nine hours later, Kyle is just west of Wawa, Ontario, driving on a rural road, he has cried most of the way.  Things are so messed up in his mind, his life is ruined, he can’t ruin Jamie’s, too.  His father will do it, just because he can.  Jamie should be getting to the rink right now, he needs to talk to him, to tell him.

“Kicks?  What’s up?  I’ve got a game, so not a great time to talk.”

“I quit.”

“What?  What do you mean? Are you coming home?”  Jamie’s heart soars, he looks for someplace quiet where he can talk to Kyle for a few minutes, settling on the showers.

“I’m driving.  I went through this place called Wawa a little bit ago.  I don’t know what to do Jamie.”

Jamie, not Marshie, means something is wrong, and now that there is no background noise, Jamie can hear it in Kyle’s voice.  Something is really wrong.

“What do you mean?  You come home!  Does your dad know?”

“Yes.  I talked to him last night, we had another fight.”

“That’s to be expected, right.  What did the people there say?”

“I didn’t tell anyone, I just left, they are all such assholes, well the team, not my billet family.  The team, fuck Marshie, they, they were pricks.”  Kyle’s voice gets soft, shaky.

“What happened, Kicks, tell me.”

Kyle finally tells Jamie everything that has happened since he got to Orangeville, about all the bullying, about the homesickness, the overwhelming loneliness.  Then he tells him what his father said, about ruining Jamie’s career chances, everything he said about Kyle.

“Fuck him.  I don’t care, Kicks.  Let him say what he wants, just come home.  I’ve told you, you can live with me.”

“I can’t.  Fuck.  My life is so fucked up.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t Jamie, I can’t fuck up your life, too."

“Your life isn’t fucked up.  It’ll be okay.  Just come home, Kicks.  Please.  I’ll start that way.  I’ll meet you wherever.”  Jamie is starting to worry, Kyle is sobbing.  “Kicks, pull over.  You’re too upset to be driving and talking.  Please, come on.”

“I’m done, Marshie.  I can’t.  I just can’t.  My dad is right, this is so wrong.  They’re all right.  I’m a fag.  That’s all I’ll ever be to my dad and now everybody is going to know it, cause all those assholes know and they are going to tell everyone, and if we are together, then everyone will know about you and you can’t give up your dreams because of me, one of us needs to make it, and I guess, I guess I always knew it would be you, you have to do this, you have to Marshie.”  Kyle is rambling now, his thoughts jumbled and Jamie isn’t understanding him.

“Kicks, what do you mean?  You’re a good hockey player, so what if they know, you’re gonna get picked up by a team here.  Fuck we can play together.  I’ll go to whatever team you want.  It’ll be fine, god Kicks, please, let’s figure this out when you get here.  Please, just come home.”

There is silence, Jamie can hear Kyle crying. 

“Kicks?”

“Kicks?  Please, talk to me.”

Marshie?  I love you.  Please tell me that you love me.  One more time, just please, tell me.  You love me, right?”

“Please Kicks.  Please.  I’ll tell you when you get here.  Please just come home.  Please.”

“My whole life, Marshie, I’ve known something was wrong with me, because I felt the way I did about you, then you, you felt that way, too, and I thought everything would be okay, but it’s not.  I’m done.  I’m done disappointing people, I can’t, like I said, I fucked up my life and I can’t do that to you.  Maybe. Maybe he’ll stop.  He won’t be able to hurt me.  That’s why he’d do it, too, to hurt me, to control me.  If he can’t then he won’t hurt you.  I can’t let him hurt you, you’ve always stood up for me.  Now I can stand up to him for you.”

Jamie’s heart is racing, his eyes welling up, he can hear it in Kyle’s voice.  He knows. 

“Fuck you.  You can’t do this.  God-damn it Kicks, come home.  Please come home.”

Some of the other players can hear him now, peaking their heads in to the showers to see what is wrong.  Evan hears him pleading with Kyle, sees the distress on Jamie’s face and goes to find Coach Hamilton.

“Kicks, please.  I’ll tell you what you want to hear, but you have to come home first.  I’ll be okay if you just come home.”

“Jamie.  Please, just tell me that you love me.”

Jamie is leaning against the shower wall, he pounds his fist against the wall.  The tears flowing down his face.

“I love you, Kicks.  Always and forever.”

“I love you, too.  Good-bye, Jamie.”

Jamie hears the sound of the car engine race as Kyle accelerates. 

“Kicks.  Please.”

He hears the crash, the horrible sound of metal impacting against something hard, crunching and twisting.  Then there is silence.

“Kicks!”

“Kicks!”

His gut twists as he slides down the wall, collapsing to the ground, his mouth open but no sound coming out.  He feels a pair of hands on his shoulders, he can’t focus because of the tears streaming from his eyes, he can’t breathe.  When the sound finally comes, it is from the very center of his soul, gut wrenching and primal.

“Jamie?  Jamie, what’s wrong?  What happened?”  Jamie’s brain barely comprehends that it is Coach Hamilton who is talking to him. 

“Oh god!  Oh god!  Kicks.  Kicks, he, oh god!”  The hands pull him forward and he buries his face against a strong, solid shoulder as his body shudders with each painful wail. 

“Go find Coach St. Croix, tell him I need him.  Everybody clear out, go finish putting on your gear.”

All Jamie can do is cry uncontrollably, shaking, wailing, his breath coming in gasping sobs.  One of the assistant coaches is there, Hamilton tells him to go find Bill Marsh and bring him down.  Luc St. Croix comes in then.

“What the fuck is wrong with him.”

“I think something’s happened, Luc.  I think something’s happened with or to Kyle.”

“What?  Did he come to his senses and tell you that he doesn’t want you any more…”

“He’s dead!  He fucking killed himself!”  Jamie wails into Hamilton’s shoulder, stopping St. Croix in mid-sentence.

Hamilton looks at Jamie in disbelief, as does St. Croix.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”  St. Croix squats down, reaching for Jamie’s shoulder, but Hamilton stops him.

“Jamie,” Hamilton pulls back and pushes Jamie’s shoulder back towards the wall.  “What do you mean he killed himself?  What happened.”

Between sobs and deep breaths, Jamie tells them.  St. Croix is stunned, not believing what Jamie is saying.  As he finishes, Bill comes in to the room.  They get Jamie up and Bill wraps him into a hug, but Hamilton has to help hold the distraught teenager up.  

“Take him home, Bill.  We’ll make some calls and see what we can find out.  I’ll give you a call as soon as I know something.”  Hamilton helps them to the exit where Jean is waiting.  Once he sees them out, he comes back and finds St. Croix in his office on the phone.

“I’m talking to the local RCMP station.  They are going to check with the nearest station.  Marsh said Wawa, right?  That Kyle said he was just west of Wawa.”  St. Croix sounds like a man that has come to the realization that this is in fact happening, that knows the worst has happened.  Hamilton watches as St. Croix rests his head in his free hand, “What have I done.”


	18. Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat finds sweatpants and a sweatshirt for him, then a jock and some socks. She watches as he gets dressed, not bothering to turn around. “Damn you look good.”
> 
> “So where are we going?” He’s tying the laces on his sneakers.
> 
> “For a run. Come on.”
> 
> Jamie is not really in to running, it’s his least favorite form of exercise, but he follows her out the door.

It has been a week since the funeral, since Kyle’s funeral.  Jamie had stood in the back of the church, leaning against Cat who was there with her husband.  Cat had refused to sit with her parents, to stay in their home, to even talk to her father.  Cat had supported him through the funeral, then she had left.  And the realization that Kyle and Cat were gone from his life was more than Jamie could handle.

Other than to attend the funeral, Jamie had not left his house, had barely left his bedroom.  Jean brings him his meals in his room.  He picks at the food, not having an appetite, or even the energy to want to eat.  The Oil Kings have told Bill that Jamie should take all the time he needs, they’ll hold his spot on the roster.

Jamie is on his bed, the room dark with all the blinds pulled.  He is face-down on the bed, his eyes wet as yet another wave of grief and tears take over his body.  Jamie doesn’t hear the door open or the soft footsteps as the person crosses the room to his bed.  It is not until the edge of the bed dips and a small hand rubs up and down his back that he knows someone is even in the room.

“I’m not hungry, Mom,” he says, his voice hitching between soft sobs.

“That’s good, cause I didn’t bring you any food.”

Jamie rolls over in a flash, the sound of the voice covering him like a security blanket.

“Cat?  What are you doing here?”

“You need to get your ass out of this bedroom, he wouldn’t want this.”  She stands up and goes to the windows, opening the blinds and letting the warm December sunshine into the room.

Jamie rolls back over and burrows his head against his pillow, watching her move from window to window.

“I don’t give a fuck what he would want.  He fucking left me, Cat.  He said he loved me, but he did this.”

She comes back and sits next to him on the bed again, rubbing his back once more.

“I know he did.  But that doesn’t mean he didn’t love you, from what you said about what Kyle said to you, I think he thought he had to do this because he loved you.  I know, that is messed up.  I don’t understand why or how he could think this was what he had to do.”

“Your dad.”

“Yeah, I know.  Dad is having a hard time.  Of course, it’s not his fault.”

“He’s probably blaming me.”  Jamie sighs.

“No.  I don’t think so.  He’s blaming Kyle.”  Cat gets up and walks to one of Jamie’s dressers.  “So, where do I find some clothes for you.  You’ll need sweats.”

Jamie looks at her, “Why?”

“Because, Jay, you need to get your sorry ass up, weren’t you listening.”

Cat finds sweatpants and a sweatshirt for him, then a jock and some socks.  She watches as he gets dressed, not bothering to turn around.  “Damn you look good.”

“So where are we going?”  He’s tying the laces on his sneakers.

“For a run.  Come on.”

Jamie is not really in to running, it’s his least favorite form of exercise, but he follows her out the door.

\---

They have run together five days in a row.  Cat showing up first thing in the morning and dragging Jamie out the door.  While they run they talk.  About Kyle.  About Luc St. Croix.  About hockey.  About life.  They also just run in silence for part of the way, Cat letting Jamie process everything, letting him clear his mind.

It is Christmas Eve, so this morning they talk about that, about what Jamie wants for Christmas.  Bill and Jean have invited Cat and her husband over for Christmas Eve dinner.  Reluctantly, Cat has agreed to spend Christmas at her parents’ home, mainly for her mother who has been struggling since Kyle’s death.

They run on Christmas morning, and every day for the rest of the year.  Cat runs with him on New Year’s Day, telling him that she and her husband are leaving later that day, going home for a while.  Jamie isn’t sure he is ready, but when she leaves, Cat gives him a kiss and assures him that he’ll be okay.

The next morning Jamie gets up and goes for a run by himself.  And again the next morning.  And the next. 

On January 5th, Jamie gets up and goes for a run.  That afternoon, he drives himself to the rink, and for the first time in nearly a month he puts on his hockey gear and practices with his team.

\---

Jamie struggles for the first month, everything about hockey floods his mind with memories of Kyle.  Luc St. Croix is not there, however, having taken an indefinite leave.  At least Jamie does not have to face him every day. 

By February, he is doing better, but the month off and then not being able to focus for so long have put him far behind on the leaderboard in both goals and assists.  This season is a wash as far as his individual stats go, he thinks, but at least the Oil Kings have a chance to make the playoffs.  Maybe they will be able to defend their title and the Memorial Cup.

In early March, Jamie meets with scouts from the Pittsburgh Penguins, San Jose Sharks, and Anaheim Ducks.  The Pens and Ducks seem most interested in him, asking about his future plans.  Jamie tells them he isn’t sure, just that he wants to play hockey.

Every day, Jamie gets up and goes for a run.  He uses the time to clear his mind, to think about his hockey, to focus his energy on something besides thinking about Kyle.  He runs.  And slowly, his hockey comes back. 

Over the first two weeks of March, the Oil Kings have eight games.  Jamie goes on a goal scoring streak over those games, scoring 14 goals and 4 assists, including getting his second career hat trick in the Kings 8-2 win over Saskatoon. 

The regular season ends on the 21st of March with a win in Red Deer over the Rebels.  The Oil Kings will begin the defense of their title on the 26th.  Jamie is ready for some playoff hockey.


	19. March 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime later, Jamie stirs, there is a noise coming from somewhere. His eyes flutter open slowly, focusing first on the menu screen now up on the TV. His brain registers that it is dark outside. Fuck, how long did he sleep. As his brain wakes up, Jamie realizes the noise is someone pounding on the front door.
> 
> “Mom? Dad? There’s somebody at the door. Somebody getting it?” There is no response, which Jamie finds strange. They should be home by now, he thinks. Jamie rubs his eyes and stands up, making his way to the front door. 
> 
> When he opens it, there are two RCMP Constables standing there looking at him, their faces serious and troubled, like they want to be anywhere but at Jamie’s door at the moment. Jamie blinks a few times, before it registers. No. No, this can’t be happening, but it is written across their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...

March 25, 2015

Jamie is up early and out the door for the morning run that has become a part of his routine.  This morning it is a beautiful day in Edmonton and he is feeling good, so he decides to take a longer route than normal.  His mind is busy this morning, thoughts of the playoffs running through his head.  They open round one against the Brandon Wheat Kings tomorrow.

When Jamie gets home, his parents are just getting up.  Jean tells him to go take a shower and get dressed while she fixes breakfast. 

Jamie steps out of the shower, smells bacon cooking and hurries to dry off and get dressed.  When he comes out to the kitchen, the table is set and there is a glass of juice waiting for him.  He sits and talks about the playoffs with his dad as his mom finishes making his omelet.  The three sit and eat, talking about what their plans for the day are.

Jamie spends the morning working on some of his cyber school assignments.  Bill had agreed a couple of years ago to let Jamie finish his high school education online.  They had researched and found a cyber school that would allow Jamie to work at his own pace, on his own time, allowing him to work around his hockey schedule.  He had worked hard over the summers to get ahead, so that this semester he just had to finish two classes to graduate, with honors of course.

That afternoon it is off to practice, which is good, because despite his run, Jamie has a lot of nervous energy he needs to work off.  After they skate, Jamie goes through a full workout with one of the trainers.  By the time he is done, he is feeling tired but good, settled and focused on their upcoming game.

As he drives home, Jamie is eager to talk to his dad again about the playoff, wanting to get his thoughts on the Wheat Kings.  Jamie was also excited that the team would be flying them down to Brandon tomorrow instead of taking a bus.  A treat for the boys as they set out to defend their title from the previous season. 

He makes a couple of stops on the way home, to pick up some snacks for the flight and get his suit from the dry cleaner.  His parent’s car isn’t there when he pulls into the driveway and Jamie guesses they have gone to the store.  They’ll be home soon, he thinks.

He walks in and chucks his shoes by the door.  In the kitchen he roots through the refrigerator looking for something to eat, finds some left over mac and cheese from last night’s dinner, throws it in the microwave, and grabs a Gatorade.  While he’s waiting for his food to heat up, he finds the stash of Timbits Jean got yesterday and stuffs three in his mouth, they are the apple fritter ones, his favorite.

When his food is ready, he grabs everything and goes in to the living room, flopping down on the couch.   Jamie picks up the remote and turns on the TV, quickly finding the most recent episode of Supernatural on the DVR.  It is really the only show he watches regularly, having gotten into it because of Kyle.  Jamie settles back on the couch with his mac and cheese.  When he finishes it, he lays down, his belly full, body tired from practice and the workout, Jamie falls asleep before the episode ends.

Sometime later, Jamie stirs, there is a noise coming from somewhere.  His eyes flutter open slowly, focusing first on the menu screen now up on the TV.  His brain registers that it is dark outside.  Fuck, how long did he sleep.  As his brain wakes up, Jamie realizes the noise is someone pounding on the front door.

“Mom?  Dad?  There’s somebody at the door.  Somebody getting it?”  There is no response, which Jamie finds strange.  They should be home by now, he thinks.  Jamie rubs his eyes and stands up, making his way to the front door. 

When he opens it, there are two RCMP Constables standing there looking at him, their faces serious and troubled, like they want to be anywhere but at Jamie’s door at the moment.  Jamie blinks a few times, before it registers.  No.  No, this can’t be happening, but it is written across their faces.

A sharp, hot spear of pain hits him in the gut, twisting just as it did in December, making his knees, his whole body go weak.  Jamie can hear them talking, knows they are saying sentences but his brain can only pick out single words.

Accident.  Parents.  Sorry.  Loss.

Jamie collapses to the floor, dropping down on his knees before settling in a seated position, the tears flooding from his eyes.  There is an arm around his shoulders and a comforting voice, but the pain is too much.  First Kyle, now his parents, Jamie can’t breathe again, his body shakes violently as his grief consumes him.

His next conscious thought comes an hour later, he is laying on his back in a bed, aware of people talking around him, over him.

“We’ve given him a sedative, to calm him down.”  It is a female voice, calm, yet authoritative.

“He’s had a rough time since December.  His best friend committed suicide, and now this.  Poor kid.”  Jamie knows that voice, he tries to focus, but his body feels like it is floating in a fog.  “We’ll take him home with us tonight.”

Jamie opens his eyes, the room is bright, sterile.  He’s in the hospital, laying on a bed in the emergency room.

“Hey, Jamie,” a hand brushes his hair off his forehead.  Coach Hamilton.  “I’m so sorry.”

Jamie lets his Coach get him up off the bed.  The doctor, the female voice Jamie sees, gives them a prescription for some more anti-anxiety drugs to help Jamie sleep if needed.  Jamie leans on Hamilton as the older man walks him to his car, then into the house when they get to the coach’s home.  Hamilton’s wife gives him a hug and kiss on the cheek, then they guide him down a hallway to a bedroom.

\---

Jamie’s eyes open, where is he, this isn’t his bedroom.  There is light coming in the windows.  Daylight.  Then he is aware that someone is next to him, arms around him, body pressed against his, holding him tight.  He is on his stomach, so he lifts his head and turns to look at whoever is in bed with him.

Kicks?  Jamie thinks he is dreaming all this, thinks his mind is still foggy from whatever they gave him last night.  Jamie closes his eyes.  This is a dream.

“Hey, I’m here.  I’m so sorry, Jay, but I’m here.”

He’s not dreaming.  The voice, the warm security blanket draping over him again, like it had in December.  Jamie opens his eyes again.  Cat.

Jamie buries his head into her neck, the tears coming again.  He lets her hold him, comfort him with soft words and gentle kisses to his forehead.  Jamie cries himself back to sleep.

A while later, Cat wakes him, then helps him get dressed.  Coach Hamilton has left with the team for Brandon, but Mrs. Hamilton is there.  She fixes Jamie and Cat some soup, which Cat actually gets him to eat.  Jamie thanks Mrs. Hamilton for everything and then he and Cat leave to go back to his home.  His now empty home.

They stop at a pharmacy on the way so Cat can get his prescription filled.  When they get home, Cat gets Jamie to take one of the pills, then they settle on the couch, Jamie stretched out with his head on Cat’s lap.

\---

The next week is a blur to Jamie as he simply goes through the motions each day.  The only constant, only solace he has right now is that Cat is there with him.  Cat is taking care of everything for him.  They learn the details of the accident, a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one-way street at a high rate of speed.  Bill and Jean had been killed instantly.

Cat stands next to him at the funeral, letting him lean against her as she did at Kyle’s funeral.  Jamie is aware of his teammates being there.  Jamie couldn’t tell you who else was there for sure, Bill had a lot of friends.

Cat tries to get him up every day, she doesn’t force him to go running though, not yet.  She doesn’t like it, but she lets him rely on the pills to get through the week.

The funeral is on Saturday, the following Monday, Cat tells him she has to leave for a little while, but that she’ll be back soon.  He tries to stay at his house, but it is too empty, too quiet.  Evan Lodario’s billet family, Lars and Alicia Amundsen, offer to let Jamie stay with them until Cat gets back. 

Jamie spends most of the next week with the Amundsens sleeping, avoiding doing anything.  Evan can’t even get him interested in playing video games.  Jamie seems lost.

Cat calls every day to check on him.  At some point, it dawns on Jamie that Cat’s husband wasn’t with her when she was home with him.  Cat didn’t even talk about him at all.  He finally asks her about it and all she says is that things are difficult right now, but won’t go into it any further.

She isn’t going to be back as quickly as she thought, Cat tells him after a week, it may be another week in fact.  Jamie tells her that it’s okay, even though he wishes she was there.

“Don’t worry, Jay.  I’ll be back.  I promise.”  Jamie holds tight to her words, he hopes, but he also is afraid.  Afraid because everyone he’s ever loved has left him.  He doesn’t think he could survive if Cat left him now, too.


	20. You Make Me Feel Like I'm Alive Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been a week since the incident. The police had called Coach Hamilton, who had come to the station and taken Jamie back to the Amundsen’s, who had been devastated that this had happened while Jamie was supposed to be in their care. After a thorough lecture on what could have happened, after the lecture on how he jeopardized their ability to be a billet family, after everyone got done yelling, Jamie, in his drunken state, had snapped. And that’s when he said it out loud, as he was going off about losing everyone in his life. “I don’t care, I just want to kill myself.”

The house is quiet, everyone has gone out to dinner to say good-bye for the summer.  Everyone but Jamie, who just wanted to stay home.  The house is too quiet. 

Jamie opens the door to the cabinet under the wet bar, pulling out several bottles and sitting them on the bar.  Jamie opens one and takes a swig.  Wow, what the fuck.  His throat burns.  Well, that’s not gonna work.  He grabs another bottle.  Vodka.  He takes a swig and while it’s rough, he can handle it.  There’s about half a bottle left, he polishes it off.

The pain inside him is still there, though, so he picks up another bottle.  Whiskey.  He doesn’t even care that this one burns a little, too, just polishes off what is left.

His brain is foggy now and it is telling him to go home, he’ll feel better if he can just go home.  Jamie finds his keys, manages to get to his Ford, and heads for home, hundreds of thoughts mingling in the fog in his brain.

_Kicks.  Why did you leave.  Fuck this.  Everyone leaves me.  My parents left me.  My real parents.  No.  They were my parents but Bill and Jean were my real parents.  Fuck.  Fuck that.  Everyone leaves.  Cat left, too.  She’s not coming back.  She left before, remember.  When I loved her, she didn’t love me.  Kicks.  Kicks loved me.  Kicks.  Why?  Fuck.  Maybe he was right.  I can’t deal with this anymore.  Maybe Kicks had the right idea.  If I, if I just.  I could be with Kicks again.  With my family.  So how.  How?  I could drive into a tree like Kicks.  No fuck that.  My luck I’d end up in a coma instead of dead.  So.  The pills.  I could just take all my pills at once.  No.  I could shoot myself.  Dad’s guns are at the house.  I could do that.  I wonder if that would hurt.  Do you feel it?  Do you feel anything or is it just over too quick?  Well, guess I’m gonna find out…_

The sound of the siren jerks him out of his thoughts, and he finally sees the flashing lights behind him. 

\---

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

Jamie sits with his head down, avoiding eye contact with her.  “I wasn’t”

“Damn right you weren’t.  Jesus, after what just happened to your folks, you get drunk and then drive?  Jamie, do you know what could have happened?”

“I’m sorry.  I was just,” he looks up, “I was just so lonely, Cat.  I didn’t think you were coming back.”

It has been a week since the incident.  The police had called Coach Hamilton, who had come to the station and taken Jamie back to the Amundsen’s, who had been devastated that this had happened while Jamie was supposed to be in their care.  After a thorough lecture on what could have happened, after the lecture on how he jeopardized their ability to be a billet family, after everyone got done yelling, Jamie, in his drunken state, had snapped.  And that’s when he said it out loud, as he was going off about losing everyone in his life.  “I don’t care, I just want to kill myself.”

Jamie would have probably ended up in the hospital again that night, under a psychiatric watch, had it not been for the fact that he was extremely drunk.  No one thought he would mean what he said or would have said it had he not been drunk.  So they put him to bed, but kept an eye on him from that point on.  They took the pills.  They locked the liquor cabinet.  Jamie was never left alone during the day, and they took turns sitting up with him at night for the next week until Cat had returned.

Now she was standing in front of Jamie, in the living room of his house, giving him the same lecture everyone else had already given him.

Cat stares at him for a minute before her anger turns to concern.  She sits down next to him on the couch.

“I’m back, Jay.  I told you I’d be back.  I’m sorry you were worried.  I just had to take care of a few extra things before I could come back, so that I wouldn’t have to leave again.”

“You mean, you can stay with me?  What about your husband?  About school?”

“I’d taken a leave this semester, because I got hurt in January.  Don’t worry, nothing bad, just a nagging muscle pull in my shoulder.  And as for Jake, well, that was a mistake from the beginning.  We’re getting divorced.  So, yeah, I’m here for as long as you need me right now.”

Jamie isn’t sure what to think or what to believe, but Cat is here with him and she said she isn’t going anywhere.  For the first time since his parents’ accident, Jamie feels better about things.  He gives her a hug, burying his head to her shoulder.

The next morning Cat makes him drag his ass out of bed at 5 am and they go for a run.  That afternoon, she makes a few calls and sets him up an appointment to see a counselor.  Jamie protests, but goes anyway. 

Cat takes care of everything the first few weeks they are together.  Insurance claims.  Getting death certificates.  Finances changed to Jamie’s name.  His father’s attorney had been named executor of his parent’s estate, so Cat works with him to get everything in order. 

Jamie makes two major decisions.  First, not to sell the house just yet.  He wants to hold on to it until he can figure out what he wants to do.  Second is to keep the cabin as well.  While Jamie can’t see himself going there much, too many memories, he also can’t part with it yet, too many memories. 

After the underage DUI episode, the Oil Kings had been concerned about Jamie living alone.  He wouldn’t be 18 until August and they want him to move in with a billet family until then, or possibly even longer.  Cat had gone and talked with the team management and coaches, telling them that she would stay with Jamie and act as his guardian.  The team had agreed.

By the end of May, Jamie and Cat have settled in to a routine that has brought some sense of stability back into Jamie’s life.  They run together every morning.  Jamie finishes his classes and graduates from high school.  They go shopping together, cook meals together, and spend evenings laying on the couch watching TV together.  Along the way, Cat teaches Jamie about managing his finances, taking care of things like car insurance, and paying bills.  They are a couple in every sense of the word, except one.  At least for now.

Jamie's life is okay again.  He can do this.  He can go on without his parents, without Kyle.  With Cat.


	21. The Draft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie reads a few more, in shock, almost thinking this is a joke. 
> 
> “Turn on the draft, Cat. I think I got picked.”
> 
> Cat sits up and switches channels, just as Jamie gets a phone call.
> 
> “Jamie, Bob Murray, GM with the Anaheim Ducks, here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter... and finally something happy again!!

June 27, 2015

It is day two of the NHL draft.  Jamie watched on day one at Connor McDavid went number one and Jack Eichel number two.  Jamie doesn’t go in the first round, not that he really expected that he would.  His numbers are good, or were good his first year.  This past year not so much, plus he broke his coaches nose.  The story had gotten out about that, coincidentally when Cat had moved in with him.  Jamie was pretty sure her dad was behind it.  And, on top of that there was the DUI.  Jamie was pretty sure no team was going to want him, so after the first round, he had quit following the draft news.

Cat suggest that they do something different for their run this morning, so they drive in to downtown Edmonton to run along the river.  They park Cat’s car, stretch, and then start off on a route that will loop them through Rossdale, Riverfront, and Riverdale parks.

After their run, they stop at Tim Horton’s for breakfast and to get some Timbits for Jamie.  Then they stop at the grocery store, picking up steaks, salad, and other stuff to fix for dinner.  They intended to spend the day washing their cars, cleaning out the garage, and then just relaxing and watching a movie.

By later that evening Jamie has forgotten about the draft, now sure that he isn’t going to get picked.  Oh well, he had thought earlier, I’m only 17 and it is only my first year of eligibility.  So he forgets about it, and sits down to watch a movie with Cat.

A short time later, his cell phone starts chirping like crazy as text messages come flooding in.

Jarry:  _Way to go!  Welcome to the league!_

Lodario:  _Did you see???  Fuck yeah!!!  UR a DUCK!!!_

Lazar:  _Welcome to the league Marshie!  Can’t wait to play against you!!_

Coach:  _Bill would be so proud!  Congrats Jamie!_

Bauer:  _AWESOME!!!  You’re going to Anaheim!!!!_

Jamie reads a few more, in shock, almost thinking this is a joke. 

“Turn on the draft, Cat.  I think I got picked.”

Cat sits up and switches channels, just as Jamie gets a phone call.

“Jamie, Bob Murray, GM with the Anaheim Ducks, here.”

“Mr. Murray, I, um, wow.”

“We tried to get ahold of you, but evidently our scout had your phone number down wrong, or I’d have let you know before we made our move.  I hope you are okay with us drafting you.  We were really impressed with your numbers up there.”

Jamie is dumbstruck.

“Um, yes sir, thank you, I’m thrilled.  I would love to be a part of the Ducks’ organization.”

“Okay.  We’ll be in touch in a day or two to go over some details, we’re planning right now to bring all the prospects in for training camp in September.  Oh, and I’m very sorry about your parents, Jamie.  Bill was a hell of a good guy.”

“Thank you, Mr. Murray.  I look forward to hearing from you.”

“Congratulations Jamie, and welcome to the Ducks.”

Cat is wide-eyed, watching the listing of draft picks scroll across the bottom of the screen.  Round six finally comes up and there it is _179.  ANAHEIM Jamie Marsh (Can) Edmonton WHL._

They both jump up off the couch yelling, high-fiving, dancing around the room.

“I’m going to the NHL!  Fuck yeah!”  Jamie screams as he grabs Cat and pulls her in for a bear hug. 


	22. Summer Lovin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie carries her out of the water to the blanket, dropping down to his knees before setting her down. Cat pulls him to her as she lays back, and he goes willingly, his mouth seeking hers again. Cat keeps her legs wrapped around him, pulling his hips to her and Jamie slowly grinds his hips against her, seeking pressure against his hardening member.
> 
> Jamie’s brain has stopped trying to figure out the confusion being caused by the way his body is responding to Cat’s kisses, her touch. Somewhere it is registering that sex is sex, regardless of who it is with, and Jamie has been starved of this since he’d lost Kyle, starved for this kind of touch, for the feel of another body against his, for the taste of someone else’s mouth. For sex.

Jamie sits in the passenger seat looking out the window at the familiar scenery as Cat drives them toward Smoky Lake and the cabin.  He doesn’t want to go, doesn’t think he can be in the cabin because of the memories of his last time there, when he was there with Kyle for his birthday last year.  But Cat has convinced him to give it a try.  The cabin, being at the lake, has always been a happy place for him, so Jamie is going to try.  For Cat.

The cabin is musty, and a layer of dust covers everything.  No one has been here since Kyle and Jamie last August.  Jamie opens the windows and then goes around to check the generator while Cat unloads the car.  When he comes back a few minutes later, his expression is not a happy one.

“I can’t get it to start.  I think either the propane is bad, or the fuel line is just clogged.  I don’t know.  Maybe we shouldn’t stay.”

“We’ll go into town tomorrow and see about getting someone to come look at it.  We’ll be fine.  You can build a fire in the fireplace and we have lots of drinking water.”  Cat isn’t letting him get out of this that easy.

“What about using the bathroom?”

Cat grabs a bag of groceries out of the car and hands them to him, “I see a lot of trees.  Not a problem to me.”

Jamie sighs, turns and carries the groceries into the cabin.

They spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning, making up the bed, and putting the rest of their stuff away.  Jamie questions only making up one bed and Cat tells him they can sleep together without having sex, it will save on the laundry, besides she says, winking at Jamie, you’re gay. 

When they are done, Cat rummages through one of her bags and pulls out a swim suit.  She starts stripping out of her clothes as Jamie sits staring, his mouth open.

“What?  It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before.  Come on, put your suit on and let’s go cool off.”

\---

The next morning, they drive in to Smoky Lake and find a mechanic willing to come look at the generator.  By that afternoon they have electricity and running water.  They go for a run in the evening, wandering along various paths so that they circle around the lake.  Jamie is starting to relax.  It’s not as hard to be here as he thought it would be.

That night he fixes them hamburgers for dinner while Cat makes macaroni salad, at least she calls it making the salad.  Jamie calls it opening a container.  When it gets dark, they sit in front of the fire Jamie started in the fireplace and roast marshmallows. 

When they turn in for the night, Cat snuggles up tight against Jamie’s side, making him wrap his arm around her.  She leans up and gives him a kiss on the cheek when she says good-night.  And that’s how it starts.

A kiss on the cheek good-night is followed by a kiss, just a light kiss, on the lips in the morning.  Soon it is a kiss and a thank you when Jamie hands Cat her plate of food for breakfast.  And again at lunch.

Jamie is sitting playing his guitar on the porch that afternoon when Cat walks by in her swim suit.  She stops and gives him another kiss on the lips, letting her lips linger a little longer than the first time.  As she walks away, Jamie sits wide-eyed.  His brain isn’t sure what is going on or how to react, but his dick knows, and at the moment, as he watches her ass swing back and forth down the path to the lake, it is telling him there is no way he is gay.

That night Jamie goes to bed before Cat, hoping he’ll be asleep before she climbs in and curls up against him.  He lays on his side, his back to her side of the bed.  His mind is working overtime, however, and he is still awake when she crawls in next to him.  Thankfully she doesn’t evidently want to cuddle tonight as she just falls asleep with her back to him.

\---

A few days later, Jamie is jogging down the road to the cabin, having gone for an evening run by himself.  Cat is down by the lake laying on a blanket soaking up the last of the day’s sun, so Jamie heads down the path towards her.  He makes a point of shaking his sweaty head over top of her.

“Ew, gross Jay!” She squeals, sitting up as he skips into the water.  “You’re gonna get it now!”

Cat jumps up, chasing him into the cool lake water, splashing water at him with her hands.  Jamie retaliates by grabbing her and pulling her under water with him, he dunks her several times before she yells that she surrenders.

“Don’t mess with the champ, Cat.” He laughs, turning her so she is facing him in the chest deep water.

Cat wraps her legs around his waist as she lays her arms on his shoulders, leaning back into his arms so that he is holding her up in the water.

“Yeah?  So what are you going to do if I decide to do it again.”  She reaches with one hand and slaps water at his face again.

Jamie doesn’t think, he pulls her to him and locks his lips on hers.  The kiss isn’t like the soft, innocent ones they’ve been exchanging for days, it is hot, desperate, lustful.  Their lips part and their tongues seek to fill each other’s mouth, working against lips, teeth, cheeks.  Cat squeezes his waist with her legs, causing Jamie’s breath to hitch, and he pulls back.

“Fuck, Cat.” He whispers as she locks her eyes with his, giving him a look that he’s seen before.

Jamie carries her out of the water to the blanket, dropping down to his knees before setting her down.  Cat pulls him to her as she lays back, and he goes willingly, his mouth seeking hers again.  Cat keeps her legs wrapped around him, pulling his hips to her and Jamie slowly grinds his hips against her, seeking pressure against his hardening member.

Jamie’s brain has stopped trying to figure out the confusion being caused by the way his body is responding to Cat’s kisses, her touch.  Somewhere it is registering that sex is sex, regardless of who it is with, and Jamie has been starved of this since he’d lost Kyle, starved for this kind of touch, for the feel of another body against his, for the taste of someone else’s mouth.  For sex.

He lets his hand cup a breast, sliding it under the material of her bikini top, pinching the nipple between his thumb and finger, causing Cat to murmur into his mouth.  Jamie pulls his mouth away to kiss down her neck to finally push the material aside and take her nipple in his mouth, rolling the hard nub between his teeth. 

His hand roams downward to slide inside her bikini bottoms, slipping into her warmth, he slides a finger into her and starts rubbing her clit with his thumb.  Cat arches her breasts up to him, seeking more, as her hands run through his wet hair.  Jamie continues to suck on her nipples, going back and forth from one to the other, while he fucks one, then two fingers into her.  Cat’s hips are rocking up to meet his hand.

“Jay, I want you,” she moans.

Jamie pulls his mouth off her nipples, goes back to kissing her mouth before sitting back on his knees.  She pulls her legs from around him so he can slide her bikini bottoms down and off, then he pulls his shorts and jock down.  Cat sits up and pushes his shoulders.

“Lay down,” she says breathlessly.

Jamie lays back on the blanket, his hand stroking his dick as Cat straddles his hips.  She reaches down and takes his dick in her hand, guiding him to her opening.  She slides her hips down, taking him in slowly. 

Jamie’s hands hold her hips as she rests her hands against his chest.  Her hair is tangled, falling down across her shoulders and face.  Jamie drops his head back and closes his eyes as Cat starts grinding herself against him.  Cat is warm and tight around him, her ass pressing against his balls. 

Jamie’s jaw is clenched tight as he tries to hold still, to let Cat work herself up and down his hardness.  When Jamie thrusts his hips up, trying to get deeper, Cat lifts herself up and then drops down to meet his thrust.  

“Come on, Jay!  Fuck me, like you did before.  Come on!”

Jamie opens his eyes, Cat is staring at him, all lust and want and sex.  He thrusts his hips up into her, his hands pulling her hips down to meet him as he drives into her again and again.

“That’s it, come on!  Fuck me!”

Jamie groans loudly, driving in hard and holding her to him as he cums, his body shaking.  She rides him through his orgasm, pumping her hips up and down as she chases her own climax.  Finally spent, Cat falls against his chest, breathing heavily.


	23. Janet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking with Janet is helping, Jamie has to admit. He’s still mad at Kyle for leaving him, but he understands where that anger comes from now. The same place where the anger towards his parents came from, why he was madder at them than he was at the guy who caused the accident. Grief is hard to deal with he has learned, it can be all consuming if you let it, or you can learn to live with it. She told him two wise sayings she had heard in her lifetime. First, that grief is the price we pay for loving. Second, that while the pain of the loss never really goes away, you can learn to live with it a little more each day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote... rewrote... rewrote... rewrote... finally said to self... just post it already...

When they finally leave the cabin in mid-August, Jamie is still feeling confused about his relationship with Cat for several reasons.  To begin with, Jamie knows in his head that this isn’t anything more than them having sex again, at least to Cat.  He has no allusions to it being anything more than that no matter what his heart wants to think.  Then there is the confusion Jamie is feeling about his sexuality, what he thought he had figured out isn’t what he thought at all evidently. 

For as much as he enjoyed getting away for the past six weeks, Jamie is looking forward to getting home and back in to his routine of summer workouts so he can prepare for training camp which will start in just about a month.  He also desperately wants to talk to his counselor about everything that has happened with Cat. 

Talking with Janet is helping, Jamie has to admit.  He’s still mad at Kyle for leaving him, but he understands where that anger comes from now.  The same place where the anger towards his parents came from, why he was madder at them than he was at the guy who caused the accident.  Grief is hard to deal with he has learned, it can be all consuming if you let it, or you can learn to live with it.  She told him two wise sayings she had heard in her lifetime.  First, that grief is the price we pay for loving.  Second, that while the pain of the loss never really goes away, you can learn to live with it a little more each day.    

On the days between their sessions, Jamie lets her words flow through his head as he runs, much as he’d done with what he and Cat talked about right after Kyle’s death.  Jamie believes the first statement is very true, that if you love something, eventually there will be grief when you lose that love.  He thinks about Kyle and his parents and knows that he would pay that price over and over again for the kind of love they had given him.

As for the second statement, he was finding that one true as well.  His birth parents, who he barely remembered, Bill and Jean who had taken him in, and Kyle, who he had loved with his whole heart, would always be with him and the pain of losing them would always be a part of who he was.  But as the days went by that first summer without them, Jamie was able to push that pain back, to not let it consume his every thought, every day. 

And, so, things are getting better, with his counselor’s help he is learning to deal with things more and more on his own.  He knows he’ll be okay when Cat finally leaves him again, has come to that realization, as well.  Cat will leave again.  People leave you, and that is part of life. 

“You can’t avoid your past,” was her advice when he told her about not wanting to go to the cabin.  “Life goes on Jamie.”  And it was because of Janet, truth be told, that he had finally told Cat he would go.

So the day after they get home, he calls and makes an appointment to see Janet.  He needs to talk to her. 

Janet is also eager to talk to Jamie after a month and a half, she wants to know how things had gone.  To her credit as a counselor, it isn’t the first thing she asks about, but it also doesn’t take her long to get around to the topic.  She isn’t expecting their conversation to take the turn it did, however.

“So, how was the trip?  Was it as hard being there as you thought it would be?”

Jamie looks at his feet, his hands nervously playing with the hem of his shorts.

“The first couple of days were hard, but then it got better.  Cat and I, we had a lot of fun.  So it was good.”

Janet tries to read Jamie. He is fidgeting a lot, which she has come to learn means he wants to talk about something, but is not sure he should.  She also knows that he will eventually talk, because she has also learned that he is a very direct person once you got to know him.  He really did hold very little back if he thought he could trust you, and he trusts her.

“So what are your plans now?  When do you leave for California?” 

“Soon, I have development camp the first week of September and then training camp not long after that.  And I don’t really have any definite plans, yet.  Um,” Jamie looks out the window for a minute, deciding if he should talk about what is bothering him, “um, something happened up at the cabin.  I don’t, well, I don’t know what to think about it.”

“Do you want to talk about it?  Was it something that you think was bad, or that upset you?”  She guesses it is about a memory of Kyle at the lake.  She guesses wrong.

“Cat and I, well, we, um, kind of got together,” Jamie blushed, stuttering over the words.

“You had sex with Cat?” 

Jamie nods, curling his fingers into the fabric of his shorts anxiously.  They had talked during other sessions about Kyle, and Cat, and Jamie’s relationships with each of them.  About his confusion over being gay?  About Cat leaving him the first time.

“Did you want that?  You said the two of you used to have a relationship.”

“I guess.  I mean, yeah, I didn’t think about that it could happen, but then it just kind of did.  But, you know, it was confusing.  I mean, I had come to the realization that I was gay when I was with Kicks.  I thought I’d loved Cat, I mean I loved Cat before, when we did that before, but not the way I fell in love with Kicks.  So I’m gay.  I know it.  But I really, well, I really…”

“You like having sex with Cat, too.  And you find that confusing, is that it?  You’re 17, Jamie, it’s normal to be confused about the way you feel and who you are attracted to.”  This was definitely not what she had expected.  Jamie had told her he was gay, that he’d been confused at first about his feelings for Kyle, but that he was ok with everything.  They hadn’t talked about this much before, it wasn’t an issue that Jamie felt he needed to talk about.

“Why?  Kicks knew, he always knew he was gay.  So shouldn’t I know?  I mean, don’t people just know these things about themselves?  I thought I knew.”

“You told me you came to the conclusion you were gay because you looked up information on the internet, right?”  Jamie nodded.  “So I’m guessing you’ve already done some more research.”

Jamie nodded.  “Yeah.  But I’m still confused about everything, now.  I don’t know if I’m gay, if I like guys.  I’ve never wanted to kiss a guy or be with a guy except for Kicks, so maybe it was just because of Kicks, because he was gay and we were so close, and I just, well, it just happened.  Maybe I’ll never feel that way about another guy ever again.” 

“That’s possible.  What else?”

“But what if it’s the other way around?  What if I am gay, and the only reason I had sex with Cat was, well, because she was Cat and she is just, you know, a female version of Kicks pretty much.  There’s the thought in my head that I can’t think of having ever wanted to have sex with any other girls growing up, just Cat.  So I don’t know.  This would all just be so much easier if I was just straight.  That’s what everyone would want from me.”  Jamie was still fidgeting with the hem of his shorts, so she knew there was more going on.

She knew why this was important to him, it was because of what happened to Kyle when he went to play hockey in Ontario, what Jamie thinks led Kyle to kill himself.  The bullying because he was gay.  The listening to Luc St. Croix say that you can’t be gay and play professionally. 

They had talked about this, about how Jamie knew his dad said he loved him no matter what, but that Jamie knew, just knew, that his dad felt the same way as St. Croix.  Jamie had told her it had never mattered what people thought about his relationship with Kyle, but that had changed when he’d been drafted.

“Okay.  I can follow you’re reasoning.  So I am going to ask you to think about something.  You are physically attracted to Cat.  You were physically attracted to Kyle.  Right?  Those are two things you can say for a fact.”

“Yes.”

“Did you look that up online, being attracted to both men and women?”

“Being bisexual?  Yes.  But like I said, I can’t remember being attracted to any other guys or girls.  So how would I know?”

“Well, you’ve lived a pretty sheltered existence I think, and don’t get me wrong, that isn’t meant in a bad way.  You have been focused on hockey your whole life.  And well, Kyle and Cat were a part of your hockey life, so you never had to go looking for someone, for a relationship outside your comfort zone.  So not having ever been attracted to anyone besides either of them wouldn’t rule out any sexual identity for you.  Your arguments are valid for being gay, or straight, but, also for the probability that you are going to end up defining yourself as bisexual, or as I’ve heard a lot of millennials refer to themselves, as omni-sexual.  What is the one thing common to both of your relationships so far?  Not emotionally, but physically.”

Jamie thinks, tries to figure out what she means, then it dawns on him.  “Sex.”

“And you enjoyed sex with both of them.”

Jamie looks down, a grin spreading across his mouth.  “Yes.  I like sex.  Kicks would laugh at me and say he got really lucky that his boyfriend liked sex.  I liked having sex with Kicks and with Cat, too.”

“And there isn’t anything wrong with liking sex, or with liking to have sex with women and men.  And, from the smile on your face, I think you already know that.  I think, Jamie, that you are a normal teenager who is figuring out his sexual identity, and I think that maybe you’ve already figured it out if you really stop trying to analyze it too much, stop trying to fit yourself into some strict definition you seem to have based on what you’ve read or what other people tell you.”

Janet smiles at him, “Okay, I think you are getting what I’m saying.  So, here is another thing that young people, well a lot of older people, too, have a hard time grasping.  Sex does not equal love.  So here are a couple of questions to think about.”

Jamie leans forward, intent on what Janet is saying.

“If you met a man you found attractive physically, would you have sex with him?  If you met a woman you found attractive physically, would you have sex with her?”

Jamie closes his eyes, thinking about those questions.  He likes sex.  And well, sex with each gender offers some definite perks in its own way.  So this was an easy answer.

“Yes.  I would have sex with whoever, if the opportunity came up.”

“Based on that, can you see yourself in a relationship with a man in the future?  Or a woman?”

He doesn’t want another relationship, not any time soon.  But he tries to imagine his future, and he can see himself with someone, someone who makes him feel the way Kicks always made him feel.  “Yeah, I think so.  I think I could or would be in a relationship with whoever makes me happy, and that could be a guy or a girl.  So then, I’m bisexual.”

“I think, that someday, you will find another person that your heart will fall in love with, and it might be a girl, and it might be a guy.  But you will know when it happens, and I think you will be comfortable in either type of relationship.  And you don’t have to share your private life with the whole world or the whole NHL.  So go, enjoy what this adventure has to offer.”


	24. An Ending And A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie throws his bag of clothes up on the bed and tosses his equipment bag over in the corner. He sits down in one of the chairs near the window, letting his body relax after a long flight.
> 
> Jamie hadn’t been given information on who his roommate would be, the Ducks’ representative had just said that they would be rooming him with an older prospect, someone who’d been around for a couple of years who would be able to show him the ropes.
> 
> Jamie was more than a little shocked, and pleased when a familiar face walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later with just a towel draped around his waist.

Jamie knew it was coming, knew it would happen, but when it does, he’s still not ready.  He swore to himself that he knew this thing with Cat was what it was before, to her anyway, just them fucking around.  That’s what his brain said.  It wasn’t anything, just a good time.  It’s not what his heart said.

So when it happens, it is ugly.  Yelling.  Swearing.  Punching the wall.  Ugly.

“Jay, I never told you that I’d stay forever.  I said I’d be here for now.  I’m not going to California with you if that’s where you end up.”  She is packing a suitcase.

“Why not?  You said you didn’t want to go back to school, so come with me.  Or, if I get sent back down, we can live here.” 

“I’ve decided I do want to go back to school.  I’ve got a year to finish and get my degree.  Then I don’t know where I’ll end up.  I want to play hockey, maybe play in the Olympics in 2018.” 

“But, I thought.  After we,” Jamie is sitting on the bed next to her suitcase, his hands clenched together in his lap.

“After we what?  After we started fucking again?  That’s all it is, Jay.  That’s all its ever been.”  She avoids making eye contact, keeping her head down, folding her clothes and laying them in the suitcase.

“Bullshit!  Maybe last year, maybe then it was.  I’ll give you that I don’t think you felt the way I did last year, but now, you can’t tell me you don’t love me, Cat.”

Cat’s voice never falters as she calmly says, “I don’t love you, Jay.  Not the way you love me or the way you want me to love you.”

Jamie stands up so he towers over here, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her to him.  “Don’t lie to me.  You do love me. You can’t just leave.  I know you fucking love me.  I can see it.  You can’t hide the way you feel, when we’re making love.  And it’s not just fucking Cat, it’s making love.  I can see it.  You look at me the way Kyle did.”

She pulls away from him, lifting her chin defiantly and locking her eyes with his.

“Don’t you dare.  Don’t you compare this to what you had with Kyle.  It’s not the same.  I don’t love you, Jay.  You’re just seeing what you want to see. You needed someone to help you get over Kyle, that’s all I was trying to do.  I could have been anyone.”

“Fuck you!”  His heart hurts.  How can she be so fucking calm, telling him she doesn’t love him.  He can’t have read it wrong, he saw it in her eyes. 

He wants to hurt her now, make her hurt the way he does.  So he says what he knows will hurt her. 

“You know what, it’s because of your dad, isn’t it?  What, can’t go with me to the NHL, be with me, because daddy disapproves.  You’ve kept the fact you’ve been here with me hidden from him, right?  But you couldn’t do that if I make the NHL.”

“Don’t go there, Jay.  You have no clue.”

“So that must be it, hit too close to home.  See, deep down I know you just can’t stand to keep disappointing daddy.”

Cat turns and walks to the closet, trying to fight down the urge to tell him how wrong he is, to tell him how right he is, to tell him everything she is holding back from him.

“You need to leave.  I mean, from this room.  You need to go someplace else while I finish.  Because I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“Yeah, I think that’s right.  At first. I figured you really didn’t give a shit what daddy thought.  I mean, fuck, you ran off and got married, which I know pissed him off.  So, I’m kind of surprised you never flaunted me in front of him.  That would have really push him over the edge.  But, that wasn’t what you were doing.  You were trying not to disappoint him. Yeah, getting divorced less than a year later had to really disappoint him.  So why didn’t you flaunt me.  I could be just another one of your mistakes for you to beg for daddy’s forgiveness.”

Cat is reaching for a shirt in the closet, but her hand stops when he says that. 

“Get out,” she drops her chin to her chest, trying to control herself.  She knows he doesn’t mean what he’s saying.

“Fuck you!”  Jamie grabs the suitcase and tosses it across the room.  Cat flinches as it bounces off the wall near her, clothes spilling out on to the floor. “Be like the rest of them then, fucking leave me.  I don’t give a fuck anymore about you or about anybody.” 

Jamie storms out the door, she hears him punch the wall in the hallway.  She walks over and closes the door behind him, then goes and sits on the edge of the bed.

She is shaking, her hands trembling as they lay in her lap.  The tears start to fall.  She hears the thunk on the door, knows it is him, knows he is leaning against the door, thinking about coming back in.  She knows he won’t.  He is hurting, because of her, but he won’t come back in.

She sits there, crying, and says softly, so that he won’t hear, “I’m sorry, Jay.  I do love you.  I love you so much, but you need to do this alone.  You need to prove to yourself you can do this.”

Cat knows that she would stay with Jamie forever, because she does love him.  She knows, too, that because she loves him, she has to let him go. 

 ---

The Ducks regular development camp was held in early July, but several players, including Jamie were unable to attend due to prior commitments or injuries.  The Ducks decided to hold a second, smaller camp, prior to the start of training camp. 

Jamie swipes the room key, opens the door and walks in.  There is a suitcase open on one of the beds, some clothes tossed around, and a couple of pairs of shoes by the nightstand.  The bathroom door is open and there is someone in the shower.

“Hello?”

A voice comes from the shower, “Uh, hello?  Marsh?”

“Yeah.”

“Been expecting you.  Be out in a few.  Make yourself at home.” 

Jamie throws his bag of clothes up on the bed and tosses his equipment bag over in the corner.  He sits down in one of the chairs near the window, letting his body relax after a long flight.

Jamie hadn’t been given information on who his roommate would be, the Ducks’ representative had just said that they would be rooming him with an older prospect, someone who’d been around for a couple of years who would be able to show him the ropes.

Jamie was more than a little shocked, and pleased when a familiar face walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later with just a towel draped around his waist.

“Helgy?  Holy shit, why didn’t you say it was you in there!”

Kenton Helgesen strides over to pull Jamie into a hug.  “Welcome to the Ducks!  I didn’t say anything cause the look on your face is priceless, wanted to surprise you.”

Kenton Helgesen isn’t a close friend, but Jamie knows him well enough to at least call him a friend.  They have played against each other for several years, including the past two in the WHL.  Helgy is, or was, a winger for the Calgary Hitmen.  And he was from Alberta, too, which meant to Jamie that he was from home.

Helgesen is 21 years old, 6’ 3”, 193 pounds, has long dark hair and dark eyes.  Kenton plays left wing like Jamie.  Drafted in 2012, this is his fourth year at development camp.  Early this year, he’d suffered a foot injury that wasn’t healing as fast as expected, so he’d had limited participation in the other camp.  He was hoping this time to be able get on the ice.

“Sorry to hear about your parents.”  Kenton said as he flopped down on his bed.  “My dad thought a lot of Bill.”

“Thanks.”

They spend the rest of the afternoon chatting about the WHL, the Ducks, and home.  Jamie had been worried about coming to Anaheim, about being on his own for the first time.  But he knew his roommate, they got along with each other, and so, he things were starting off well. 

Helgesen takes him out to dinner that night, to a nice quiet restaurant he discovered a couple of years ago.  It is quiet and relaxing, and Jamie feels good about his life at the moment.


	25. Training Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, Jamie, we’d like you to get some more development before we bring you to Anaheim. We were really impressed with your skill and level of commitment, but we just think you can use a little time, to adjust to the faster pace of the game and the hitting.” Coach Boudreau is shuffling through some papers while he talks.
> 
> This is it, Jamie thinks, they’re sending you back to Edmonton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short...

Jamie discovers that this really isn’t a development camp in the true sense of that term, this is more of a pre-training camp training camp for players the Ducks are expecting to play for their AHL affiliate the San Diego Gulls.  Jamie doesn’t have any allusions about making that team, though, he knows that he is here because he missed the other camp.

So, while most of the others are on the ice or working off-ice on strength and conditioning, Jamie spends part of each morning in a room with three others, learning about the league, financial management, housing arrangements, and everything that a young player entering the league would need to know.  It is boring as hell. 

Jamie has also been meeting the Ducks’ staff, and so far he likes everyone.  Bruce Boudreau, the head coach, seems to be really impressed with Jamie’s back-checking skill.  So the first two days of being a Duck are an overall great experience.  Jamie is sure it can only get better once training camp starts the following week.

\---

Training camp starts on the 18th of September.  Jamie starts the first couple of days playing on the “B” squad.  Kenton sits and watches from the bench, his foot not allowing him to get on the ice yet.

Saturday night after practice, they go out to dinner with a bunch of the other players then head back to their room.  Jamie sits down with his laptop and inserts the thumb drive the team gave him.  On it are game videos and plays for Jamie to study.

“You wanna watch with me?”  Kenton is changing into a pair of shorts when Jamie looks up from his computer.

“I don’t think I need to.  Pretty sure I’m gonna get sent back down again this year.  Fucking foot.”  Kenton climbs up next to Jamie on the bed any way.  Sitting so that his shoulder is touching Jamie’s, and their legs are touching, stretched out on the bed side-by-side.

Jamie shifts his computer so that it is between them, resting partly on both their laps.  There is a familiarity about this to him, images of sitting with Kyle watching different videos flash through his head.  He can feel himself getting aroused.  Shit.

“Uh, excuse me,” he pushes the laptop over and gets up, hoping Kenton doesn’t notice the bulge in his sweats as he heads into the bathroom.

\---

Monday at practice, Jamie moves up to the “A” squad.  The coaches want to see him play with some of the regular lines.  Jamie does pretty good, even scoring a couple of times on Andersen.  Jamie, however,

doesn’t make the list of players who will dress for the first preseason game against Colorado on Tuesday.

Jamie does get to start on Friday night in Anaheim against the Los Angeles Kings.  His game doesn’t go so well, though.  He has a hard time moving the puck.  They check a lot harder at this level he learns, and they don’t cut any slack to a rookie. 

That night he is back at the hotel, for the first time feeling lonely.  He wishes he had Kyle, or his dad, or even Cat, to talk to about how the game went. 

Kenton senses that Jamie is upset, “Hey, it was your first game.  Don’t worry.  You did okay.”

“Thanks.  I know.  I was just thinking, wishing,” Jamie gazes out the window at the bright lights of the hotel parking lot and nearby expressway. “I wish that I had my dad, or my best friend, to talk to about all this.  It would help.”

“St. Croix?  Your friend?  That was too bad about his accident.”  Kenton comes over and sits on the bed next to Jamie’s legs.  “I heard about it, somebody on my team said you two were really close.”

“We were.”  He’s not going to go into any details about it not being an accident. 

“If it would help,” Kenton lays a hand down on Jamie’s thigh, “I’m a pretty good listener.”

Jamie tenses for a moment.  Does he know about Jamie and Kyle?  Did he see Jamie get a boner the other night?  Is he wanting to do more than just listen?

Jamie turns to look at Kenton whose eyes are dark, and warm, and friendly, but there is no sign of attraction or desire there.  Jamie relaxes.  And he spends two hours talking, while Kenton listens.  When he finally falls asleep that night, he is feeling much better about the game.

\---

Jamie plays in one more preseason game.  It is not as bad as the first game, but it isn’t great by any means.  But evidently his play has been enough to get him a chance.

A couple of days after the last preseason game, Jamie is sitting in Boudreau’s office along with Dallas Eakins, the Gulls’ head coach, and some of the other coaches.

“So, Jamie, we’d like you to get some more development before we bring you to Anaheim.  We were really impressed with your skill and level of commitment, but we just think you can use a little time, to adjust to the faster pace of the game and the hitting.” Coach Boudreau is shuffling through some papers while he talks.

This is it, Jamie thinks, they’re sending you back to Edmonton.

“Dallas, do you have his paperwork?”

Eakins looks through his pile and pulls out some a packet of papers stapled together.  He hands them to Jamie.

“Right,” Boudreau continues.  “We are going to assign you to San Diego.  We don’t think it will take long for you to maybe be ready to come up, so we don’t want to send you back to Edmonton.  Coach Tyler has offered to let you stay with him if you’d like.  We think it would be a good idea, give you some stability and mentoring while you are in San Diego.”

Jamie can hardly contain his excitement.  “Thank you!”

He stands and shakes their hands, thanking them all again.

“We’ll drive down to San Diego tomorrow, there’s some paper work in your packet you’ll need to complete, and then some meetings tomorrow before we go.  As for now, why don’t you go pack up your equipment.  We can load it in my truck today and I’ll take it home with me tonight.”  Zach says as they walk out of the office together.

When he gets back to the hotel, Kenton is there and looks very dejected.  Jamie tosses his paperwork down on his bed and goes to sit next to the older boy. 

“Where?”

“Utah.  ECHL.”

“That’s not that bad.  You’ll be up in San Diego as soon as your foot heals and you can play.  Hey, since it’s our last night together, what say we order room service and watch a movie?”

Jamie orders dinner and takes a quick shower while Kenton slips out to run an errand he says.  He comes back with a six-pack of beer and a bag of stuff from a drug store down the street.  They sit on the bed and eat their dinner, each drinking a couple of beers, then find a war movie on TV to watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my AU, players 18 & 19 can be sent to AHL instead of having to be sent back their junior teams.


	26. San Diego

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is sore, there is no doubt his body is not use to this type of punishment. At the moment, he is very thankful that his newest roommate is an athletic trainer. Zach’s hands work the muscles of Jamie’s shoulder as he lies on his stomach on the bed in Zach’s room.

Playing in San Diego is a lot different than playing for the Oil Kings, everything moves quicker, the goalies are tougher, and the hits are much more frequent and much harder.  The first two weeks with them is a true learning experience for Jamie. 

Jamie is sore, there is no doubt his body is not use to this type of punishment.  At the moment, he is very thankful that his newest roommate is an athletic trainer.  Zach’s hands work the muscles of Jamie’s shoulder as he lies on his stomach on the bed in Zach’s room. 

“How’s this?” Zach kneads the muscle just above Jamie’s shoulder blade.

“God.”  Jamie winces.  “My back is a mess.”

“You know, you’re in pretty good shape, but we should get you started on a stricter conditioning program.  And nutrition, you need to make fewer trips to McDonalds.”

“Look, I can’t find a fuckin’ Tim Hortons here to save my life, you aren’t taking MickeyD’s from me, too.”

“I just said fewer trips.”  Zach’s hands move down Jamie’s spine.  “Come on, roll over, we’ll stretch out your hammies.”

Jamie flips over onto his back, watching Zach stand up.  Jamie raises his left leg, letting Zach grab his foot and ankle.  Zach pushes Jamie’s leg towards his upper body, keeping it extended, stretching the muscles up the back of Jamie’s thigh.  Jamie looks up at him, his eyes going over Zach’s face and body.  In the short time he’s known Zach, he’s discovered that he likes looking at him.  Zach is pretty easy on the eyes, he thinks.

Zach has been a coach and trainer with the Gulls for two years.  He played some college hockey, but had no thoughts of ever going professional.  He not quite as tall as Jamie at only 6 feet, but he’s stockier than Jamie.  Zach is 26, never been married, and not dating anyone as far as Jamie knows.  Zach’s brown hair, brown eyes, and deeply tanned skin make him look younger than he is.

The first two days after Jamie moved in, he got up and went for a run by himself first thing in the morning.  By the third day, Zach was up and running with him.  They had some similar interests it seemed, running being one of them.  They also found that they preferred to spend off nights just hanging around the house.  Neither of them being a social butterfly.

\---

The Gulls start the 2015-16 season off on fire, going 6-1 in October.  Jamie has three goals and three assists over the first seven games, which Zach says isn’t bad, but that Jamie can be better.  Under the coach’s guidance, Jamie changes his work-out and conditioning routine and nutrition plan.  He now eats the healthy food, in addition to all the junk food he puts away, of course, but it is a start.

\---

“Come on Marsh, you gotta help me out here,” Nic Kerdiles, another forward with the Gulls says to Jamie after practice one day late in October.  “She said she’d go out with me but only if I brought someone for her friend.”

“And you thought of me, how kind of you.”

“No, she did.  Said her friend thought you were cute.  Please.  I really need to go out with this girl.”

“Fine.  Tomorrow at 6 pm you said.  You’ll pick me up.  I’ll suffer through a date.”  Jamie wraps his arms around Nic’s shoulders.  “Only for you, Kerdy.”

The next night Jamie waits patiently for Nic to pick him up, then they pick up the girls. 

“Jamie this is Amanda,” Nic introduces Jamie to Nic’s date.      

Amanda turns to the very tall young woman standing next to her, “And this is Toni.”

“Nice to meet you.”  she says giving Jamie a hug.  She is tall, almost as tall as Jamie.  Her skin is the color of hot chocolate, her eyes dark brown, her smile warm and inviting, her hair a mass of tight, spring-like coils.  “Hope you hug, I come from a family of huggers.”

Jamie hugs her back, “Nice meeting you.  And so did I.”

Jamie holds the door for Toni as she slides in to the backseat of Nic’s car.  Nic holds the door on his side for Amanda, once the girls are in the car, Nic gives Jamie a look of surprise and mouths ‘Sorry, I didn’t know.’  Jamie isn’t sure what he means, but he has a guess.

They take the girls out to a nice Italian restaurant, then to a club because the girls want to go dancing.  The club owner knows Nic, and knows that Jamie is underage, he’s a Gulls fan after all.  He lets them in, having the Gulls frequent his club is good for business. 

Nic offers to get Jamie a beer, which he declines and gets a bottled water instead.  Jamie gets to know Toni between dances as they sit side-by-side in a booth.  Toni is 21-year-old junior at the University of California San Diego, where she is going on a basketball scholarship.  She grew up in San Francisco, and is majoring in pre-med, which Jamie finds impressive.  He is having a great time, much better than he expected.  A couple of hours later, Jamie and Toni are slow dancing and she is lazily running her hands up and down his back.

“So, is Toni your full name or just a nickname?”

“It’s short for Toniqua.  I like just Toni.” she nuzzles into his neck.  “Jamie is a nickname?”

“Yep.  James Robert.”

“Want to come back to my place, James Robert?” she leans in and whispers in his ear, then starts sucking on his earlobe, which sends sensations down Jamie’s spine right to his dick.

“Yeah.” he says, sliding a hand down to her ass.  “If you want me to.” It been a while and the way his body is reacting to her touch, it’s been too long.

She pulls away from him and takes his hand, leading him off the dance floor, stopping only to tell Nic and Amanda that they are going.  The look Nic flashes Jamie confirms what he thought earlier, that and the look of disgust Nic gives Toni as she walks away. She calls for a ride through Uber and in short order they are back at her apartment, where Jamie ends up spending the night.

He wakes up the next morning on his back with her arm and leg draped across his body.  He tries not to wake her as he slips out from underneath them, but she stirs.

“Good morning,” she smiles up at him.

“Morning.  I was just,” Jamie is looking for his pants, he knows he made it to the bedroom with them on, unlike his shirt which is somewhere between the bedroom and the front door.

“Over by the chair.” she points across the room as she sits up.

“Thanks.  What time is it?”

“Seven.  I suppose you have to get going?”  Toni stands, goes to a dresser and pulls out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that she slips on.

“Only seven?  Uh, no, I don’t have to rush out.  I just have to be at practice by 10 so I can get in a warm-up before hitting the ice.”  Jamie steps into his briefs and pants, leaving the belt undone.

Toni smiles, pleasantly surprised that Jamie isn’t running out right away.  “I can make us some breakfast if you’d like.  And if you want, you can grab a shower.”

Jamie pauses for a moment, his eyes taking in her body, remembering how it glistened with sweat last night, how warm and inviting her arms were, the feel of her legs wrapped around his waist as he rocked his hips into her.  He mind jerks back to the present when he sees her staring at his crotch, his dick starting to tent his pants at just the thought of her.

“How about we take a shower together and, if I have time, we can fix breakfast.”  Jamie holds his hand out to her.

She takes it as she walks past, leading him into the bathroom.  “Deal.”

\---

“I’m really sorry about last night,” Nic says to him later that day as they are getting dressed after practice, “I didn’t know.”

“What?  Sorry for what?”  Jamie sits down to put on his shoes.

“I didn’t know she was black, or I wouldn’t have agreed to set you up.  Then when you went home with her, I was shocked.  But I guess if you close your eyes a fuck is a fuck.   Well I mean, I wouldn’t have, even with my eyes closed.  I don’t think I’ll go out with Amanda again either.  Not the type I want to hang out with.”

“I thought she was gorgeous, actually, Nic.  And if that’s the way you feel, don’t bother setting me up again.  You’re not the type I want to hang out with.”  Jamie stands up and walks out of the locker room. Leaving Nic to stand there and fume.

\---

By the beginning of November, Jamie and Zach have settled into a comfortable routine around the apartment.  They share laundry, cleaning and cooking duties, and Zach has told Jamie he can use his car any time he wants.   Jamie is feeling good about life for the first time in a while, and his hockey starts to show it.  Over the first four games in November, Jamie has four goals and two assists, as the Gulls go 3-1.

Since his date with Toni, Jamie hasn’t gone out with anyone else.  Zach isn’t dating anyone either. Jamie is pretty sure that Zach is either gay or bisexual, it being more of a feeling than having any concrete proof.  There is something about the way Zach looks at him sometimes, or how he seems to get nervous when he helps Jamie stretch after a run.  And then there is the way Zach let’s his knee touch against Jamie’s when they sit beside each other on the couch, watching game film or doing statistical analysis.

It is a couple of weeks after the double date, Jamie is laying on the floor trying to stretch his back out while they are watching Supernatural on the DVR.  Zach watches Jamie twist and turn a few times, noticing the face he makes, like he’s in pain.

“When did it happen and why haven’t you said anything,” Zach gets up and then kneels down beside Jamie.  “Come on, roll over.”

“At San Jose, when I got boarded late in the third period.  And I thought it was just a bruise, but it’s started to stiffen up on me.”  Jamie rolls onto his stomach.

Zach pushes Jamie’s shirt up, bunching it around his shoulders.  Slowly and deliberately he starts working up and down Jamie’s spine, using his thumbs to massage the taught muscles.  After a few minutes he switches and presses his palms down onto Jamie’s back, pushing as he slides his hands out from Jamie’s spine towards his sides.

“Jesus, you are tight.”

“Mmmmm….” Jamie feels much better, Zach working the stiffness out of his back.

Zach switches back to using his fingers, rubbing small circles just under Jamie’s shoulder blades and then back down along his spine.  After a bit he slips his hands up under Jamie’s t-shirt to knead his shoulder muscles.  Jamie props himself up and pulls his t-shirt off to give Zach more access. 

At some point, Jamie starts to feel like this is more than just a trainer giving a player a massage to work the soreness out of their muscles.  Zach’s hands work up and down Jamie’s body, slow, long, sensual strokes intermixed with hard, deep kneading in one spot. 

Zach’s hands run down Jamie’s spine, across his shoulders and back down his sides, stopping at the top of his shorts.  When they stay there for a minute, Jamie twists so he can see Zach, who is staring at his hands and at Jamie’s ass.

Zach catches Jamie looking and he sits back, taking his hands off Jamie and letting them fall to his sides.  “I, uh, I think that’s enough for now.  How’s that feel?”

“Better,” Jamie says, rolling over on to his back, then sitting up but keeping his head tipped down, so he is looking at Zach through his eyelashes.  Jamie is sure he is reading Zach right, so he leans towards him and brushes his lips against Zach’s.  “Thanks.”

Zach pulls back, “Jamie?”

“Was I wrong to do that?”

“No.  I want,” Zach shakes his head, “we can’t.  We just can’t.  You’re a player.”

“So.”

“And you’re only 18.”

“You are correct with that one, too.  So what?”

“I’m your coach, it’s just wrong.  What if somebody found out.  And if they found out we’re gay, that’s not going to help either of our careers.”

“I don’t care.  Besides, nobody has to find out, I’m sure as hell not going to tell anyone.  And, I like you.  I think you like me, or at least you want to fuck me.  So why not?”  Jamie leans forward and kisses Zach again.  This time Zach doesn’t pull away, but presses back into the kiss, opening his mouth to Jamie’s prying tongue.


	27. Zach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t Kyle, this is Zach. Zach has started thrusting, meeting Jamie’s hips as he rocks back. Jamie buries his face in the pillow. It’s not Kyle. It’s not Kyle. The words playing over and over again in his brain.

The first time they are together, they end up just giving each other blowjobs.  Zach acts guilty for a couple of days, avoiding Jamie when they aren’t at the arena, not even getting up to go run with Jamie.  When they are at the house, Zach just goes to his room and closes the door.  Jamie is worried that he screwed things up by pushing himself at Zach.

On November 13th and 14th, they play back-to-back home games against San Jose, losing both games.  After the second loss, Zach drives them home in silence.  They walk through the front door, Jamie kicks off his shoes and starts towards the kitchen, expecting Zach to just sulk off to his room again.  He’s taken by surprise when Zach pushes him against the wall and starts kissing his neck.

“Fuck.  I’ve tried, but fuck it.”  Zach slides his hands around Jamie’s waist and starts undoing his belt.  “God I want you.”

“I thought you were mad,” Jamie says, turning around, reaching for Zach’s belt.  “I was going to start looking for a new place to live.”

Zach stretches up, bringing their mouths together.  The kiss is hot, wet, desperate.  Jamie lets go of Zach’s belt to shrug out of his jacket as Zach alternates from kissing his mouth, to his jaw, to his neck.  Zach slides his hand down Jamie’s pants once he has the belt undone, palming Jamie’s dick through his brief.

“Fuck,” Jamie moans as he leans his head back against the wall.  “We need to…”

“Yeah,” Zach yanks his hand out and grabs Jamie’s wrist, pulling him to Zach’s bedroom.

When they get there, they manage to get their clothes off between kisses and pawing at each other.  Jamie is mouthing at Zach’s ear, tugging at it with his teeth, then sucking on the lobe.  Zach’s hands are clutching Jamie’s ass, pulling their hips together as he grinds his hard dick against Jamie’s.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jamie declares as he tries to back himself towards the bed, tugging at Zach’s shoulders.  “Please.”

Zach brings his hands to Jamie’s chest and pushes him towards the bed, turning him so Jamie has to lie down on his stomach.  Zach opens the nightstand drawer and takes out some lube and a condom.  Jamie has settled himself on his knees with his upper body resting on his shoulders, his arms wrapped around a pillow, his hands gripping the fabric of the pillow case.

Zach opens the condom and gives his dick a few strokes to get it harder before he slides it on.  Then he squirts some lube over Jamie’s opening.  When he runs a finger over it, spreading the lube, Jamie lets out a low moan.

“No.  Don’t need that.  Just fuck me.  Come on, Zach.” Jamie pushes his hips back, seeking Zach.  He’s aching to feel the stretch, the fullness of getting fucked.  If it had been too long since he’d been with a girl when he was with Toni, it had been way too long since he’d been fucked. 

Zach hesitated, until Jamie raised his head and looked back at him.  “Fuck me!  Come on, Zach!”

Zach clenches his hands down on Jamie’s hips as he lined his dick up with Jamie’s opening.  He started to push in, slowly, trying to let Jamie adjust to his girth as the first the tip and then the whole head of his dick slid past the tight rim.  Zach sucks his breath in when Jamie rocked himself back, forcing all of Zach deep into his ass.

“Jesus.” Zach groans, trying not to just come right then, Jamie’s ass tight around him.

Jamie starts rocking back and forth, fucking himself on Zach’s dick.  This is what he likes, what Kyle found out he liked and would give him.  He can picture himself at the lake with Kyle that last summer, Kyle fucking him like this so many times. 

“God damn, Jamie,” Zach’s voice brings him back to the moment. 

This isn’t Kyle, this is Zach.  Zach has started thrusting, meeting Jamie’s hips as he rocks back.  Jamie buries his face in the pillow.  It’s not Kyle.  It’s not Kyle.  The words playing over and over again in his brain.  He stops rocking, letting Zach continue to pound his ass, the sound of his balls slapping against Jamie the only sound in the room.  It’s not Kyle.  The tears well in his eyes.

“Jamie, I’m gonna,” Zach thrusts in hard, burying himself as deep as he can into Jamie as his body shudders.  He thrusts a few times as he cums, then pulls out, collapsing on the bed next to Jamie, who also lets his body go limp.  That’s when Zach realizes Jamie is quietly sobbing into the pillow.

“Jamie?  Oh my god, did I hurt you?  What’s wrong?”

Jamie shifts, rolling on to his side to face away from Zach.  “No.  I’m fine.”

Zach snugs himself up to Jamie’s back, sliding an arm under Jamie’s body and laying the other one across him, pulling Jamie’s back tight to his chest.  “What’s wrong?  Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?  I knew we shouldn’t have done this.”

“No.  It was, fuck, Zach, it was great, what I wanted, it’s just,” Jamie whispers through his sobs.  He rolls over to face Zach, letting Zach keep him encased in his arms, then Jamie tells Zach about Kyle.  When he gets done, when he tells him about Kyle committing suicide, Jamie’s voice falters.  Zach kisses the tears on Jamie’s cheeks, and just pulls him tight to his body, holding him until Jamie falls asleep.

\---

The next morning, Jamie wakes up around 5:30.  At some point, Zach go him under the bed covers.  Zach is next to him, on his back, sleeping peacefully.  Jamie gives him a few nudges, until Zach opens his eyes, stretches and yawns.

“Hey.” Zach says sleepily.  “Okay this morning?”

“Yeah.  We going for a run?”

“You want to?  No practice today, we could stay in bed for a while and then go.”

“Nah, let’s go now before it gets too hot.”  Jamie gives him a quick peck on the cheek and gets up. 

Zach watches Jamie leave his bedroom, obviously going to his own room to get changed.  Zach gets up, uses the bathroom, puts on his running clothes and walks out to the front door.  Jamie is waiting for him, already stretching.  Zach does a few quick stretches as well and they head out.

Jamie doesn’t say much while they run, and Zach lets him run in silence for the most part.  When they get home, Zach’s going to tell Jamie that last night was a mistake, and that maybe Jamie should find a new place to live.  What happens instead, is that Jamie leads Zach to Zach’s bedroom, strips his clothes, strips Zach’s clothes, and then leads Zach into the shower.

“Last night,” Jamie says as he starts soaping Zach’s chest, “I was just... You’re only the second guy I’ve ever been with, I couldn’t, I didn’t realize that I would, I think...”

“You must have been very close to Kyle, loved him very much. I’m sorry.  You don’t need to do this, if you don’t want.”

Jamie kisses Zach.  “I want to. I want this, with you.”

"I was going to tell you that it was a one time thing, after last night.  I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"It may just take me a little time, to work things out in my head.  But I know that I want to do this.  And I know, part of what is bothering you isn't that I had a meltdown last night, so I'll say it again, it's nobody's business if we're together."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."


	28. Getting the Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach looks at Jamie as he ends the call. Jamie is flushed red and beaming from ear-to-ear.
> 
> “I’m going to Anaheim!”

At the arena or in public, their relationship is strictly professional, while at home, it is strictly sex, or at least that’s what Jamie tells himself.  That’s also what he tells his counselor, a woman who Janet recommended.  And god bless Janet, who forwarded all her notes and Jamie’s records so he wouldn’t have to recount everything that had happened to his new counselor.

“I like Zach,” he says, on one of the days he can actually meet with his counselor in person, “but I don’t love him.  I’m not sure I’m ready, or I guess I’m not sure I can love someone yet.  Not the way I loved Kicks.”

“Are you afraid of falling in love again?” she asks.

“I don’t know.  Janet said once that grief is the price we pay for loving.  I’m just not sure I’m ready to pay that price yet.”

“That’s understandable.  But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”  Even more so than Janet, this woman makes Jamie face his emotions, his fears. 

“Maybe.”

“What are you afraid of, Jamie.  Why are you hesitant to let yourself love someone?”

“Because everyone I love leaves me.”

\---

The two losses to San Jose are start of a six game losing streak that takes the Gulls to Thanksgiving.  But, while the Gulls as a team are struggling, Jamie is on fire.  Except for a game against Stockton, where the Gulls are shut-out, Jamie has at least one goal in every game.  In a 7-4 loss to Grand Rapids, Jamie has two goals and two assists.  Over the six games, Jamie has eight goals and four assists, which doesn’t go unnoticed in Anaheim.

Jamie has no doubt that his success is due in great part to Zach.  Having Zach in his life is like having his dad around again, in the sense that Jamie has his own personal coach again.  Zach spends time after practices to work on extra skills with Jamie, and some of the other players, of course, but at least some of the time is always spent one-on-one with Jamie.  At home they review game films and Zach helps Jamie with extra conditioning. Under Zach’s tutelage Jamie is excelling, living up to all the potential his dad always saw in him.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the Gulls lose to Texas.  On the way home, Jamie is practically bouncing in the passenger seat.

“Hey, did you hear Anaheim put Rakell on IR?  Do you think they’ll call somebody up?”

“Maybe.  Why?  You think it should be you?”  Zach smiles at Jamie.  “I don’t know.  There are some better guys here that have been waiting to get the chance for a long time.”

“Better?  Really?”

Zach laughs.  “I think you stand as good a chance as anybody to get called up at this point.  There’s been a lot of talk between the coaching staffs, your name keeps coming up.”

“Fuck yeah!”

When they get home, Jamie is still all nervous energy and he gets Zach to fuck him on the couch barely ten minutes after they are in the door.  After they clean up the couch, and themselves, they finally head into the bedroom they are now sharing.  Jamie curls up next to Zach, resting his head on Zach’s chest while Zach lazily runs his fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“You know what I’ve discovered about you?  You fuck like you play hockey?”

Jamie tips his head to look at Zach, “What does that mean?”

“I mean that you play with this wild intensity, with a confidence in your skills that you only see in a few players your age.  And you fuck the same way, you know what you like and you aren’t shy about asking for it.  I don’t think even now that I have that kind of confidence.” 

Jamie can feel his face flush, the warmth starting at the tip of his ears and spreading down.  “I guess I’ve been told something like that before, well more like I’m a competitive bastard even when I’m fucking.” 

Zach has noticed something else about Jamie over the two weeks since their relationship became physical, but he keeps this observation to himself.  Jamie seems to have matured overnight, going from a nervous teenager, who evidently from what Jamie has told him, was on his own for the very first time, to a confident young man off the ice as well. 

Jamie seems more sure of himself, more independent, surprisingly, as their relationship grows.  As far as young players go, Jamie has grown in maturity to a level you find in those few players who make it into the league at 18.  Zach knows that if Anaheim does call-up Jamie, he is likely to stay there for the rest of the season.

\---

Jamie is a Canadian hockey player, well technically, he’d been born in the states, but he grew up in Canada.  He observes Canadian holidays.  Thanksgiving is in October, not November.  He is not going to turn down a home-cooked turkey dinner just because of that, however.  So he had happily agreed to go when Zach had invited him to a family dinner at Zach’s sister’s house.

Jamie is sitting on the couch next to Zach, watching a football game after dinner.  Sheryl and her husband Scott Markinson live in Escondido, about 45 minutes from where Zach and Jamie live in San Diego.  It is getting late in the evening and they have to head home soon because they have a game the next day.

Jamie’s cell phone rings and he recognizes Dallas Eakins number. 

“Coach.  Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving, Jamie.  I have some good news for you.  You’re being reassigned.”

“No way!”  Jamie sits up straight.  “Are you kidding me?”

“You need to report in Anaheim for morning skate tomorrow by 7:30 am.  Is that going to be a problem?”

“No. Uh, no sir.”  Jamie was in shock.  He didn’t know what to say.

“Okay.  I’m going to have someone text you the number for a car service.  They can pick you up later tonight and take you to Anaheim.  The Ducks will put you up in a hotel and they’ll get you to the center in the morning.”

Zach looks at Jamie as he ends the call.  Jamie is flushed red and beaming from ear-to-ear.

“I’m going to Anaheim!”

\---

Jamie doesn’t play for the first week after he’s called up, but is instead a healthy scratch for the four games during that week.  Finally, on Sunday, December 6th, Jamie makes his NHL debut in a 2-1 win against the Pittsburgh Penguins. 

Jamie sits in his stall in the Anaheim locker room after the game, riding the adrenaline high of his first NHL start.  Jamie hadn’t gotten any points, but he felt that he’d played solid hockey for the six minutes he’d been on the ice.  He’d gotten to be on the ice for one shift against Crosby’s line, too.  Hopefully, he’s shown the coaches he can play with the big boys, which will hopefully lead to more starts, more ice time, and the chance to stay in Anaheim for the rest of the season.

Some of the older guys, Ryan Kesler, Clay Stoner, Jakob Silfverberg, Nate Thompson, are standing around talking after Jamie comes back from his shower.  Stoner finally brakes away from them and comes over to Jamie.

“Hey, kid.  Good game tonight.  We were all thinking that we haven’t really welcomed you to the team properly, what with two games in the week you’ve been here.  We’ve got a four day break this week and a day off on Wednesday.  We were talking about getting a hotel suite where you and some of the other guys are and having a team party.  Celebrate your first game and all.  You up for that?”

“Hell, yeah!  That would be great.  I’d like to get to know everybody better while I’m here.”  They are also getting close to the anniversary date of Kyle’s death and Jamie thinks the party will help take his mind off that for a bit.

“Great.  We’ll set it up and take care of everything.  See you tomorrow, kid.”  Stoner ruffles Jamie’s hair and walks away.

So far everyone in the Ducks organization has been nice to him.  For the most part all of his teammates have been friendly.  Kesler gave him a few odd looks at practice, but hasn’t been rude to Jamie or said anything mean to him.  Carl Hagelin is really nice.  He is new to the Ducks, too, coming from the Rangers in an off-season trade.  Hags, as he tells Jamie to call him, is staying at the hotel, also. Ryan Getzlaf, the Captain, has spent time with him after practices, making sure Jamie is getting settled on the team. 

Jamie can’t wait to get back to the hotel to call Zach and tell him about the game, and the party.  He finishes getting dressed and grabs some food for later.  Hags is waiting by the locker room door for him so they can share a ride back to the hotel.  Hags doesn’t say anything during the ride, well, he doesn’t get a chance to say anything because Jamie is talking a mile a minute he us still so wound up.  Hags can remember that kind of youthful excitement, so he lets Jamie talk.


	29. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The elevator doors open. Jamie’s brain says turn right to go to his room, but his body is turned to the left instead. He tries to protest and go the other way, but strong hands wrap around him and usher him down the hallway.
> 
> “Just a little initiation to the team, Marsh. You’re gonna love it, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read Part I of this series, this is a chapter that starts the events in Anaheim. 
> 
> If you haven't read Part I, in this chapter Jamie is "initiated" by a couple of teammates. He is drunk, the line for consent blurred, or completely obliterated, which is why I ended up adding tag for sexual assault...
> 
> Warning - to me it is intense, so if this is a trigger for you in any way - skip this chapter....

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

“Marsh, your fucking cup is empty!  Let me fill that for you, kid!”  Jamie isn’t sure which teammate grabs the red solo cup from his hand, but when it comes back it is filled with beer again.

“Thanks, man!” he slurs out the words, well on his way past drunk and headed towards totally shitfaced.  This isn’t like him.  He doesn’t drink this much.  In Edmonton, he’d only ever had a few beers at any of the secret parties he and his teammates would have.  The last time he drank more than that was also the last time he had drank any alcohol, the night he’d gotten the DUI.

So Jamie hadn’t had any alcohol since then.  But tonight, this is different.  He is in the NHL and his teammates are throwing a party to welcome him.  This is a night to go ahead and have a few.

Unfortunately, a few turns into a lot.  Jamie usually does good at monitoring his drinks, but at some point, he’s lost track.  Drinking from a cup is different than having bottles to count.  All he knows is that his cup never seems to stay empty for long.

About an hour later, he is leaning against the wall, glassy-eyed and looking like he is about to tip over.  He feels an arm slide around his waist.

“Hey there, Marsh.  You look like you’ve had enough for tonight.  How about I get you back to your room?”

“Kes!  Hey man!  I’m fine.”  Is what he thinks he says, but all Kesler hears is his name and some jumbled sounds.

“Okay, kid, come on.  Let’s get out of here.”  On the way out, Kesler nods at Silfverberg, who gets up and follows them out.

In the elevator, Jamie drapes his arms over Kessler’s shoulders as he turns his body and presses up against the older man.  A drunk Jamie it seems is a very cuddly Jamie, and evidently a very horny Jamie as well.

“Mmmm…. Thanks for the party.  It was great.”  Jamie nuzzles into Kessler’s neck.  “I need to thank you guys for making me feel welcome, huh.”

“I think we can find a way for you to thank us,” Kesler whispers into Jamie’s ear. 

Jamie nuzzles in tighter, “Okay.”

The elevator doors open.  Jamie’s brain says turn right to go to his room, but his body is turned to the left instead.  He tries to protest and go the other way, but strong hands wrap around him and usher him down the hallway.

“Just a little initiation to the team, Marsh.  You’re gonna love it, baby.”

Jamie leans against Kesler while Silfverberg opens the door, then the two of them wrangle Jamie in to the room.  Kesler pushes Jamie up against the wall.

“So, kid, we have this… tradition… here in Anaheim.  Rookies give the vets a blow job after they play in their first game.  So, what do you think, time to pay up?”

“Mmmm…. I don’t think I… umm…. okay…”  Kesler steps back and Jamie drops to his knees.  His hands fumble with Kesler’s jeans for a minute before Kesler pushes them away and undoes his own jeans and pulls them down.

As soon as Kesler’s cock is free, Jamie wraps his hand around the base.  He slips the head into his mouth and starts sucking and licking.  Jamie works Kesler in and out of his mouth, but his movements are uncoordinated.  

“Yeah, I heard you liked doing this.  So fucking eager.” Kesler laces his fingers in Jamie’s hair and pulls.  “Come on, take it all.”

Jamie drops his hand to his side and let Kessler pull him in, taking all of the hard cock in his mouth.  When it hits the back of his throat he gags and coughs.

“Fuck, Kes, you’re gonna kill him.  He’s too fucking drunk for this.”  Jamie can’t place the voice, not remembering that Silfverberg had come to the room with them.

Kesler pulls Jamie’s head back and pulls himself out of Jamie’s mouth.  He pulls so that Jamie’s head tips back, forcing him to look up at Kesler.

“Look at me, baby.”  Jamie’s eyes are glazed over.  “Fuck, look at you.  How about if instead of you blowing us, we fuck your ass instead.  Then you can just lay there and enjoy it.  You’d like that wouldn’t you.”

Jamie doesn’t move for a minute, the words not registering in his brain.  But he’d had his mouth around a cock, and now it is gone, he wants it back.  “Please.”

Instead of getting on with the blow job, Jamie is dragged to his feet.  He is turned around and pushed face-first against the wall.  He feels someone tugging at his shorts, while his mind tries to work, to understand what is happening.  He tries to reach with his hands to stop whoever is pulling his shorts down, but someone grabs his wrists and pins his hands above his head.

“Please.  What. No wait.  Please.”  He mumbles against the wall. 

There is no prep, no lube, nothing gentle, just a pair of hands spreading his ass cheeks and then the sharp pain as Kesler thrusts his cock into Jamie’s ass in one fast movement. 

“Oh god, please.”  Jamie groans out.  “Please.”  He thinks he is begging for it to stop.  “Wait. Please.  I.  Let me.  Please.”  His mind doesn’t understand why Kesler isn’t stopping.

Why isn’t he stopping when Jamie is begging him to?  Why is he hurting him?  If Kes would just let him, Jamie could do better, he’d have given him a great blowjob, or he would have let them do this.  Jamie likes rough sex, but this, this is different, there is no pleasure spreading through Jamie’s body, only pain.  Why is Kes hurting him? 

“Please.  Don’t…”

“Oh my god, your ass is so tight, baby.  You like that?  Yeah.  Begging me not to stop.  That’s it.  Beg me, that’s it.  Beg for what you want.”

Jamie’s body is tense, every part of his brain screaming for him to move though, to get away from the pain spreading from his ass with every hard stroke of Kessler’s cock.

After what seems an eternity to Jamie, Kesler pulls out and with a groan and a couple of quick strokes to his cock cums all over Jamie’s ass.  Jamie feels himself being pulled across the room and thrown down on to his stomach on a bed.  He tries to lift his head, but a hand comes down on the back of his neck to hold him in place.  Other hands are on his hips, pulling them up.

“What a sweet fuck, Silf, you’re gonna love that ass.”

“Please,” Jamie begs again.  “Please.  Don’t…. stop…. please…. please….”

“Hear that… fucking fag is begging for it.  Fuck that ass.”

Jamie feels a new rush of pain as Silfverberg fucks into him.  Just like Kesler, it is fast, hard strokes.  Jamie’s breath caught.  Everything fades away then, to just blackness.

“Fuck.  Do you think he’s okay?”  Kesler slaps against Jamie’s face.  “Hey, baby, come on.  Wake up for us.” 

Jamie slowly opens his eyes.  He knows Kesler is saying something, but everything is jumbled in his brain.

“One more thing, then you’re a real Duck baby.  You ready for it?”

Jamie can’t move.  Can’t shake his head no.  Can’t make his arms push them away.  He has been rolled over on his back.  Silfverberg is kneeling between Jamie’s legs.  Jamie’s knees are pushed up.  Silfverberg has something in his hands.  What the fuck is it?  Jamie looks at Kesler, everything is blurry.  He tries to make his eyes and his mind focus.

“We were just gonna give you a good paddling, after you sucked us off, but we had a better idea.  I mean, you liked being fucked so much, kept saying please, begging us.  How bout we fuck you with your own stick?  Huh?  You ever let your fag buddies fuck you with a stick?  Fuck that sweet ass?”

“No.  Please.”  Jamie managed to slur out, his voice barely a whisper though, as something hard presses against his ass again.  “Please… don’t… hurts…”

Everything goes black again.


	30. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie sits up and shifts so he is sitting with his back against the headboard, his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them.
> 
> “I don’t know.”
> 
> “You don’t know what, Jamie? What’s wrong? Is it just because it’s December? Are you missing your folks? Kyle? What?” Zach reaches out to rub Jamie’s arm, but pulls back when Jamie flinches.
> 
> “I don’t know what happened. I can remember pieces. But I don’t know. I can’t. I don’t want anyone touching me. I don’t want anyone behind me. I can’t fucking sleep. But I can’t fucking remember what happened for sure.”

One year. 

It has been a year today that Kyle left him, and Jamie has never felt more alone.  He doesn’t want to get up.  He doesn’t want to go to practice.  He doesn’t want to run.  He doesn’t want to do anything.

He woke up yesterday in his own hotel room, hungover and aching, covered in sticky, dried cum, and a sore ass that was telling him he’d gotten fucked the night before.  The problem is he can’t remember much of it.  He remembers Kesler offering to get him back to his room, but not much more than that.  They’d had an off day, so Jamie had just taken a shower and gone back to bed. 

At practice on Thursday, Jamie struggles to skate, his body still aching in places that he isn’t about to mention to a trainer, his mind filled with thoughts from a year ago.  He skips out of his post-skate workout, claiming that he isn’t feeling well.  His teammates chirp him about how drunk he’d been, so drunk evidently that he is still hung over two days later.  Kesler joins in on the chirps, but never says anything about what might have happened in the hotel room. 

Jamie doesn’t know either.  He wants to know, but is afraid to ask Kesler.  The sight of Ryan Kesler walking naked across the locker room brings a flush of embarrassment to Jamie’s face, and triggers a memory of part of what happened.  The part he remembers is that he’d had his mouth around that dick.  And he’d really liked it.  He guesses Kesler had been the one that fucked him, too, but he can’t remember for sure.

There is something dark nagging in the back of his mind, however, telling him that he hadn’t wanted to do something.  Hadn’t wanted to fuck?  He didn’t know for sure and as the days go on it starts eating at him every day, this unknown thing.  As the darkness grows, a general uneasiness around his teammates grows. 

Jamie doesn’t laugh and joke in the locker room.  He hears comments and laughs from the others, thinks he hears the word fag once or twice, so whatever happened, his teammates now know he likes guys.  He hurries through what he has to do after a game or practice, rushing to the shower to try and get out before everyone else comes in.  If he gets tied up and can’t do that, he waits until everyone is done, and then showers. 

He doesn’t like having anyone crowd up behind him at this point, and it is getting worse.  On the ice, he focuses on playing, trying to keep his nervousness away.  Off the ice, he isn’t sleeping well, and he hasn’t gotten up to run early in the mornings for over a week.  The coaches have started to notice the change, but attribute it to rookie stress on an 18-year-old.  Maybe he just wasn’t ready to be in the league yet, to handle the pressure.

Hags tries to talk to him, coming to sit next to him on the plane as they fly to Buffalo.  Jamie just says he is fine.  Just tired.  Hags starts to say something about helping him out, but Jamie just turns away and buries his head into the seat.

The first couple of days after the party, Jamie called Zach every day.  By the next week, Jamie’s calls to Zach became less regular.  When he does call, Jamie lets Zach do most of the talking, or he tries to anyway.  By the next week, he stops calling him.

Jamie knows he should call his counselor.  He needs to talk to someone.  He wanted Kicks.  His parents.  Cat.  Fuck.  He feels so alone. 

\---

The Ducks get back from the road trip against the Eastern Conference on the 23rd.   Jamie has played in four games altogether since being called up, but has no goals and no assists.  The morning they get back to Anaheim, they tell Jamie he is being reassigned to San Diego.  Rakell will be back after the Christmas break.  Jamie doesn’t care.  He wants to get out of Anaheim. 

On Christmas eve, he drives with Zach back to Sheryl’s for dinner.  They plan to stay the night and spend Christmas day with Sheryl and Scott.  Dinner is great, as usual, and they watch ‘White Christmas’ before Sheryl insists Jamie go to bed so that Santa can come.  Jamie assures her he is too old for that, to which she replies that you are never too old for Santa.

Jamie lays in bed next to Zach, on his side with his back to the other man.  Zach rolls over to face Jamie, reaching out to rub Jamie’s back.  Jamie shudders and pulls away.

“What’s wrong?  You’ve been quiet since you got back.”

“Nothing.  Just tired.”

“Upset to be back in San Diego?  You’ll get up again.”

“I don’t care.  It wasn’t all that great.  Not what I thought it would be anyway.  Look, I’m just tired.”

“Okay.  Night, Jamie.”  Zach isn’t sure what is wrong, but it can wait until morning, or until they get back to San Diego.  Maybe Jamie is just tired from the east coast trip.  Maybe he is upset because he hadn’t gotten any points.  Maybe that is why being in Anaheim isn’t what he thought it would be.  Whatever.  Maybe Jamie will feel better in the morning, it is Christmas after all.  Zach rolls back over.

\---

Jamie is already up and dressed when Zach gets up the next morning.  Zach isn’t even really sure that Jamie had stayed in bed all night.  He’d rolled over at one point and the bed was empty.  He’d thought he’d heard Jamie in the bathroom, so he just rolled over and went back to sleep.  But the bed beside him is cold. 

Jamie sits in the kitchen, already showered and dressed, whereas Zach just rolled out of bed and threw on some shorts and a t-shirt. Zach walks over and ruffles Jamie’s hair, leaning down to give him a kiss.  Jamie stiffens under his touch, but doesn’t pull away.  Instead he lets Zach give him a light kiss and offers a quiet “Merry Christmas” back. 

Sheryl and Scott come in a few minutes later.  They all opt to have breakfast before heading in to open presents.  Sheryl bounces around the kitchen, going on about all the presents Santa has brought Jamie and how happy she is to have him and Zach there.  Zach thinks he sees Jamie actually smiling a few times.  Maybe he is feeling better this morning.

There are lots of presents under the tree.  Jamie gets some clothes from Sheryl and Scott, dressy stuff to wear for games.  Zach got him some small things and a gift card from a store that carries high quality running shoes.  Jamie got them all sweatshirts from the Edmonton Oil Kings.

Once they had opened all of their presents, Sheryl reaches way back under the tree and pulls out a small box. 

“What’s this,” Zach asks when she hands it to him.  He looks at the tag which says ‘To Uncle Zach’.

“Are you kidding me?  No way!”  He rips the paper off the box and opens the lid.  Inside is a small framed picture of an ultra-sound.  “Oh my god!  I’m gonna be an uncle!”

“Yep.  In about five months.”  Sheryl is beaming.  Zach and Jamie gave the mom-to-be hugs.  Zach couldn’t help but notice that Jamie flinched when Scott draped his arm around Jamie’s shoulders.

Later that day, Jamie is standing at the kitchen sink helping Sheryl do the dishes from dinner.  He doesn’t hear Scott come up behind him until Scott reaches out and grasps Jamie’s shoulders.

Jamie spins around and brings his arms up, knocking Scott’s arms away.  Jamie’s eyes are wide, his face pale and he is instantly breathing hard and fast.

“Jamie.  It’s okay.  I’m sorry.”  Scott raises his hands and backs up.

Jamie looks around, like he doesn’t know for sure where he is, then bolts out of the kitchen.  Zach watches Jamie go across the living room and down the hallway, hearing the bedroom door slam shut.  Zach looks back to the kitchen.  Scott and Sheryl are standing in the doorway. 

“I don’t know.  I surprised him.  Came up behind him when he was helping with dishes.  He looked scared to death, Zach.”  Scott looks truly concerned.

Zach gets up and walks back to the bedroom, knocking on the door before just opening it and walking in.  Jamie is curled up on the bed, visibly shaking. 

“Jamie?  Something’s wrong?  What is it?  You can tell me.”  He walks to the edge of the bed.  Jamie keeps his back to Zach.  “Come on.  Sit up and talk to me.”

Jamie sits up and shifts so he is sitting with his back against the headboard, his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what, Jamie?  What’s wrong?  Is it just because it’s December?  Are you missing your folks?  Kyle? What?”  Zach reaches out to rub Jamie’s arm, but pulls back when Jamie flinches.

“I don’t know what happened.  I can remember pieces.  But I don’t know.   I can’t.  I don’t want anyone touching me.  I don’t want anyone behind me.  I can’t fucking sleep.  But I can’t fucking remember what happened for sure.”

“What happened when?  Did something happen while you were in Anaheim?”

“The party.  The night of the party.  I was so fucking drunk.  I know what I wanted to do, what he said I could do, but then…”

“Jamie?  Who? What?”

“I was fucking drunk.  Kes, Ryan Kesler.  I thought he was taking me back to my room.  I was, fuck, you know what I’m like, I was practically licking him in the elevator I was so drunk.  But, we didn’t go to my room.  We went to another room.”

“Jamie,” Zach sucked in his breath.  He’d heard stories about Kesler from some of the guys that had gone up and come back to San Diego.  He should have said something, given Jamie a heads up, but as far as he knew, nothing had ever happened with any player who wasn’t at least 21.  “What did he do?  What do you remember?”

“I was giving him a blowjob.  But then.  Fuck.  That’s where it gets all messed up in my head.  I heard him say something.  I thought it was if I was okay with sucking him, cause I kind of remember gagging.  I said yes, or at least I didn’t say no.  I just wanted to suck him.  Next thing I know, I’m against the wall and he’s...”  He buries his head in his arms, the tears coming freely.  “I fucking don’t know what happened after that.”

“Fuck.”  Zach swears under his breath.

Jamie is talking into his chest, Zach leans in listening.  “I woke up in my own room.  Fucking hangover that would kill a horse.  My ass hurt so fucking bad.  There was… fuck Zach…” 

Zach swears again, sitting down next to Jamie and pulling him over against his chest.  “Jamie, I’m so sorry.  Oh, fuck.” 

Jamie lets himself be enveloped in Zach’s arms, trying to bury himself in that security, a cocoon against the darkness, the unknown that has been eating at him.  A sense of relief comes over Jamie that he has finally told someone.  Zach gently rocks Jamie in his arms.  Jamie realizes he isn’t alone anymore. 


	31. Aftermath - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not even a week in to the new year, Jamie is ready to give up. The Gulls have a break following their game January 3rd, not playing again until the 8th. Jamie still hasn’t talked to his counselor even though he knows he should. Then he thinks, Janet. He calls and leaves a message asking her to call him.
> 
> “How are things going, Jamie?” she asks when she finally calls him back that evening. “Everything okay with the counselor I recommended?”
> 
> “Something happened. I, I would just really like to talk to you about it,”
> 
> “It’s not something you can talk to your counselor there about?”
> 
> “No. I don’t think so.”

Jamie makes Zach promise not to say anything about what happened, afraid of how the team will react.  As he talks to Zach about what happened, bits and pieces come back over the next few days.  Jamie remembers something that was said, that Kesler said, that fits with the behind the back comments from some of the team in Anaheim.  “I heard you liked doing this.”

No one knew.  At least he didn’t think anyone knew.  So how?  Then is dawned on him, Luc St. Croix.  Who had he told?  How had he told it without letting people know that Kyle, his son, was gay, that he was ashamed of Kyle?  That had to be how he found out.  Fuck.  And if Kesler knew, the Ducks knew, which means the NHL knew.  At least that is what Jamie thinks.

Zach, god love Zach, Jamie thinks.  He makes Jamie get up and run, just as Cat had done.  Makes him go to practice when Jamie doesn’t want to be around the team following the Christmas break.  Jamie can’t stay focused when he’s on the ice, worried about whether his teammates know about what happened, if they know about him liking guys.  His game is suffering and Eakins moves him down to the third line.

Zach lets Eakins in on what happened, well not all of it.  Just enough so Eakins knows that Jamie is struggling with something that happened in Anaheim.

“A hazing incident with Kesler,” Zach finally says.

“Shit.  What I’ve heard is true then?”

“Evidently.  But I thought it was just with the older kids.”  Zach can see Eakins mind working.  “He doesn’t want anything said or done.  I think we need to respect that, from what I’ve read.  Shit, I don’t know.  I’ve never had to deal with something like this.”

“That’s what I was wondering.  But, I think we need to say something to anyone we send up from now on.  Give them a heads up somehow.”

Zach thinks for a moment, “Or, we let someone there that we think we can trust know to watch out for the kids.”

\---

Not even a week in to the new year, Jamie is ready to give up.  The Gulls have a break following their game January 3rd, not playing again until the 8th.  Jamie still hasn’t talked to his counselor even though he knows he should.  Then he thinks, Janet.  He calls and leaves a message asking her to call him.

“How are things going, Jamie?” she asks when she finally calls him back that evening.  “Everything okay with the counselor I recommended?”

“Something happened.  I, I would just really like to talk to you about it,”

“It’s not something you can talk to your counselor there about?”

“No.  I don’t think so.”

“Okay.  I’ve had a very busy day and I’m really tired, but I thought I’d call and see what you wanted.  Tell you what.  I’ll rearrange my schedule and open some time for you tomorrow.  How about 10 am?  I’ll make sure I have plenty of time open and I’ll be more coherent so I can actually pay attention.  How would that be?  Can you wait til then?”

“That would be good.  I’ll call at 10.  Thanks, Janet.”

The next morning her phone rings at 10 am sharp.  She listens as Jamie recounts as much of what happened as he remembers.  Her heart aches for him, he has been through so much and now this.  She asks why he hasn’t gone to the team management, or the police. 

“Because,” his voice shakes, “I don’t know what happened.  I was so drunk.  I may have said yes to whatever they did.”

“Do you think that with how drunk you were that you were capable of giving consent?”

“I don’t know.  But I know that now they all know or think I’m gay.  I want to quit.  I am going to quit, I’m done with hockey, with everything.  I just want to come home.”

“Jamie, that’s not what you really want to do is it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  Time for some more words of wisdom, or thoughtful observation in this case.  From what you have told me about what you think of bad things, that have happened in your life, I have come to the realization that you have the ability to take control of the pain, the trauma, the hurt, and move on with your life.  It has taken some outside prodding sometimes to get you moving, but you take what you need, you learn about yourself from it, and you make it a part of who you are.  It may be cliché, Jamie, but everything happens for a reason.”

“But at what point does it become too much?” Jamie sighs.  “I don’t think I can do that this time.”

“You can.  Don’t worry yourself over something that you don’t know for sure is true.  You don’t know if anyone outside of this Kesler and some of the others know or suspect anything about you, right?”

“I guess I don’t, no.”

“And this Zach sounds like a nice guy, he seems to be helping you through this from what you said.  Go ahead and lean on him a little, like you did with Cat.  She pushed you, now he’s pushing you, right?  That’s what I meant about needing some prodding.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.  What have you wanted your whole life, what have you worked so hard for?”

“To play hockey in the NHL.”

“What happened, what they did, has it changed the fact that you can play hockey?”

“Yeah, it’s affecting my hockey.”

“No.  That’s not what I mean.  You can still play hockey, physically you can play hockey, right.”

“Yes.”

“Did what happened change the fact that you can physically skate rings around the defense and shoot the puck and score goals?”

Jamie snorts out a laugh.  “You mean the fact I’m good?”

“Yes.  That you are a great hockey player.”

“No.  Physically I can still do all that at a phenomenal level of skill and talent.”  She hears the hint of sarcasm in his voice.  She calls it his “I don’t like it when you make me talk about myself like this voice.”

“There’s the confidence I know and love.  So, are you going to let some bastard, excuse my language, but are you going to let him take hockey away from you?  Were you going to let Kyle’s father take it away from you?”

“No.  It’s just.  I wish I could remember what exactly happened.”

“It’s there.  You were too drunk, maybe you blacked out, so you don’t remember, or more likely, Jamie, you were traumatized and you’ve buried any memories of what happened.  That is sometimes the case with rape survivors.  It’s a coping mechanism your body, your mind, uses to help you get through something traumatic.”

“Rape?  I wasn’t…”

“Yes.  You were.  They had sex with you against your will.”

“But I think I may have, I probably said yes.  And I was drunk.  I shouldn’t have let myself get so drunk.”  Jamie can’t think of it as rape, it was his teammates. It was just a hazing, an initiation.  He’d have done it if he wasn’t drunk, he reasons with himself, at least the part he can remember.

“Jamie, those are all normal feelings, but you need to understand that it shouldn’t matter.  What they did to you was wrong.  They were wrong, not you.  You were partying with people you thought you could trust.  Teammates.” 

“It was my fault.” She can hear the doubt, the guilt, the fear, even anger.  It in his voice which sounds shaky.

“It was not your fault, Jamie.  Self-blame is common.  It may be one of the hardest things for survivors to deal with.  You need to try and realize that this was not your fault, you did nothing wrong.”

“I would have,” Jamie pauses, “I think I would have done it anyway.”

“And that would have been okay if that is what you wanted to do, but they didn’t give you that choice did they?”

There is a silence on the other end of the phone.  Janet gives him time to process the things she’s said.  To process how he is feeling.  In the short time she worked with Jamie in Edmonton she learned that he is quick to grasp what she is trying to convey to him, he is quick to sort through the emotions to what is underneath, to reason things out and do just what she said, take control of it and move past it.  But with this, she is not sure.  This is a different type of situation than losing his friend and love, than losing his parents.  She waits for a few more minutes.

“No.  They didn’t.” Jamie says softly, barely above a whisper.

“So, are you going to let them make any other choices for you?”

“Like quitting.”

“Like giving up on your dreams.”

“No.”

\---

Zach tells Eakins he’s going to call Carl Hagelin and ask him to be the one to look out for any kids they send up to Anaheim.  Zach knows Hags doesn’t have a particular love or loyalty to the team yet, and he’s been in the league long enough that Kesler might not give him any flack if he stepped in.  He finally gives him a call on the 8th.

“Hags, so how’s the arm that wasn’t injured?”

“Zach, you know I don’t know what you are talking about,” Carl chuckles back.  “Boudreau would never lie to the media.”

Zach had helped Carl with an arm injury, that Anaheim said wasn’t an injury, all through training camp.  The injury had limited Carl to just two preseason starts, which a lot of people were saying was the start of his struggles with the Ducks.

“Hey, how’s Marsh doing?” Carl asks, “he didn’t seem to be doing okay when he left here.  I’ve been meaning to call and check on him.”

“That’s actually part of why I’m calling.  Were you at the party they had for him in December?”

“Yeah.  I was there for a while early, but I left fairly early.  Why?”

“Kesler.  Jamie got really drunk and Kesler, well he decided to initiate Jamie to the team.”

“Fucker.  He tried to pull that shit with me, you know, new guy gives the vets a blowjob after you score your first goal.  I told him to fuck off.  But, I’m not an 18-year-old rookie.”

“A very drunk rookie.  Yeah.  Anyway, he’s having some troubles, but he’s getting help.”

“And he’s got you.  He is still staying with you, right.  That’s got to be a good thing for him.”

“Yeah.  Hey, he doesn’t want anything done, but Eaks and I are concerned with the team looking the other way on Kesler’s initiations.  We’ve got some kids we know are going to get their first call-ups and well, we’d like to have somebody there who can kind of watch out for them.  We’re going to give them a vague warning about the drinking, and stuff… but it’s kind of hard to say much without giving away what happened to Jamie.”

“No.  I understand that would be hard.  Um, yeah, I can keep an eye on them.  Run some interference with Kesler and his boys.”

After they hang up, Carl thinks about what Zach told him, he thinks about it all weekend actually.  On Monday, after practice, he asks Boudreau if he can meet with him and Bob Murray. 

\---

Tuesday after practice, Eakins calls Jamie into his office and shuts the door behind him.  Bob Murray is sitting in one of the chairs, as is Ryan Kesler, which causes Jamie to freeze.

“It’s okay,” Eakins reassures him, “have a seat.”

Jamie shakes Murray’s hand when Murray offers it, then sits down in the chair next to him.  Eakins sits down behind his desk.

“Jamie, I’ve been made aware of an incident that may have taken place while you were in Anaheim last month.  I’d like to hear your side of what happened.”  Murray states, not beating around the bush at all.

“I, uh, I’m not sure what you mean, Mr. Murray.”

“Was there an incident with Ryan after a party at the hotel where you were staying.  I have been told it was a hazing incident, but that you agreed to everything that happened.”

Jamie looks at Eakins, fear written all over his face.

“It’s okay, Jamie.  We’re just trying to figure out what happened and what we need to do about it.”

“I… um… there was something, but um…”

“Ryan says that he asked you to, well, to perform a certain sexual act, as an initiation to the team.  Is that correct?”

Jamie’s face is flushed red, his breath catches.  He can’t talk, barely able to nod a yes at Murray, as he tries to hold on to his emotions.

“And you were okay with doing it?”

“I… I don’t remember…” his head is down, his voice low, “I was… I was pretty drunk.”

Murray glances at Eakins and Kesler before addressing Jamie again, “Could you step out for just a minute, Jamie.”

Jamie looks up and Eakins nods at him, Jamie gets up and goes out, closing the door behind him, but standing next to it, breathing in and out deeply, trying to stay calm.  He can hear some of the conversation.

“He was drunk?”  That’s his coach.  “You did this when he was drunk?”

“That’s not the point Dallas.”  Murray says, “Ryan says Marsh could have said no.”

“The drunk fucking faggot wanted it,” Kesler declares rather loudly.  Jamie looks up, there isn’t anyone else around so no one can hear Kesler say that.  “what the hell, it was just a fucking initiation.  It’s not the first time we’ve done it.”

“But it will be the last, Ryan.”  Murray again.  “Get Marsh.”

Jamie waits for Eakins to come and open the door, then walks back in and sits down.

“Jamie, I need you to answer, were you okay with what happened?  Did you say yes?”  Murray asks.

Jamie looks at all three men, Kesler is glaring, his face red with obvious anger. 

“I don’t,” Jamie pauses and drops his head, he just wants to get out of there, he knows that Murray is going to take Kesler’s side regardless of what he says, so he tells Murray what he thinks Murray wants to hear, “Yes.  I think, I’m not sure, but I think so.  Yes.”

“Alright.  That’s all I needed to hear.  As for the drinking, we’re going to overlook it.  You were at a private event with your teammates.  But, if it ever happens again you’ll be suspended as per team policy.  As for what else happened, that will stay in this room.  Isn’t that right, Ryan?”

“Yes,” Kesler growls. 

“Alright Jamie, you can leave.”  Murray dismisses him.

Jamie sits there for a minute, waiting, but then he realizes he’s waiting for nothing.  There isn’t going to be any apology from the team, or Kesler, for what happened.  Jamie guesses he shouldn’t have really expected one.  He gets up and walks out.

\---

The next night, the Gulls lose to San Jose in overtime, but Jamie has the Gulls lone goal.  Two night later, though, the Gulls get shut-out by Ontario 5-0.  Jamie endures the two-hour bus ride back to San Diego in silence.  He purposefully kept any of his teammates from sitting with him so he could spend the ride reading some information Janet sent him on sexual assaults.  He still can’t bring himself to refer to it as a rape.

When they get back to San Diego, he unloads his equipment bag and carries it inside the arena.  Then he follows Zach to his car for the drive home.  Zach has been quiet since Jamie’s meeting with Murray.  They’d had a fight, Jamie accusing Zach of telling the Ducks about the incident.  Zach swears he didn’t, but he’s the only person Jamie told, so Jamie just assumes he did.

They haven’t slept together since Christmas, Jamie having moved back to his own room.  Zach has given him his space.  When they pull into the drive, however, Zach reaches for Jamie’s hand, stopping him from getting out of the car.

“It was Carl Hagelin.”

“What?  What was Hags?”  Jamie pulls his hand back.

“Hagelin went to Boudreau and Murray.  He told them about Kesler trying to get him to blow him, too.  He’s the one that told them that Kesler was hazing the rookies.  He never mentioned your name, he said, but when Murray questioned Kesler, Kesler told him about you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I called Hagelin.  I told him that Kesler pulled the rookie initiation on you, but I didn’t tell him everything.  Eaks and I were trying to find someone who could look out for anybody who got called-up.  I thought Carl would be a good choice.  I’m sorry.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything, just gets out of the car and goes in the house.  He grabs some snacks and drinks, goes to his room and slams the door.  Zach sits on the couch, letting his head drop against the back.  “Fuck.”

However, Zach stirs in the middle of the night when he feels someone tapping him on the shoulder.  He rolls over on his back to find Jamie standing next to his bed, in the dim moonlight he can see the tears in Jamie’s eyes.  Zach pulls back the covers and sheets.  Jamie climbs into the bed, pressing himself against Zach and burying his head in Zach’s neck.  Zach rubs Jamie’s back until they both fall back asleep.

\---

Saturday morning Jamie wakes up around 6 am, expecting Zach to be next to him in the bed.  When he’s not, Jamie figures Zach is already up and waiting to go for a run.  He gets up, uses the bathroom, throws on his running clothes and heads out to find Zach.

Zach is sitting at the kitchen table talking on his phone.  He motions for Jamie to sit down.

“No it’s okay.  I’ll tell him, yeah.  Thanks for calling Eaks.”  Zach sets his phone down on the table.

“What’s up?  What are you telling me?”

“You’ve been traded.”

“What the fuck?”

“Last night, they came to a deal with Pittsburgh.  You and Hagelin both.  Traded for David Perron and Adam Clendening.”

“The Pens?  I got traded to the Pens?  Are you kidding?”  Jamie isn’t sure if he should be upset or ecstatic, torn because he got traded, but happy it is to the Pens.  Then a look of concern flashes in his eyes, Zach sees it.

“You’ll be okay.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything bad about the Pens treatment of players, guys who’ve been there that I’ve met have said they are a good organization.  And, you’re going to end up playing with Sidney Crosby at some point, think of that.”

“That would be cool.”  Zach sees Jamie relax a little as he keeps talking, “Hey, Tristan Jarry is with their A team.  He played with me in Edmonton my first year with the Kings.  I’ll get ahold of him.  I bet he’d let me room with him.”

“I think this is a good thing, Jamie.”  Zach is torn about Jamie leaving, but for other reasons. “You’ll do great.”


	32. Meltdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hagelin was absolutely right about Sidney making sure his friends would be watching out for Jamie, and during warm-ups, Sid had told Hags that he was counting on him, too, to watch over the rookie. Hags had told him that he had already planned on it. Sullivan had worried about Jamie, wondering if they should just scratch him, but Sid had assured the coach, also, that Sid, Kuni, Geno, Tanger, and Flower would be looking out for Jamie. Tanger would be out on the ice with him the most, well, except for Flower, so Sid had made sure Tanger knew what had happened and that he needed to watch Kesler.
> 
> The first period was uneventful, but Jamie smiled every time he skated past the Ducks’ bench, making a quacking noise followed by the ‘fuck a duck’ comment. Jamie and Hags would look at each other every time they did it and wink, their own private joke. It actually helped him stay calm around Kesler, who surprisingly wasn’t on the line matched up against Sid, which meant he and Jamie weren’t on the ice together much the first period.
> 
> Things changed right at the start of the second period, however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds to the "F**k the Ducks" chapter in All of Me Loves All of You. It is told more from Jamie's POV. It centers on the Pens' game against the Ducks in February.

The first two weeks in Pittsburgh are more than Jamie could have hoped, or wished, for.  Everything had started with Sidney Crosby, of all people, picking him up at the airport.  Then, Sidney had not just deposited Jamie at a hotel, but had taken Jamie back to his residence, where they talked hockey over a pizza and then turned in for the night.  Despite being tired from his flight Jamie had been too excited to sleep much that first night. 

The next day, things only got better when he found out he would make his debut with Pittsburgh the following night against the Flyers.  Jamie texted Tristan Jarry and told him that his arrival in Wilkes-Barre would be delayed because Coach Mike Sullivan told Jamie that the Pens planned on keeping him assigned to Pittsburgh at least through the All-Star game.

Jamie also told Jars about his other big news, the fact that he would be staying with Sidney Fucking Crosby while he was in Pittsburgh.  Jars had about shit, telling Jamie he was really jealous.  “Just think of all the shit you’re gonna learn from him!” he’d said.

Jamie found Sidney to be a very gracious host, opening his home completely to Jamie.  And, over the All-Star break, he’d taken Jamie to a car dealership where they picked up a brand new Jeep for Jamie to have to get around Pittsburgh.  Jamie had told Sid it was way too much for him to do, but Sid assured him it was more because he didn’t want to have to run Jamie’s ass all over the place.  Besides, Sid told him he enjoyed doing things for people he liked, and Sid evidently liked Jamie already.

Jamie had been a fan of Sidney’s his entire life practically.  His dad was a fan.  But from the minute Sidney had picked him up at the airport, Jamie had felt something different towards Sidney, something more than just fan worship.  The first few days he tried not to think about it, but it continued to grow the more he was around Sidney.

Sidney was so good looking, with his dark hair, hazel eyes, and that smile, a smile that made his whole face light up.  Sidney’s laugh, a kind of giggle honk, was infectious.  Jamie quickly found himself falling in step with Sidney’s routines, staying for extra work-outs, getting in extra on-ice time to work one-on-one drills with Sidney. 

The more time he spent with Sidney, the more Jamie found himself attracted to Sidney, until he finally let himself admit that he was falling in love.  Feelings that he hadn’t felt since Kyle began to surface.  The problem, Jamie was sure, was that there was no way Sidney Crosby could ever be in love with him.  Even though he’d heard rumors, Jamie didn’t think Sidney was gay.  At first, anyway.  But then he began to notice things change and by the end of the All-Star break, Jamie was starting to believe the attraction might just be mutual.

\---

Monday, February 7th, Jamie woke up at 5 am as usual and went for a run, a rather long run.  His mind was working overtime thinking about the game coming up that night.  The Pens would face the Ducks, which meant Jamie would face Kesler on the ice for the first time since the meeting with Murray.  Jamie was sure to see ice time against him as he was now playing on the top line with Sidney and Patric Hornqvist. 

When he got back home, he grabbed a shower and then rode with Sid to morning skate.  Jamie was more quiet than normal, which didn’t go unnoticed by Sid or Sully, but they gave him some space.  They both knew what was bothering Jamie, not wanting to push him on it they still kept a close eye on him during practice.

Sid wasn’t sure that Jamie actually took a pre-game nap that afternoon, when Sid got up and dressed to head in to Consol, Jamie was already up and waiting for him.  Again, Jamie was quiet, but fidgety on the ride in for the game.  He went through his workout okay, it seemed.  Sid watched Hags go over to Jamie at one point and the two disappeared into one of the trainers’ rooms.

“You okay?” Hagelin looks truly concerned.  “You can always sit this game out, no one will say anything.”

“No.  I don’t want to do that.  I’m just nervous.  I’m sure Kesler will have something to say to me about what happened.  I’m just worried about that.”  Jamie jumps up on the treatment table, sitting with his hands in his lap.  “I still don’t know what happened, not all of it, Hags.”

“Well, you know you have Sid and his gang looking out for you, right?”

Jamie gives Hags a quizzical look, “Sid and his gang?”

“Well you told me that Sid knows what happened, right.  I’m guessing he told his close friends, maybe not all of it, but just enough so they know to watch out for you.  It’s something I’ve discovered about our new team in the short time we’ve been here, those core guys, they’re a pretty tight group.”

“Okay, but I’m not part of that group.”

“But you are part of Sid’s life now, he’s taken a real liking to you from what I’ve seen, so you are by default part of them.”

Jamie’s face blushes with embarrassment.  “You think so?  I mean, about Sid liking me?”

Hags laughs and shakes his head, “Yeah.  I’m pretty sure he likes you, or he’d have thrown you out by now.”

“Oh,” Jamie looks down, realizing the Hags might not have meant what Jamie thinks he meant.  “Yeah.  I guess that’s true.”

“Okay.  One more thing.  You played for them so you know what we, as opponents, are now required to say every time we skate past their bench.”  Hags grins.

“Oh yeah,” Jamie nods as he jumps down, “fuck a duck!”

“Let’s go kick some duck ass!”  Hags follows Jamie back out to the locker room.

\---

Hagelin was absolutely right about Sidney making sure his friends would be watching out for Jamie, and during warm-ups, Sid had told Hags that he was counting on him, too, to watch over the rookie.  Hags had told him that he had already planned on it.  Sullivan had worried about Jamie, wondering if they should just scratch him, but Sid had assured the coach, also, that Sid, Kuni, Geno, Tanger, and Flower would be looking out for Jamie.  Tanger would be out on the ice with him the most, well, except for Flower, so Sid had made sure Tanger knew what had happened and that he needed to watch Kesler.

The first period was uneventful, but Jamie smiled every time he skated past the Ducks’ bench, making a quacking noise followed by the ‘fuck a duck’ comment.  Jamie and Hags would look at each other every time they did it and wink, their own private joke.  It actually helped him stay calm around Kesler, who surprisingly wasn’t on the line matched up against Sid, which meant he and Jamie weren’t on the ice together much the first period.

Things changed right at the start of the second period, however.  Jamie was with Matt Cullen and Phil Kessel waiting to take the opening face-off to start the period, but there was some technical difficulty with the official clock.  Jamie was standing near the center line, not far from Kessel and Silfverberg.  Jamie was only half paying attention to their conversation until he heard Kessel say something that made the blood drain from Jamie’s face.

“Only fucking reason he’s on the top line is that he’s living with Crosby.”

“He’s got to be loving it, the kid’s a sweet fuck.  Tight ass.  And, he loves getting fucked with his own hockey stick.”  Silfverberg grinned.

“Crosby’s got to be in heaven then, getting to have hockey and a good fuck at the same time.”  Kessel laughs.

Jamie feels like someone punched him in the gut.  Silfverberg has to be joking, just saying that to goad him.  He looks up and Silfverberg winks, like he knows Jamie heard him.  Jamie skates away, taking a lap around the Pens’ end, skating deep around the back of the net.  Flower notices his pale face, and Jamie is biting his lower lip, looking down at the ice.

“Grasshopper, you okay?”  Flower says the second time Jamie skates past, but Jamie just ignores him.  Flower looks for Sid on the bench, giving Sid his best worried look.  Sid tries to get Tanger’s attention, to get him to go to Jamie, but the officials are calling the players in for the puck drop.

Culls wins the face-off and kicks the puck back to Tanger, who passes to Jamie as the forwards drop back to start a rush.  Jamie looks okay to Sid as he comes past the bench.  When Sid goes over the boards for his first shift, Jamie is stepping off the ice.  Whatever they’d said to upset Jamie was evidently out of his head already. 

By his third shift of the period, Jamie is back on the ice with his regular line of Sid and Horny.  Tanger and Olli are out on defense.  Tanger chips the puck into the Ducks’ zone ahead of the forwards, it’s a practiced play, the Pens counting on the speed of their players to be able to outrace the opponents to the puck.

Jamie wins the race, but barely, as one of the Ducks boards him immediately.  Jamie isn’t sure who it is pushing against him as they fight for the puck until he hears his voice.

“Hey baby, just like old times, huh.”  Ryan Kesler’s head is close to Jamie’s.  “Remember when I had you pinned to the wall, fucking your brains out.”

Jamie tries to focus on the puck under their feet, tries to block out Kesler.

“Fuck yeah, that was nice, your ass was so good.  Just let me fuck you as hard as I wanted.”  Kesler pressed up against Jamie even tighter.  “And when you took your stick, god, I about lost it again.”

All the air rushes out of Jamie’s lungs at that moment and his face goes completely white, his eyes stare blankly at the ice, he stops fighting for the puck.  Images come flooding back to him, Kesler pinning him to the wall, and, Silfverberg.  Silfverberg and Jamie’s hockey stick.  Silfverberg using the hockey stick to…

Jamie falls to his knees just as Tanger slams into Kesler, hitting him in the face before Kesler can react.  Tanger pushes Kesler away from Jamie, swinging over and over again at Kesler’s head.  Jamie can’t catch his breath, the whole rink is spinning.  He knows someone is kneeling next to him, can hear people talking.

Sid is there.  It registers in his brain that Sid and Olli are helping him up and skating him towards the bench.  They get him off the ice and he all but collapses onto the end of the bench.  Chris Stewart is there right away, asking him questions, but Jamie can’t answer, he’s shaking uncontrollably and nearly hyperventilating.

Someone leans down on his other side, “Jamie, it’s okay, come on with me.”

Tanger takes Jamie by the arm, helping him up, and along with Stewie, he gets Jamie to the locker room.

Once they are in the quiet of the locker room, Jamie starts to calm down.  Kris sits with his arm around Jamie’s shoulders as Stewart administers to Kris’ lip.

“No stitches.  Just gonna put a butterfly on it for now.”

Kris keeps an eye on the game and just before the end of the second period he gets Jamie up and walks him to one of the trainers’ rooms.  They are in there when the team comes off the ice, Jamie at least isn’t still shaking or breathing fast, but he hasn’t said anything.  There is a knock at the door and Sid’s voice asking to come in.  Kris looks at Jamie who raises his head and quietly says no.

“No. He doesn’t want to see anyone at the moment. Not even you. I just got him calmed down.” Kris says as he opens the door slightly, then he simply shuts the door in Sid’s face.

After the game, Kris ushers Jamie out of the locker room before the media scrums begin.  They are waiting in the hallway for Sid to come out so they can go home.  Kris is on the phone with Catherine, his wife, a short distance from Jamie.  Jamie is leaning against the wall twirling a hockey stick he’d cracked in the first period.  He was going to take it home and tape it up to use for practice stuff around the house.

“Taking home a new sex toys for Sid to play with I see,” someone says as they walk past him. 

Jamie looks up and sees Kessel chuckling.  Jamie snaps, charging at Kessel and tackling him to the ground.  Jamie swings his fist at Kessel’s head over and over, Kessel yelling at him.  Kris darts across the hallway and tries to grab Jamie’s arm, yelling for him to stop.

Suddenly Tommy Kuhnhackl is there, pulling Jamie off of Kessel, throwing Jamie onto the ground and pinning him down.  Kris turns his attention to Tommy, trying to stop him.

“No!  Junior, don’t.  You’re going to make it worse.”  Kris yells.

Kris is knocked aside as Brian Dumoulin suddenly appears beside Tommy, both of them on top of Jamie holding him down.

“Tommy.  Brian.  Stop!”  Kris tries to pull them off Jamie.  Sid is there too now, yelling for them to stop.

Jamie freezes, his body tensing under the weight of the two players.

“Get off me!  Please!  Get off me!” Jamie yells as his eyes fill with tears.  His voice becomes tinged with fear as he sobs out more pleas.  “Please!  Oh god!  Please don’t hurt me!  Please!  Please get off!  Please!  Please don’t hurt me.”

Jamie isn’t in the hallway outside the locker room at that moment, instead his brain telling him he is back in the hotel room with Kesler and Silfverberg, and suddenly all the others who are all there to hurt him.  When Sid and the guys finally manage to pull Tommy and Brian off Jamie, Jamie curls up into a fetal position shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.  He hears voices and someone is rubbing his back.

One of the voices is Sullivan’s, sounding angry.  Another is Kessel’s and then Sid’s, Sid sounds angry, too.  Then someone is leaning in close to his ear, talking directly to him.

“It’s okay, Jamie.  It’s Stewie.  You’re okay, we’re all right here.  Focus on me.  Come on, breathe slow.  Focus.  Come on back to us.”  Chris presses a hand against Jamie’s shoulder, “Come on.  Nobody’s going to hurt you here.  Kesler can’t hurt you.  It’s okay.”

Jamie rolls on to his back, keeping his knees bent up, his eyes closed.  Jamie reaches out a hand towards the sound of Sid’s voice and when Sid takes it, Jamie pulls Sid’s hand tight to his chest.

“That’s right, Jamie, focus on Sid.  He’s right here with you.  I’m right here.  You’re okay.  Nobody’s going to hurt you, it’s okay.  Breathe.  Relax.  It’s okay.”  Stewart keeps talking softly in Jamie’s ear.

Eventually Jamie calms down, opening his eyes and taking in his surroundings.  Sullivan, Sid, and Stewart are the only ones there.  He tells them what Kessel said to him about the stick, explaining Silfverberg’s comments and what happened when Kesler had him pinned to the boards. 

Finally, Jamie remembered everything, or mostly everything that had happened that night in the hotel in Anaheim.  The darkness was lifting as his brain processed what he was telling the other men.

When Tanger and Flower come back out, they help Sid walk Jamie to his vehicle and then follow the two to Sid’s house.  They sit and talk with Jamie about everything that happened during and after the game while Sid fields calls and texts from the rest of the team.

“G’s going to have the Russian mafia take out Kesler and Silfverberg,” Sid says after hanging up from talking to Geno.  That gets a laugh and smile from Jamie.

Jamie finally manages to fall asleep on the couch around 1 am.  Flower and Tanger crash in the guest rooms, while Sid passes out in his own bed with all his clothes still on.  It had been a long day.


	33. Brian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they got to Sid’s, Brian held on to Jamie’s hand for a minute when Jamie started to get out.
> 
> “Next time we play those assholes, I’m gonna hit both of them every chance I get and make sure they know it’s for you.”
> 
> “Jesus, another protector, that’s all I need.” Jamie laughed. “But thanks.”
> 
> “That’s what friends are for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk of the sexual assault in this chapter. Warning for those who it might bother.

Even though he didn’t go to sleep until around one in the morning, Jamie was up at five as usual and off for a run.  This morning he ran, and ran, and ran, his mind processing everything, trying to work through what had happened in Anaheim now that he knew.  He ended up at the training center in Cranberry before he turned around and made his way back to Sidney’s house.  Basically, he ran a marathon.

As Jamie walked up the driveway he noticed that Flower and Tanger’s cars were gone, making him wonder what time it was.  Based on how far he had run, and the pace he thought he maintained, Jamie figured it had to be close to 8 am.  He walked in and kicked off his shoes before wandering in to the kitchen.  Sid was sitting at the table.  Jamie poured himself a cup of coffee and rooted around in the fridge looking for something to eat. 

Sid asked how far Jamie had run, sucking in his breath a little when Jamie told him as his mind calculated that Jamie had probably maintained a five-minute mile pace.  Sid couldn’t imagine running that far at that pace without being exhausted, but Jamie barely looked winded.

“And. How are you doing this morning.”

“Fine. Do we have any eggs?” Jamie kept his head buried in the fridge.

“I don’t think so. Sully gave us both the day off. Why don’t we go get dressed and I’ll take you out for breakfast?”

Jamie sat down at the table with Sid, sipping at his coffee, as he told Sid that he wanted to go to the optional skate which was scheduled for 11 am.  Jamie told him that Jamie had texted Tommy and Brian, asking if they were going, and then asking them to run boarding drills with him.  Jamie says that the two were hesitant at first, but had agreed.

Sid was amazed.  First that Jamie would still have any leg left to skate after his morning run and second that he wanted to run boarding drills after what happened last night.

“I need to do it. With them. They need to know it’s okay. I told you, it wasn’t the boarding from Kesler. But it was having Tommy and Dumes on top of me that made me fall apart. They didn’t know, I got that. But, I can remember the look on their faces. Shit. I’d have freaked out if my teammate had done what I did. And I’m fine today. Ran it out of my head. That’s what I’ve been doing for months. About everything. I run it out of my head. If you’ve paid attention,” Jamie already knew that Sid did, “you’ve realized there’s a connection between how good a day I’m having and how far I run. Good days, it’s my usual loop and I’m back in under an hour. Bad days, I’m gone longer. I’m running the pain or the memory or whatever out of my head.”

Running.  Jamie’s least favorite form of exercise not that long ago had become his go-to coping mechanism.  Somehow, when he ran, Jamie would get into a rhythm, a steady pace, and he’d get out of, or sometimes into, his own head for a while.  His legs would stretch out and loosen up, his strides coming easy and natural, his breathing steady, and he would just run.  Jamie had heard about the runner’s high, when you break through the ‘wall’ and the endorphins flood your system.  But running wasn’t like that for him, there wasn’t any real high, there was just calm.

Zach, ever so philosophical for a trainer, had related it to Arabian horses, renowned for their endurance, holding a steady pace for long distances and recovering quickly.  Jamie had looked it up and saw why Zach thought that, it seemed very similar.  Most days Jamie ran a short loop, six, maybe seven miles, at a relaxed pace, somewhere around eight minute miles.  When he needed to think, or when things were bothering him, like today, he ran farther and usually faster.

Jamie explained to Sid about running, about why he needed to get back on the ice, about how he was actually relieved to finally know what had happened that night in December.  Jamie could deal with it now, deal with it and move past it.

They had breakfast at the Lemieux residence, mostly so that Nathalie and Mario could be reassured that Jamie was doing okay after what they had heard about the previous night.  Then they went to practice, which turned out to be a Captain Crosby led fun day, if you can call getting boarded repeatedly by a 6’ 4” defenseman and a 6’ 2” forward fun.  Sid also had them play some one-on-one, some keep away, and finally a little three-on-three with the veterans squaring off against the kids.  Jamie scored twice on Flower, beating Sid on a break-away for one of the goals.  Sid would never live that one down.

After practice Jamie found Sid sitting in his stall, “Hey, Tommy, Dumes and I are gonna go to Primanti’s. Is that okay? Dumes said he’d drive me home later. We might find something to do, a movie or something.”

“Go have fun, I’ll see you later.” He watched the three of them walk out, laughing at some stupid thing Flower had said to them on the way by.

\---

After they finished off their meal at Primanti’s, the three boys decided to just goes to Brian’s and play some video games.  Around seven, Tommy decided to call it a night.

“Give you a ride out to Sid’s?” he asked as he slipped into his coat.

“Nah.  I’m good.  I can get Uber.  Thanks, Knuckles.”  Jamie used one of Tommy’s many nicknames for the first time.  Kuhnhackl smiled warmly at Brian and Jamie as he left.

“So.  You know I’m not letting you take Uber, right?”  Brian stated as he walked to his kitchen.  “You want something before I take you home?”

Jamie followed Brian and sat down at the table.  “What do you have?”

Brian warmed up some leftovers he had, chicken parmesan, and sat a plate down in front of Jamie.  He fixed them both a glass of ice tea, then joined Jamie.  As they ate, Jamie told Brian about winning the Memorial Cup with the Oil Kings.  Afterwards, Jamie slipped on his coat and followed Brian out to the parking lot where Brian’s car was parked. 

On the half-hour ride to Sid’s, Brian got up the nerve to bring up what happened the night before.  The three of them had avoided it all day.

“Kris said that there was a hazing thing with Anaheim.  He didn’t go into a lot of detail, just something about an assault.”

Brian saw Jamie tense a little, when he looked over to the passenger seat.

“If you, ya know, don’t want to tell me, that’s okay.  But the way you reacted, it was more than just a team hazing I’m guessing.  And the assault, did they, like, well you know how guys talk.  I heard Phil saying something to Hags.”

Jamie shifted in the seat.

“Ryan Kesler and Jakob Silfverberg they,” Jamie said quietly, making Brian strain to hear him, “there was a party for me, they said.  To welcome me to the NHL.  I got hammered.  I mean, really shitfaced.  They took advantage of the situation.”

“So they wanted you to blow them I’m guessing?  If it was a hazing.  I’ve heard about things like that happening.  Guess I got lucky that Carolina and Pittsburgh don’t seem to tolerate that shit.”  Brian brought the car to a halt at a red-light, and glanced at Jamie.  He noticed Jamie’s hands clenching.  “Jamie?”

Jamie took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, clenching his hands tightly in his lap.  He dipped his chin to his chest and closed his eyes.

“They raped me.”

Brian’s whole body jerked to attention, not sure he heard Jamie correctly.  “What the?  They what?”

“They raped me,” Jamie repeated, a little louder.  It was the first time he had actually used that word to describe what had happened.

“They wanted a blowjob, and I guess I said yes.  At some point, though, Kesler had me pushed against the wall and he… he… he was fucking me.  Then I’m pretty sure somebody threw me down on the bed and that’s where Silfverberg fucked me.  I think they asked.  I don’t remember saying no, but I kept,” he kept his head down, avoiding looking at Brian or anything else, “I kept pleading with them to stop.  And they didn’t.”

“Jesus Christ.”  Brian swore under his breath.

“What happened with Kessel last night, it was because of what else they did, what Silfverberg told Phil.  What I couldn’t remember about that night.”

Brian had heard that Phil had joked with Hags about whatever it was he said that set Jamie off, so he waited for Jamie to continue.

“I remember being on my back at one point.  Silfverberg was between my knees and he was holding something.  I couldn’t make out what it was, but then I heard him make a comment to Phil and something must have clicked.”

“Jamie, you don’t have to…”  Brian reached over and laid his hand on one of Jamie’s giving it a gentle squeeze, a steadying pressure.  “I’m sorry I asked and made you have to go through it again.”

“It’s okay.”  Jamie forced his hand to relax under Brian’s.  “I talk to a counselor, well, a couple of counselors.  The one from Edmonton, her name is Janet, she’s the one I like best, anyway, she said today that it might help talking about it, to people I trust.”

Brian wasn’t sure what to say to that.  Jamie trusted him.  They hadn’t known each other very long, and Brian had pretty much traumatized Jamie the night before, but Jamie still trusted him.

“I’m glad that we, you know, that what happened didn’t cause a rift between you and me, and Tommy, too.  I’m sorry again about what happened.”

“You didn’t know.  It’s okay.”

When they got to Sid’s, Brian held on to Jamie’s hand for a minute when Jamie started to get out.

“Next time we play those assholes, I’m gonna hit both of them every chance I get and make sure they know it’s for you.”

“Jesus, another protector, that’s all I need.”  Jamie laughed.  “But thanks.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

\---

The next day the Penguins were scheduled to play the Rangers at Consol.  Before the game, Jamie sat with Sid in the player’s lounge while Sid made his usual pre-game peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  He was extolling its virtues to Jamie when Brian walked in to join them. 

“You’ll have a pb and j, right Dumo?”  Sid said as he smeared the jelly all over the piece of bread he was holding.

“I’ll take the pb part, anyway,” Brian shot back as he reached into a cupboard and pulled out a jar of something Jamie didn’t recognize.

“What’s that?”

Brian slid the white jar across the counter at Jamie.

“Fluffernutter.”

“God, I still can’t believe you eat that,” Sid plated Jamie’s sandwich and put it down in front of him.

“What’s fluffernutter?”  Jamie asked as he examined the jar.  The label said _Marshmallow Fluff,_ not fluffernutter.  “This doesn’t say that.”

“Okay, so technically the sandwich is the fluffernutter, cause it’s the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff stuff.  Around our house we just called the marshmallow stuff fluffernutter, too.”

Brian’s eyes lit up all of the sudden, his mouth curling into a wide grin. 

“Fluffernutter,” he said, looking at Jamie, “that’s it!”

“What?” Sid asked. 

“I’ve been trying to think of a nickname for you.  I mean, Marshmallow is just too long.  But I couldn’t think of anything unique, you said you didn’t want to be called Marshie.  So, that’s it.  Fluffernutter!”  Brian looked quite pleased with himself.

Jamie looked horrified.

“That’s just as long, really, I don’t think it’s a good choice.”  Jamie tried to dissuade Brian.

“Yeah, but Fluff isn’t.”

Sid about choked on his sandwich trying not to laugh too loud. 

“No!  No, you are not allowed to call me that!”  Jamie protested, giving Brian a shove.

“Too late, Fluff.”  Brian was very happy with Jamie’s reaction.  This was going to be fun.

“Of all the dumbass nicknames, Dumes.”  Jamie stopped pushing at Brian, his mind suddenly coming up with a thought.  “No, of all the DUME-ASS, things!”

“Fluff!”

“Dume-ass”

They started shoving at each other, laughing every time they said the other’s new nickname.  Sid just shook his head and walked out.

Any time they skated near each other during the game, Brian would quiet say “Fluff” and Jamie would answer “Dume-ass.”  Sid smiled to himself.  They reminded him of a couple of other players during his rookie year, one who made fun of the other’s footwear, which so what, crocs are comfortable, and one who made fun of the other’s nickname.  They had come up with special nicknames, ones that were only said on the ice, and only to each other.

A short time later Sid skated around the back of the goal while waiting for the end of a TV timeout.

“Rosebud,” he said, just loud enough for his friend to hear.

“Crocodile,” came the automatic response from Flower.


	34. Best Friends - Always and Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was déjà vu all over again, to quote Yogi Berra. And not a good kind of déjà vu, Brian thought, as he sat in the hospital waiting room. Just a few hours ago, he’d been on the ice, helping his team win game six of the conference championship, forcing a game seven against Toronto, keeping their playoff hopes alive. Now he was sitting in the hospital waiting room in Toronto, an ICU waiting room, waiting for Sid to return with news, his thoughts going back to those horrific moments in the second period.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading. Humbled by the comments and kudos, which are always appreciated. 
> 
> Time for this book to come to an end as the storyline has met up with All of Me Loves All of You. This chapter is sort of an epilogue... but it hints at future events. Yes, I know, Jamie gets hurt again, ugh, there's a ljoke in there... "Just call me Beau." that may show up. But that is the story I have envisioned. As you'll see if you are reading The True Course of Love, Jamie's will struggle with depression but, all will be right in the world in the end as the epilogue from Part I shows.   
> Going to work on Part III more diligently for a while before I spring into any more parts, but there will eventually be more.
> 
> As for this injury, it's based sort of on the injury suffered by Mats Zuccarello's injury in Game 5 of the Rangers/Pens 2015 playoff series when he was hit in the head by the puck. He suffered a skull fracture, cerebral bleeding, and a concussion as well as loss of speech for five days. That was in early May. He was on the ice skating again after just a month, and he started the next season without any delay due to the injuries. Yes. Remarkable. But shows what young, healthy, otherwise physically fit bodies are capable of doing. I was truly amazed when I read the articles, because it showed in part what I tried to detail in All of Me with Jamie's injury.

May 2019

It was déjà vu all over again, to quote Yogi Berra.  And not a good kind of déjà vu, Brian thought, as he sat in the hospital waiting room.  Just a few hours ago, he’d been on the ice, helping his team win game six of the conference championship, forcing a game seven against Toronto, keeping their playoff hopes alive.  Now he was sitting in the hospital waiting room in Toronto, an ICU waiting room, waiting for Sid to return with news, his thoughts going back to those horrific moments in the second period.

Brian had been caught flatfooted, the only defenseman back at the blue line when Kris joined the rush.  Luckily Jamie was doing his job as the third forward over the line, he had seen the steal and was racing hard to catch the Leafs’ forward.  Brian watched Jamie skate down Mitch Marner, lifting Marner’s stick at the last minute to save the shot on goal, Muzz easily snagging the puck as it slid to him.

But then, Jamie looked like he lost his footing because he over-extended himself, his skates coming out from under him.  Marner’s body crashed into Jamie, his momentum carrying them both into Muzz and the goal.  Brian’s view of Jamie was obstructed by Marner and Muzz’ bodies as the three hit the boards. 

Marner got up.  Muzz got up.  Then Muzz was yelling for the trainers and medical staff.  Jamie wasn’t moving. 

Brian skated hard across the ice, dropping to his knees next to Jamie.

“Fluff!  Jesus, no!”

Jamie’s eyes were closed, he was on his back, arms and legs askew, the goalpost between the side of his head and the boards.  What Brian couldn’t see was the large crack in the left side of Jamie’s helmet as he leaned over him.

“Jamie!”  Brian heard Sid behind him, and then the trainers were there.  Brian got up and stood quietly next to Sid, his arm over Sid’s shoulders.

\---

September 2019

Sid sat in the bleachers holding Kylie in his arms, feeding her a bottle.  The training center was empty except for the four of them.  Sid’s attention was fixed on the two men over in the bench area.  God, this has to work, he thought.

Physically, the doctors told Sid, Jamie was better, although he still had some problems getting words to come out, especially when he was tired or nervous.  Mentally, Sid knew there was a problem, and it had more to do with what happened three weeks after Jamie’s injury than with the injury itself. 

Jamie had fought with depression for several years.  In truth, for as long as Sid had known him he thought, but he had been doing so much better this past year.  Jamie had been so excited when they had finally agreed to become parents, then when their choice for a surrogate had agreed, everything had been great for the past year.  Until the injury in Toronto and then Kylie’s birth.  His depression was growing worse; Sid saw it happening.  And, while Jamie had worked hard with his speech therapy, he had avoided most of his physical therapy, stopping altogether a couple of weeks ago.

The doctors told Sid that getting Jamie back on the ice might help.  They thought that he would be able to do it okay.  Jamie, however, wouldn’t do it, no matter how much Sid badgered him over the last two weeks.  So Sid had turned to Dumo for help.  Now he watched, waited, and hoped.

“It’s been four months, Fluff.  It’s time to get off your ass and back on the ice.”  Brian shoved a pair of skates at Jamie.

“N…n…no…”  Jamie stuttered, pushing the skates away.  “T…t…t…take m…mmmeeee…. home…”

“Not happening.  We’re skating.  The docs said you could get back on the ice two weeks ago.  Fuck, Zuccs was back on the ice in a month and started the next season.  You saying he’s better than you?  Camp starts in a week.”

“Fuck you.  I said no, not today, Dumes.”  Jamie said, more forcefully this time.  Words actually coming easier when he was mad, probably because he didn’t have time to think about what he was trying to say.

Brian didn’t say anything, just squatting down and grabbing one of Jamie’s feet, pulling his shoe off in a quick movement.

“Put the damn skates on,” he said as he set them down in Jamie’s lap.

Jamie glared up at him. 

“Don’t make me go after the other shoe, Jame.”

Ten minutes later, Jamie stood at the doorway to the ice, looking apprehensively at the smooth surface.  Brian stood on the ice, his hand extended.  “Come on, I got ya.”

Jamie took the hand and stepped out onto the ice, standing still for a few minutes.

“Okay?”  Brian asked.

“Ooo…kay…” 

Brian slid his other arm around Jamie’s waist and pushed off with his right leg, propelling them towards center ice.  Jamie let Brian move him around the ice, focusing on just staying upright.  Slowly but surely, muscle memory took over, even after the extended absence from the ice, even after the injury, his legs, his body, still knew what to do.  He tentatively pushed off with his right leg.  Brian let Jamie skate out of his supporting arm, watching him take a few shaky strides, as Jamie pulled his hand away as well.

Jamie skated about 30 feet before his skate caught and he fell on his ass.  Brian skated up, worried that Jamie may have hurt himself.

“Www…www…wwweelll, that wasn’t so good.”  Jamie pushed Brian away and got up by himself. 

Brian just stood still, waiting.  He expected Jamie to skate towards the bench, but instead Jamie turned and started to skate towards the far goal line. 

“You c..c..coming Dume-ass?”

\---

November 2019

Jamie stood over a toilet in the locker room at Consol throwing up.  Nerves.  Too bad that wasn’t one of the things that changed after the injury.  He exited the stall and went to one of the sinks where a towel and some mouthwash were waiting for him.  Jamie rinsed his mouth and splashed some water on his face.

When he walked back in to the locker room, Jamie expected to find Sid waiting for him as usual.  Instead it was Brian.

“Sid said he got tired of waiting,” Brian winked at Jamie, “not really, he just said that I should be the one to walk you out.”

“You know I’m actually fucking scared about this, Dumes.”  Jamie went to walk past Brian, who reached out and stopped him.

“I’m gonna be right beside you.  Nothing to worry about.”

“You know, I couldn’t have… no… I wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t pushed.  Thanks.”

“It’s what friends are for, right.” Brian went to high-five Jamie, but Jamie pulled him into a tight hug.

At that moment he was reminded of another time and place, when he’d stood next to the person who he’d thought would always be there for him.  Jamie could hear his voice in his head, _best friends forever and always, Marshie._

Jamie never thought he’d ever find that again.  Yeah, he had Sid, but that was different.  Brian was his best friend.

Jamie pulled away from the hug.

“Best friends, Dume-ass.”  He smiled and added, “forever and always.”

“Best friends, Fluff.”  Brian smiled back, knowing what the last part meant to Jamie.  “Forever and always.” he added.


End file.
